The art of suicide

It's not like no one knows of it and yet it's only discussed in hushed vouces by victims and supposed experts.

I don't think I'll ever stop wanting it. There's not enough left of me or the world and yet there's too much, it's overwhelming. I will end up killing myself because I can't go on some great adventure with a sword atmy waist and lock picks in my pocket, because I can't see true love, because I can't save the day and because as teen angst as it sounds, life sucks.

Still, for the time being, I can still escape into fantastic worlds of imagination...and the supposed real world, this prison, can go fuck itself.

worst thing about xmas...

...is the lack of control around food. I've eaten so much, I feel sick from myself, my lack of will power, my weakness.
Food is my main weakness...I control my emotions, I keep my sadness and anger in check but when it comes to food...no control at all.

Still, it's been an ok xmas if you discount the dead feeling.

Catch you all later.

bday

My bday was great, went to see Puss i- boots and it was fantastic. Felt ill most of the day but twas still great. Roll on christmas lol. Im gonna have to be specially careful about what I eat but mum knows i camt eat much without getting a belly ache so shes supportive...though she has no idea why, or if she does, shes ignoring it. Either way, she isnt interfering, which is great.

I hope this new year is the year I finally shift the weight and find out what the doctors think is wrong with me...that is supposed of course. Doctors dont know minds any better than we do!

Anyways adios amigos

december

It's my birthday in 4 hours and 40 minutes!!

And I get to spend it knowing Ive lost almost a stone, even though I still got like 3 stone to go, it's still progress.

As for my mental health, I have to take an antipaychotic called Aripiprazole in the morning and a jypnotic called Zolpidem at night. They still haven't told me what's 'wrong with me' but hopefully theu will soon.

But anywaus, merry xmas guys, hope its a good one!!!

update 1 take 2

That posted before I meant it to.

My reality is get curioser day by day. Ill get ri that. I guess I should explain the sex change bit. I know how many people feel about transexuals so I expect ill loose some followers for this. Nature screws up all the time cancer, degenarative disease, justin beiber...and my being born a girl. So Im giing to use mans supposed t4iumphs in science to be what i was spose to be. Having said that, its not gonna make me love myself...think of it as a point if self loathing, im just blowing off the froth

So yeah
Thought id telll someone

update 1

Ok, Im too bored not to just press on despite my phone being a plastic piece of shit so...

Lets see, where did i leave off...well, i got kicked out of my parents house and now live in the swindon foyer. I still feel /ike im just squatting here.

Im doing the last two units of the photography diploma and im still fat and hideous. Im in the wrong body and im trying to figure out what reality is.

rethink

Okay so I couldnt remember my details to get on at college so I'll have to properly update when I go to my mums in a couple of days.

It's really annoying having so much to update and not being able to. Because of how much there is though, I won't do it all in one post. I'll do a few little posts.

So if anyone actually wants to know, stay tuned.

calorie counting

Ok, so I was waiting like 5 hours for McColls to open so I could get some cigarettes and I got breakfast at the same time. Im going on 500 calories a day starting today, and Ive almost reached that with one sandwhich. Males me feel disgusted to think how much I used to eat. You can have nothing and 250 little bottles of diet coke to reach my calorie count.
My sandwhich was a whooping 416 cals and I have a bottle of diet coke so thats 418 so I have 82 cals left to work with today. Its disgusting how many cals even seemingly little things have. Its like a conspiracy to keep people fat so that they always feel shit about themselves.

Not that its all about being skinny, not for me. But again, thatll have to wait til im on a computer.

So, Im 20 on friday so I can probably get away with nothing but salted popcorn, thats good right? Pretty low on cals?

Anyways...see, I always blog loads when Im bored.

I'll blog later

Xx

changes

Honestly, I haven't changed much in the months not blogging. There have been a few, which i will write in greater detail when I'm at a proper computer. i'll also be using this blog as opposed to the other one i set up in a bid to be a better person. I am who i am, whatever blog write on. I think the biggest change is that im going to have a sex change to a boy...ill keep you posted on that, and getting kicked out, i now live in a bedsit specifically for people between 16 and 25.

So...yeah...Ill write again soon with more detail xx

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!!

Hi guys!

Oh my god, how long has it been seen I posted on here?!! WellIm. back and I think ill be back for a while. First off let me apologise for my english,my phoe is a bith at typing so i keep making typos. So, my first updqte after returning to blogger? Meh...im still horribly fat, got kicked out, had a few bust ups, on new medication...not be3n as eventul as it sounds though.

So get this, im on 2 meds at the moment, an antipsychotic in the morning and a hynotic at night to help. me sleep!!!! Its gone 4 in the morning and ive had an hours sleep. Yeah.

So im bored...ill get on a comouter at some point, update priperly but can i just say, its so good to be back!

X