Danse Macabre

Hello fine people, So, I thought I'd just do a quick post on my current obsession. I am absolutely in love with a manga/anime called Kuroshitsuji - Black Butler. It is basically about a boy Earl called Ciel Phantomhive who has a butler called Sebastian Michaelis. Sebastian is actually a demon that Ciel has a contract with - the contract is that when Sebastian has helped Ciel get revenge on the people responsible for murdering his parents and humiliating him, he can eat Ciel's soul. It's absolutely fabulous and I would recommend it even to people who don't particularly like anime :D Sebastian Michaelis is awesome and my second favourite character is called The Undertaker. One of the Ova's (special episodes) split into two parts of Series 2 (which introduces Alois Transy and his demon butler Claude Faustus, along with Hannah Annafellows and the triplets, Thomas, Timber and Canterbury) is a Black Butler version of Alice in Wonderland!!!

SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS XD so yeah, that's it...off you go, go watch. "You see, my lady, I'm simply one HELL of a butler"

22 July 2012

Wow. I had almost forgotten about this. But here I am. Back at home after ten months in the swindon Foyer... I now live in the utility room that we've converted into my bedroom. It's cramped and messy and claustraphobic...but it's home. I've pretty much finished with the early intervention team. They basically said i was fine. They did however say I had gender dissociative disorder...which basically means I think I shoulda been born a boy. But despite this, I'm not having a sex change or anything. It wouldn't really change anything or make anything better. Hopefully going back to college soon to do an access course so I can go to Uni. If I get onto the access course I've applied for, I'll be studying English Literature, Sociology and Psychology. When I go to Uni, I hope to go to York St John and study English Literature and Creative Writing. I'm also going to dye my hair blue because I haven't gone blue yet. I'll change my profile pic when it's done. I got some spray paints - red, black and silver. I was trying them out the other day and it was really fun. I have a few ideas for some pieces. We did it on the photography btec, and I really got into it so I want to take it further. Um, what else. Ooh, even though I dropped out of the btec, I still get a certificate that's the equivelant of an a level or something because I finished the first year. So that's good. That's about it. I'll probably post again later. It's good to be back.

21st April 2012

"Life may be meaningless, but death I still have hope for" - Crepsely, Cirque du freake: The Vampire's Assistant I realised recently that I'm never going to just go through life happily, being grateful for what I have and having a 'normal' routine and a nice house - you know, the whole...white picket fence deal. I realised that no matter how good my life is, it's never gonna be enough because nothing is going to change what happened. And it's totally my own bloody fault, I know that. I just won't fucking let it go. Everyone tells me to let the past be past and just move on but...when has it ever really been that easy? I tried writing this story about this girl who has to look after her little brother and disabled father. Her mother's dead and she does all the housework, makes the meals, does the shopping - all of it. It all rests on her. And she has to juggle school at the same time. I've tweaked it around and mixed it with this other story about this gay couple and having no money and there was anorexia and bulimia and self harm mixed in somewhere but the point is...I couldn't finish writing it because it made me feel so guilty. I was with the Young Carers for a couple of years but I didn't deserve to be there. I didn't wash one of my parents or look after a younger sibling. Yeah, I did housework but...I complained about it. I still complain about it, even though I hate myself for doing it. I should have just dealt with it and I can never stop feeling guilty...That should be rephrased - I can never stop being guilty for that. My family needed me. My mum needed me, my sisters, even my dad - though he'd never have admitted that. Not that I know what I would do differently, aside from not being such a whiny little brat. I'm selfish, manipulative, mouthy, arrogant, stupid... The list goes on. I should have acted like the characters in my story. I would do anything to be one of the people from my stories and not me. Anyone but me. I hate everything about myself and there is nothing anyone could ever say to change that and I try to explain to my mum why I just can't ever like myself but... She always says she was the same when she was my age. But she wasn't. If she were, I'd never have been born, and I shouldn't have been. You know, people who have been in bad situations, sometimes they get addicted to it. Well, it's not addiction as such, it's just that they don't know what to do without it. I hated school with every fibre of my being and it scarred me in more ways than you could imagine, but I'd give anything to be back there because I just...I don't know how to live without it. Everything that went wrong at the time, including everything at home...it was everything. It was all so big, so bad...it was the end of the world and I was drowning. And now...now I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. My life sucked back then, there were such horrible things happening and I spent most of my time crying and getting headaches and hating. I was scared and hurt. And it became what I knew. And now it's not like that anymore. It's not like 'you have to go to school'. Now it's all 'you have to decide what to do with your life and get a job and be responsible and be independent'. I can't handle that. As fucked up and crazy as it is, I'd rather be back with the shallow, backstabbing, cruel, savages at school than have to grow up and go into the big bad world.