self mutilation

In response to self-loathing.

I haven't self harmed in a while but the other day I did...and again this morning. I didn't realise how much I missed it. I guess it will always be a part of me.

My weird day dreams have come back. When I was at my worst, I used to have all these weird little day dreams that I couldn't stop about different scenarios where I or someone I like got hurt.
Apparently that's normal, but they've come back. Most of the time it's me getting hurt, I guess that's only natural for a self-harmer.
Sometimes it's people I love or respect...and on the rare occasion, I'm the one DOING the hurting...which is the scariest.

What I find intriguing is that in most of them, there's someone specifically after me, because I'm someone that no one knows I am...I don't know if that makes sense. It's kind of hard to explain. Like people know me as a certain person, but in these little day dreams I end up being this kind of anti-hero warrior that was posing as me to keep the bad guys from finding me...so I have to reveal who I really am to my friends and family because the bad guys found me and he's like torturing me and stuff.

Sometimes that doesn't happen though, the whole I'm a different person thing.

Sometimes it's just blatant torture. Like, I don't know, there's a recurring one whenever I get on the bus that as we pull up to a stop this crazy old guy smashes through the window and tells me I'm evil and tries to kill me. He's not just on the bus though, if I'm walking along I'll think of him running up to me and telling me I'm the devil and that I'll bring about the end of the world.

Then there's the ones that are like, there's this basement level kind of place and me and other people I know like my best friend Hope and my family and Corey Taylor etc, we're all locked in cages and stuff, and there's this guy that pulls me out and tortures me in front of them, and then he crucifies me.

I'm not a Christian so I'm not sure why all these biblical references keep popping up.

The scariest ones, like I said, are the ones where I'm the one hurting people. These ones are pretty rare though.

The one that scares me most is one I had where I had jess, sacha and Hope locked in the same basement kind of room as the other one.
Jess and Sacha I absolutely despise so I don't feel much remorse in what I 'did' to them, but then I hurt Hope too, I said she was lying to me and I cut her up.

I'd never hurt Hope, not in a million years. That scares me most.

That and bringing about the end of the world.

Maybe I am the devil :(

So...If I really am some guy strapped to a table, as I've thought and said before, then perhaps they're trying to stop me doing whatever I would do to cause oblivion. On the other hand, then my rebellious side kicks up and says well what if they're only trying to make you think that so that they can control you?

I wish I didn't have these things in my head, but then honestly, I don't think I could live without them...and I can't live WITH them...so I'm fucked!!!

These thoughts, gloomy as they may be, are a part of me now, and have been for so long that I don't have the slightest idea of how to live without them.

But they tear me apart from the inside. My minds eating itself alive.

Why the constant battle raging in the depths over the simple decision of whether I kill myself or not??
Why can't they just call it a draw and say ok why don't you just plod along til you die of natural causes? That way, you live, but then you die. So you get the best of both worlds.

But living, for me, is not the best of any world.

I know what that sounds like. I feel guilt closing my throat when I think of all the people out there suffering shit loads more than me, all of those people starving or dying or whatever they're suffering from...and a lot of them are praying that they live.
And I'm begging for death.

It doesn't seem fair.

But death is my logical option. I cannot stand the way the world is, and it's not just an 'emo' case of life's not as easy as I thought.

It's hard to explain.

It's more that I've just...given up.

Not that it matters.

x

this journey

Life's a journey, sometimes we get tired of being on 'the road', and sometimes it's exciting.

One of my rats, Silk, had to be put down on friday :( He had a lump and was suffering, so it was for the best. At least he's not in a cage anymore.
He was named after my favourite fictional character, Silk (a.k.a Prince Kheldar, Ambar of Kotu or Radek of Boktar), from David Eddings' 'The Belgariad' and 'The Mallorean'. In fact, Silk was the reason I wanted rats in the first place, when mother first read The Belgariad to me as a child, I said one day I'm going to get a rat and call it Silk. So I did. And now he's dead.
I cried many times on friday. It was sad. I hate the fact that he's in the cold ground instead of warm in his bed, and his eyes were still open and he was so still. We've had many pets put down, but I always stayed out of the way.

Mother's downloaded the first book of the Belgariad 'The Pawn of Prophecy', so I'm listening to that while she does her work. It's nice. I love the story so...

I've been writing Shadow Guild for days. It's going well.

It's currently at 241 A4 pages, size 10 arial font.

It seems to have a mind of its own though. For some reason, as I was writing the other day, a random Dragon popped in. I wasn't planning to have a dragon in there at all, let alone making him linked to one of my main characters.
Weird.

Kahn got his own back on me. Kahn is one of the characters and one of the bits I'm currently writing he's being tortured and gets two of his nails ripped off, and yesterday I caught my nail and it chipped quarter of the way down, so I have it taped up cos I'm paranoid I'll rip it off.

Anyway...There we go.

x