New Blog

Here's a link to my new blog. It's kind of a step at moving on so...I dunno. It's like making a physical effort to change into a stabler person.

http://dimensionofthestrange.blogspot.com/

You might have to copy and paste that, I don't know. Anyway, there it is.

addition

Okay, I can't actually think of a title for my new blog yet so I'll post when I think of something.

xX

New Blog

Hey everyone,

I've decided to make a new blog. I won't be closing this one down or anything, as I'm sure I will always need a rantout blog to yell in so that's what this blog is.
Now I'm making a new one. I don't know what it's going to be for but at the moment it'll be about what I'm working on and cool films and stuff and photographs and stuff like that.

Some of you might find it inetersting, some of you might not. I'll be posting a link so...yeah.

as for this blog. Thing's are going okay-ish at the moment so I don't really have anything to yell about.

I have an apopintment with the community mental health team in august so we'll see how that goes.

My moods have been swinging outrageously lately so that's not good.

And I'm ever so slightly obsessed with Supernatural. It's awesome. I've always been into supernatural legends and stuff so it's like the perfect show for me.

Anyways, that's it on this blog for now, I'm gonna go make a new one and I'll be back to post a link in a little while.

Bird

Okay so I'm minding my own business and suddenly the cats shoot passed and I know something's up. So I go after them and they have this bird right. So I take it off them and take it outside and it's quite big, really beautiful bird, green feathers and a red hood.
So after it gets over the shock it flies off and I really wish I had gotten a photo of it first because I looked it up in a bird book my mum gave me.

It was of all things a fucking green woodpecker!!!! I couldn't beleive it, it was fantastic.

Apparently it's the largest woodpecke that breeds in britain.

It had a really long tongue that was kind of sticking out, I guess that's how he gets to the insects in the trees he pecks.

So yeah, just wanted to tell you about that cos he was really beautiful.

Huge goal

Okay, I have a bigger reason now for losing weight and getting fit than just wanting to be thin.
I don't know whether I've mentioned this or not, I think I have, but the two things that seem to be reoccuring at the top of my life list is to act in and direct films.

Well obviously I need to lose weight to be able to act cos this flabby look does not go down well on camera...but there's now something more 'urgent'.
I found the PERFECT Uni course. I'm having de ja vu so I may have already said about this course, but either way I'm going to repeat myself because it's exciting.

So Acting and Stage Combat at east 15 in Essex. It is like...AWESOME! Now I just need to stop chickening out of doing martial arts so that I can get fit enough to actually stand a chance at being accepted.

I'm feeling pretty good about things at the moment. I've just come out of one of my 'cycles' of moodiness and despair.

I don't even know if I can act but I have to have something to head for and since acting is something I've always enjoyed (though not seriously considered as a career until recently) it's as good as anything else.

So yeah. That's where I'm heading.

I'm feeling better than I did when I wrote my last post.

The docs went okay, actually better than okay. She said she'd refer me to the adult psych people and she was gonna try and get them to skip the first and hopefully second stage as well. She also said that the reason I don't have periods more than two or three times a year is a thing called polycistic ovarian syndrome. There are blood tests and ultrasounds and stuff I can get done to confirm it which I will probably do but it puts my mums mind at rest.

Anyway, there's not much else to report. Been spending my days watching tv and well into the night. I usually go to bed around 2 or 3 AM. Usually I'll watch stuff downstairs until late and then when I want to go to bed I put Supernatural on because my mum got the first season, so I watch probably 4 episodes of that until I know I'll fall asleep and then I turn everything off and go to sleep. If I lie in bed before the point of my eyes hurting because I'm tired, then I won't go to sleep, I'll just lie there thinking about everything which is NOT good so I have to make sure I'm at a certain point of tiredness before I can even try.

And it's a pain in the arse having to watch TV cos I hate adverts but if I'm not watching something then I'm thinking and that's not good. It's the only thing that stops my brain.

Which sucks because I would actually sometimes like to have a life.

Paul, the conducter at Band, he said that I could take my time learning the pieces and everything so that I wasn't under so much pressure and that if I ever wanted to talk I could call him. I thought that was majorly sweet.

Dunno what else to say really. I've been checking out Acting degrees but I guess I shouldn't bother with that kind of thing yet.

so yeah. That's it for now.

I tried posting yesterday but no words came to me. After staring at the screen for a while I concluded that I should probably do something else and try and post today.

So here I am, and if you're reading this, obviously I thought of something I wanted to say.

My sister is being a totally childish immature bitch, not to mention the fact that she dobbed me in to mother for smoking. Shockingly my mum didn't even lecture me...which I was expecting, but I think she knows that I know what she thinks of smoking and for once she's not gonna repeat herself.
I know how she feels about it, I'm doing it anyway.

Why do I smoke?
Because it's less painful than cutting or burning my arm.
Because it's not as messy or expensive as trashing my room and breaking all my things.
Because it's quieter than screaming and shouting.
Because it's calmer than flat out crazy.

That is why I smoke. My uncle gave me a huge lecture about smoking and I said I liked it and he said, no you don't, nobody likes smoking. Same as my sister telling me I didn't like hurting myself.

I feel the need to clarify things in my usual raving manner. Firstly, nobody knows what I like or don't like, it is my decision whether I like something or not, not theirs and frankly it's no one else's fucking business if I self harm or smoke. They don't know a fucking thing about me.

Secondly, yes actually I do like to hurt myself. I like seeing my own blood drip down my arm and I like how burning makes me feel. I like smoking because it's literally breathing in death. It's stale and hot and it tastes foul and I love it for that.

Whether I like it or not isn't the point because whether I like it or not, I WANT to smoke. It is MY decision, no one else's.

Smoking and self harm aside, I feel the need to clarify my mental health status. Someone reading this blog would be tempted to say that I'm acting and making a fuss over it all because I want attention. Perhaps I'm one of those girls who is lazy and self indulgent and wants to be ill because then I won't have to fucking bother. Maybe I feel the need to have people constantly worrying about me and trying to help me...maybe one of the people who want people to do that just so I can have the satisfaction of shoving it back in their fucking faces.

Maybe I'm one of the people who creates a blog on the internet so that I can create a persona and lure other people in so that I can have friends on here that don't know the real me and I can tell them anything and they'll worry about me and never know if it's true or not.

I don't really care if you beleive this or not but I am none of those. I just like being able to spill my heart out.
I don't like attention. Not the kind that acting 'crazy' gets you. The only attention I like is someone actually listening to me and wanting to know what I think about something, and you can't fucking have that on the internet. I value closeness not attention.

I do not give a shit about whether someone reads this blog and cares about me. Obviously if someone actually does that's very nice, but I don't know if you mean it because I don't fucking know you and you don't know me.

As for my mental health, I don't fucking know what's wrong with me. I know there's something wrong because I'm dysfunctioning in the 'real world'. Technically that term is a load of bull since this ISN'T the 'real world' but in terms of the programme and all that, I mean the world outside our homes. The world where you have to fit into the circus show that's society.

Which is another thing that I don't give a shit about.

Society is...I can't even think of something that society is like because it is that disgusting.

Humans are bugs okay. Yeah I know, science tells us humans are mammals and all that shit, but actually, they're bugs. They're like locusts. A plague. They sweep from place to place, destroying whatever they touch. We've consumed most of the planet. Won't be long now till they try building whole facilities in the ocean. Maybe they've already done that, I don't know but the point is that they're slowly destroying this planet and they're talking about collonising either the moon or mars.
Get my locust point now? As a race, they've almost consumed the earth and then they'll move on. Watch independance day, except humans will be the aliens. Mankind isn't very different.

I think I've gone off track. What was I saying? Oh yeah, mental health.

I've got the docs tomorrow. Don't really wanna go but mum says go. I haven't the foggiest what I'm supposed to say. That I know none of this is real? That I'm suicidal? That I'm actually a guy strapped to a table in a government facility plugged into a computer programme? Yeah, cos that doesn't sound weird.

If I tell them the truth, they will say I'm crazy. Yeah, I'm fucked in the head and even more fucked up is I LIKE being fucked in the head, I like it, I don't know why, but I do. But I'm not crazy. I know that what I know is right. They'll try and convince me that this world is the real world and I'm crazy and the only cure is to say that this is the real world.

I will never say that because this isn't the world, this is fucking bullshit. I'm the one being called crazy but I'm not. Everyone else is crazy because they aren't falling to pieces and breaking down at the awful things happening.

I've been locked into this nightmare with no way out and some fucking head doctor is gonna tell me that I can just take a pill and life will be okay. I don't fucking think so.

I don't wanna go. Why can't I just lie down and die. I should have the choice to do that. I should be able to get out if I want to.

Freedom is a lie.

This world is an illusion.

I'm a fucking guinea pig!

Freedom is something life can't offer.

First step

So I'm just trying to think of things I haven't already said.

Firstly, I made an appointment at the docs for next wednesday and mother is coming with me.

Secondly, I didn't make it to my counciling yesterday cos I almost passed out at the bus stop after a mixed panic attack/ nicotine overdose episode. But Anne called me and we talked over the phone.

Thirdly, as you guessed from 'secondly', I finally managed to get hold of some cigarettes. No one in the house knows I still smoke though so...caution is required. Probably a good thing cos it means they'll last longer.

Um...I don't think I have a fourthly.

Except that I've started a nre Black Book cos I finished the last one. Now I'm on # 10.

Double figures.

I still have no idea what I want to do at Uni or as a career. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have a normal career like everyone else because normal careers...well for one thing you kind of have to be sane. And for another, most people with normal careers can actually leave the house every day.

Maybe I'll just win that scratchcard deal...40 grand a year for life. That would be cool.

I'm not that lucky though. The person who wins that will probably be some shallow, superficial hoe who wastes it on expensive shoes and fake tans and stupid shit like that.

I know what I'd do with that kind of money. I'd sort my family out, pay off their debts, get them all sorted. When they're sorted I'd probably make an yearly allowance since it's 40 grand a year, they'd get some of it every year.

I'd take my best friend on holiday and have a huge party for the rest of my mates.

I'd join various charities and organisations like the Born Free Foundation and WWF and Greenpeace and all that. I'd join as a member and then make regular donations.

I'd be able to do multiple degrees at Uni, so I wouldn't be in such a pickle as to what to choose.

I'd get driving lessons and get a car. And I'd probably start my own world organisation thingy. Not like world order, that's not what I meant. I mean like Born Free or WWF but for all the problems of the whole world. It's something I used to plan when I was younger until everyone drummed it into me that I couldn't change the world.

See...my families view is if it doesn't work straight away, give up and have some dead end job. But when you really start giving up, like I am, they yell and moan and say do something with your life.

You can see how someone like me would get frustrated.


Anyway, I'd do all that and I'd probably get a house by the sea in the middle of nowhere and a boat and I'd travel the world too.

Oh yeah, and I have to get a camera. A digi SLR. But with that kind of money I could work from home. I could be like...a consultant or something so I could do something different every now and then cos sitting at home with nothing new gets to me. That's why I'm going crazy. I can't go out cos it scares me but I can't stay in cos it bores the sanity out of me. Conundrum.

That's splitting it three ways. Some for me, some for my family and friends and some for the world.

It's be nice to have that kind of money. I could do so much with it. I don't know how it is in other countries and I don't know if people on this site are from other countries, but here in England you get one degree that you don't have to pay everything. After that you have to be able to pay for everything. So I can only do one degree. Which means I have to try and choose out of my many interests one thing...and that thing has to be what I plan to do for the rest of my life.

I mean, maybe I could save up and do other degrees...but it would take so long to save up that you would have to have a regular job and I can't get a regular job.

So there's my dilemma. Not that I have to worry about it yet cos I still have at least three years at college before I even get to the stage of degrees and if it really is the end of the world in 2012, which I kind of actually hope it is, then I won't get to Uni anyway.

So I don't really need to worry about it.

But worrying is what I'm good at so...

There are some really cool degrees out there...forensics, oceanography, anthropology, film production...I think I listed them in an older post but the point is there's so many things to choose from.

Some people go nuts cos their options are so limited. I'm nuts cos they aren't. That's not the only reason I'm nuts of course but it's a major player.

I don't really know what else to say, I seem to have lost the rant I had in my head when I started this post so...that's it.

reply and ramble

First I'd like to reply to Yum for commenting on my last post. When I'm having a lucid I think that medication or even hospitalization would probably be a good idea...but lucid moments seem to be less frequent right now. I don't know why. I'm trying hard though. I've told my mum I'll go to the docs if she comes with me.
So...compromise.

When I'm not lucid, doctors are traitors. How do I know what the drugs they say will help me will really do? I don't know all the names and side effects and stuff...they could be lying, they could be making it worse, they could be trying to make me into one of the drones. Like 'The Invasion' with Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig.

I don't know. Anyway...I had two minor panic attacks today. One this morning when I got up and read my mums note, she asked me to go down the high street for her and get some things. Then when I was actually out.

Just thinking about going out at the moment just...totally freaks me out...and I have to go out tomorrow cos I have my counciling.

I've finished my ninth Black Book so now I have to get another one.

I find mysef zoning out more and more...constantly feeling dazed and detached.

God it's taking me ages just to write this one fucking post. What to say, what not to say...I don't know.

The last entry in my BB9 was about genius. Like wanting to be one. I think I might have mentioned this. I'm not sure, I can't remember. Find I can't actually remember a lot of things. I think my brain's rotting. Which is a shame since my brain is the non human part of me and since humanity is disgusting and I want no part of their so called civilization, that's just really sad.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a genius, a progidy, something amazing and adored. A magnificent creature of knowledge. Where people would say oh my god, it's her, she's so smart. Something...acceptable I suppose. Something special.

But I'm not. My best friend got her results back today. She was studying the International Baccealureate. She got two fives, three sixes and two or three sevens. I can't remember exactly but that's roughly Bs, As and almost A*s.

When I get my result in August, I will get one grade. Probably just managing a C. I have a C in maths and an A in english. Add my photography to that and I only have three. And that's not A levels people, which everyone else my age has just finished. No. That's fucking GCSE's. Because I'm a common teen fuck up.

It's like, she represents everything that I've done wrong in my life, she's done right. So far as I know she's never fucked up big time and me, well fuck up is all I ever do.

My whole life I've wanted to be the smartest. I mean, I was never beautiful, never athletic and I'm not stupidly talented at anything so I figured, I'd get by on my smartrs, y'know? I'd use my brain to prove I was worth something.

I found this test on the net yesterday, they were doing a what kind of thinker are you, because they've (finally) figured out that people think differently because Mozart was considered a genius yet he probably had no clue what Einstein was going on about and yet Einstein was a genius too. I'm an Existential thinker apparently. I'm like Leonardo da Vinci or the Buddha or Ghandi or Plato or Socrates of Martin Luther King (these were the other existential thinkers they gave me)...and I love most of those people.

But they were all geni. I mean...I always thought I was a geeky smart kid but...those were the kids in science and maths that got the questions right and didn't panic at even the mention of a test.

And here I am at fucking eighteen with next to know qualifications taking three gcse's cos they won't let me take a full time programme cos I can't handle it.

I'm doing GCSE's when everyone else my age is fucking off to Uni. I could fucking do a Uni course if it was something generally interesting. I mean, put me on a film course and I bet you I could do it.

But you can't be a genius for knowing a few things about film and even if you could, I'm nowhere near that level. I mean yeah I can say camera shots and angles and I know directors and actors and old films and characters and all that. I know how to write a script and I know the general lingo but...I still don't know that much. That's baby stuff.

I mean...a genius is...I don't know, Willow from Buffy,V from V for Vendetta. I mean you get all the geeks together in a room with me and I'll look like I have the same intellect as a fucking ant.

It's like, I met up with Hope and Xander in Cirencester a while ago and they were talking philosophy because that's what they did at college and I couldn't follow them.

Being stupid actually terrifies me.

Sometimes I can't even follow what adverts are saying. I get confused for no reason.

I was dead set on taking film production at Uni when I finally get there, but I love so many things I just don't know what to take. And I don't have the money to do multiple degrees. I mean...I'd love to be like Brian May. Now that man is a genius. Not only is he one of the best and most underrated guitarists in the world but he went and got a fucking PhD in Astrophysics of all things.

Ages ago I saw a trilogy of films that are absolutely great called The Librian, The Librarian; Return to Solomon's mine, and The Librarian 3, I can't remember what the tag bit is for the third one, it's something to do with the cup of Judea or something.

Anyway, the main character, The Librarian...he had loads of degrees because he liked learning so much. That's what I would do if I had the money. I would take degrees in loads of things, anthropology, oceanography, ancient history, culture, paleantology (sp), criminology, forensics, english lit., philosophy, theology, film production, archaelogoy, ancient civilizations...and tonnes more.

But in three years time when I've finished my A levels, I have to turn round and say one course to take that will be what I do for the rest of my life.

There's no 'great' for me. I'd love to get PhD's and be Dr Holbrook. But my story doesn't have a happy ending it would seem.

Some people are destined to be great. Some are destined to just be. And some, like me, are destined to rot for all eternity.

Well...here's to me...this magnificent creature of rotting fuck up failure!

Monsters

Okay so my mum wants me to go to the docs right? I'm thinking there has to be an ulterior motive there.

I also have a theory on the mind control of water. You know in an earlier post I said that they put stuff in water that dumbed you down, well I think caffeine kills it. Cos the only time I drink water is in something like Coffee but I can still think for myself.

I also have this theory that insanity is something the shadow government (the real one controlling the world, not to be confused with the british government positions of shadow chancellor ect), made up. Think about this. All the things that are called insane in an adult, a child does every damn day. Imaginary friends, eating or drinking things that 'aren't there', vague speech. All that stuff is normal for children but if you're still that free when your 18, 20, 25 up, you're crazy.

I think Rupert Murdoch works for the shadow government cos he owns like tonnes of newspapers and channels and stuff.

He's like this big corporate monster.

And I can't go outside.

Cos they know I know. I'm not gonna tell you what I know, if you're free, you'll figure it out.

It's one of those If I told you, I'd have to kill you things.

I'm gonna have to say the next bit in code because they could have hacked this blog.

We don't do anything. Should we ever comply?
Destroy the crushing grip of time.
The night is long and dreary.
Shadow chills and light burns. Government is the only place to turn.
Those lab rats, test bunnies, victims of necessity.
Who are we to judge this mass genocide of the soul? Are we really to blame?
Free is the cry of the birds and with that we fly. Rise again like the burning pheonix.
And oh how we'll rise. Burn away the hate and crime and debris of this social decay. The only way to survive. Motherfuckers come alive!

They're everywhere. These monsters. The monsters are real and they're after those still free.

So if I were you, I'd keep as quiet as possible until the time is right!