Oh my god. Weakness is the demon. But not weakness to food, weakness to my best friend, the love of my life.
She asked me if I was counting calories or noting them, and I said counting so she said okay just don't get obsessive and I said yeah and she said sorry to sound naggish and I was like it's okay.
I hate lying to her, I just wanna break down and tell her everything but...I know I can't. I've got to be thin, but I just hope I don't lose her along the way.
Managed to get hold of some minty gum. Chew chew. It's working wonders on my cravings for food.
So far no one suspects a thing, which is good, though I know that's probably because I've only been doing this for a week.
Not that I'm going to treat this like an ED because I don't think I have one and I'm not going to act like I have one because I think that's rude towards the lovely people on here that do have one.
But I'm not going to stop until I've at least halved my weight. So I'll keep you updated. Not just on my weight, on whatever happens to happen.
Never know, someone out there in this big wide world might actually find it interesting.
xXx
Monday, 31 August 2009
Monday 31st August 2009
Hello people of the internet world
I got a lovely email of Kat, our lovely Quest for Perfection blogger who we all follow avidly ^_^
Thanks for that lovely, you made me feel tonnes better.
I was planning to go for a walk this morning but I slept late. However, all is not lost because I managed to resist breakfast (thank you diet coke), and mum wants me to clean the bathroom, that's exercise and it should put me off eating for a while, and I can fit in a walk this evening since I've got nothing else to do.
I have my oh-so-brilliant (sarcastic) interview with my new college tutor tomorrow. The only reason I actually agreed to go back to college is so that I'm away from my mums over protective watch!
In reality I hate college! College is like a huge void sucking you in. It's good thinspiration for sure but it's also danger zone. All those vending machines begging to be used, friends eating whilst blissfully unaware of the calories they're piling on.
And yet, they all seem happy with themselves. I'm envious of them. If only I could live with some small amount of their pride! But no.
Anyway here's some stats
all you lovely pro-ana girls we be absolutely disgusted so you might wanna look away, unless it gives you thinspiration
height : 5 ft 3 ish
weight - 141 lb ish
target weight - 70 lb
hows that for gross!?! I have to lose just over HALF of my current body weight.
So I'm a big of a fat fucker! But not for long.
So there you have that.
And before I stop writing, I'd like to say thankyou to Ms Leech for adding me on msn, good to here from you babe, and it's great to have people to talk to who understand that for some of us, the quest for being thin is all we have left in this sick, bullshitting world!
Peace out people!
xXx
I got a lovely email of Kat, our lovely Quest for Perfection blogger who we all follow avidly ^_^
Thanks for that lovely, you made me feel tonnes better.
I was planning to go for a walk this morning but I slept late. However, all is not lost because I managed to resist breakfast (thank you diet coke), and mum wants me to clean the bathroom, that's exercise and it should put me off eating for a while, and I can fit in a walk this evening since I've got nothing else to do.
I have my oh-so-brilliant (sarcastic) interview with my new college tutor tomorrow. The only reason I actually agreed to go back to college is so that I'm away from my mums over protective watch!
In reality I hate college! College is like a huge void sucking you in. It's good thinspiration for sure but it's also danger zone. All those vending machines begging to be used, friends eating whilst blissfully unaware of the calories they're piling on.
And yet, they all seem happy with themselves. I'm envious of them. If only I could live with some small amount of their pride! But no.
Anyway here's some stats
all you lovely pro-ana girls we be absolutely disgusted so you might wanna look away, unless it gives you thinspiration
height : 5 ft 3 ish
weight - 141 lb ish
target weight - 70 lb
hows that for gross!?! I have to lose just over HALF of my current body weight.
So I'm a big of a fat fucker! But not for long.
So there you have that.
And before I stop writing, I'd like to say thankyou to Ms Leech for adding me on msn, good to here from you babe, and it's great to have people to talk to who understand that for some of us, the quest for being thin is all we have left in this sick, bullshitting world!
Peace out people!
xXx
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Madness is a nuisance
Well, since I got the first post out the way, I thought I'd get down to business.
I've been on and off dieting now for ages. Years. Unfortunately nothing seems to have worked so I figured I'd try taking extreme measures. I'll just remind you here that I do NOT promote eating disorders. I don't have an eating disorder, I have a contempt for my figure. There's a difference. Not a very big difference. But a difference none-the-less.
I want so much to be thin. No one wants you unless you're thin and you people out there shaking your heads and saying it's not true, it's your personality that counts and all that, don't bother repeating things that have been said to me before. I didn't believe them then, I'm not gonna believe them now. The thing you people saying that have to understand is that you're probably already beautiful, or have something about you that will make people love you whether your skinny or not. Well some of us aren't that fortunate and the only thing we have left is the option to be thin.
After all, despite people saying that fuller is better, I'm still seeing skinny people get the lead roles in films and the positions of models. After all, no one wants to see someone with a load of flab walk down a cat walk, do they? I'm not slating fat people. If they're happy the way they are then that is absolutely fantastic. But I'm not. And I won't be happy for a very long time. I have quite a few issues, but I think that it will all be much easier if only I were thin.
I see the people shaking their heads and saying how can young women do this to themselves, what could make them hate themselves so much.
You know what. If you don't want me to hate myself, maybe someone should have done something about the little bastards calling me a fat cunt at school and the little bitch who used to sit in tech and whisper in my ear that no one would ever love me because I was too fat and ugly and I was just a silly little girl.
God I've missed blogging.
I'm not some machine that can be fixed if you press the right buttons.
I'm not an instrument that can be re-tuned to sound more pleasing to the ear.
I'm not a story that can be re-written to have a happy ending.
I am me.
You people who go through reading these blogs and then slag the people off who write them? You wanna know why we end up like this? Arseholes like you! If you don't like the blogs, fuck off. Get over yourself and get a life because all you're doing when you slate us for who and what we are, is just acting like arrogant pricks who are no better than us by replying!
Anyway, enough ranting.
I don't start college til the 14th of September and I am SOOOOOOO bored and it's doing my head in because when I'm bored I think of food.
So I need to get back to college. I'll be doing Fine Art, Photography, Digital Cre8tor and 3D. I love art. They're all GCSE's though. I can't do A levels yet cos I only have maths and english because I had some issues. Had...lol have.
Anyways, not that I reckon anyone's gonna care about this blog, but I'll be blogging anyway. It helps to get it out. All I have for release right now is therapy meetings and I hate them, they make me feel like every little thing I say is judged to see if I should be locked in a padded cell. I probably should be but there you go!
xXx
I've been on and off dieting now for ages. Years. Unfortunately nothing seems to have worked so I figured I'd try taking extreme measures. I'll just remind you here that I do NOT promote eating disorders. I don't have an eating disorder, I have a contempt for my figure. There's a difference. Not a very big difference. But a difference none-the-less.
I want so much to be thin. No one wants you unless you're thin and you people out there shaking your heads and saying it's not true, it's your personality that counts and all that, don't bother repeating things that have been said to me before. I didn't believe them then, I'm not gonna believe them now. The thing you people saying that have to understand is that you're probably already beautiful, or have something about you that will make people love you whether your skinny or not. Well some of us aren't that fortunate and the only thing we have left is the option to be thin.
After all, despite people saying that fuller is better, I'm still seeing skinny people get the lead roles in films and the positions of models. After all, no one wants to see someone with a load of flab walk down a cat walk, do they? I'm not slating fat people. If they're happy the way they are then that is absolutely fantastic. But I'm not. And I won't be happy for a very long time. I have quite a few issues, but I think that it will all be much easier if only I were thin.
I see the people shaking their heads and saying how can young women do this to themselves, what could make them hate themselves so much.
You know what. If you don't want me to hate myself, maybe someone should have done something about the little bastards calling me a fat cunt at school and the little bitch who used to sit in tech and whisper in my ear that no one would ever love me because I was too fat and ugly and I was just a silly little girl.
God I've missed blogging.
I'm not some machine that can be fixed if you press the right buttons.
I'm not an instrument that can be re-tuned to sound more pleasing to the ear.
I'm not a story that can be re-written to have a happy ending.
I am me.
You people who go through reading these blogs and then slag the people off who write them? You wanna know why we end up like this? Arseholes like you! If you don't like the blogs, fuck off. Get over yourself and get a life because all you're doing when you slate us for who and what we are, is just acting like arrogant pricks who are no better than us by replying!
Anyway, enough ranting.
I don't start college til the 14th of September and I am SOOOOOOO bored and it's doing my head in because when I'm bored I think of food.
So I need to get back to college. I'll be doing Fine Art, Photography, Digital Cre8tor and 3D. I love art. They're all GCSE's though. I can't do A levels yet cos I only have maths and english because I had some issues. Had...lol have.
Anyways, not that I reckon anyone's gonna care about this blog, but I'll be blogging anyway. It helps to get it out. All I have for release right now is therapy meetings and I hate them, they make me feel like every little thing I say is judged to see if I should be locked in a padded cell. I probably should be but there you go!
xXx
First Post
Well hello sweet peas
I guess since this is my first blog I should do some introductory stuff.
Let me just clear some disclaimer shit out the way. The blogs that follow will most likely appear totally psychotic to people who don't think like me. I am NOT trying to make people like me, I do NOT promote self harm or eating disorders and I do NOT care what you-people-who-have-no-lives-and-like-to-shitspam-other-people's-blogs-for-fun think of me! Hating me and spamming my blog with hate comments won't make me stop, and it won't change me, you'll just strengthen my beliefs that most of the human race is made up of arrogant, two-faced, hypocritical, bullshitting, shallow, materialistic, money-grabbing, lying, greedy bastards.
However, this blog is hopefully going to attract people who share similar views and I hope that it will help show people like me they're not alone like blogs have previously shown me.
xXx
I guess since this is my first blog I should do some introductory stuff.
Let me just clear some disclaimer shit out the way. The blogs that follow will most likely appear totally psychotic to people who don't think like me. I am NOT trying to make people like me, I do NOT promote self harm or eating disorders and I do NOT care what you-people-who-have-no-lives-and-like-to-shitspam-other-people's-blogs-for-fun think of me! Hating me and spamming my blog with hate comments won't make me stop, and it won't change me, you'll just strengthen my beliefs that most of the human race is made up of arrogant, two-faced, hypocritical, bullshitting, shallow, materialistic, money-grabbing, lying, greedy bastards.
However, this blog is hopefully going to attract people who share similar views and I hope that it will help show people like me they're not alone like blogs have previously shown me.
xXx
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