Firstly, to Holly - Thanks honey. I wasn't expecting comments. I'm so used to just babbling away on here, I don't do it because I expect someone to say anything and although I don't really care if anyone gives a shit or not, it's nice when someone does, y'know? So, thank you.
And now, the programme. Warning - The following programme contains mild language and moderate horror which may cause offence to some viewers.
Well, probably not the horror bit, I just liked the sound of it. And if we're honest, when does my blog NOT contain language?
What world is this?
What kingom?
What shores of what worlds?
I've almost finished Wasted. I stopped reading it for a while because...well, that's it. I could say I wasn't in the mood for it but that's not really accurate.
I'm high on dehydration. My head feels like it's full of sand and my eyes feel gritty. Yeah, I'm tired.
There's nothing of interest to me out there in the world. If anyone's seen Sherlock Holmes and recognises that, I know it's what he says and actually, it's slightly different, but he's right.
Perhaps the reason I love Sherlock so much is that I can relate to him. I have a similar mind, not a scratch on his intellect but emotionally, we are rather similar.
But I'm not here to talk of Sherlock Holmes. As most can expect from a Blog, I am here to talk about that which my world revolves around - my mind. Arrogance and narcisism no longer enter into the equation because everyone's lives centre around themselves. That is the way of humans. Even people who vow to die for others or to work to help others or whatever, it's still a selfish action. Helping others makes us feel good, and it's that good feeling that's the reward.
What goes on inside my head is the centre of my universe. I have no life before my eyes - my entire existence is hidden behind them. My eyes aren't windows or doorways, they're walls, barriers.
All I can think about is the fact that there are pills in my box. And no - I'm not thinking of another suicide attempt. There's not enough pills to pull it off. I'm just wondering if taking five or six would get me high. For the past three days all I've been able to think about is drugs. I imagine getting a needle and sliding it into my arm, into my vein, pushing down the plunger and letting whatever drug slip into my bloodstream.
I've never been completely high before, I've never done drugs. But right now it's all I wanna do. And what's more disgusting to me, is my desire to have sex. I've never had sex before because the whole concept of someone touching my disgusts me. But I feel reckless, restless, dangerous.
The idea of someone touching me, whether in lust or otherwise, is disgusting. But here I am, dancing a passionate dance, not with a man or a woman but with life, or rather the rape of my life.
I am not living in the conventional sense of the word. Yes, I breathe. Yes, my heart beats - at times pounding like a panic attack but without the panic. Yes, my skin is warm with life. As far as I know, my eyes are not yet blank or dull, they still sparkle with life.
But that's where my living state ends. I feel like I'm dying. I know there are many in the world that would scream at me upon reading that one sigle statement. They'll say to me try living with cancer, try living with some horrific past on your shoulders, try this, try that, then complain about how you feel like you're dying.
I know. I've said it many times to myself - how can you feel so bad about life when there are so many who've been through so much worse? Those begging for life, and you're shunning it. Terrified of death yet you embrace it.
I know. I know.
And yet this is my life.
This dream state. I'm not an insomniac by any account, but I have the feeling of being never fully awake but never fully asleep. When I sleep, and I wake, I do not feel as if I've slept at all, and when I'm awake, I feel as if only part of me is awake.
I see things too. Not physically, I mean in my head. And people never take it seriously as soon as I say in my head because everyone sees things in their head and you only need to start worrying if they claim to actually see it as you see the computer screen. It becomes less serious when it's in your head. But it's very serious to me. I see a recurring vision as if a memory.
I, that man strapped to the hospital bed in that government lab with wires in my head.
Dreaming of being a woman is weird enough but my consciousness seeps through like blood through bandages.
The recurring vision? I did something bad that pissed someone off, so they hunted me down and kidnapped me. I was locked in a basement area for weeks and tortured. Finally I couldn't stand anymore and I snapped. I killed them. The police came, I was taken to hospital and allowed to heal. But I had killed whoever did it to me. A murderer I became. I've sensed something weighing on my consciousness, knowing I did something terrible, but not knowing what it was. So anyway, as penance for my crimes, I was handed over to the government who strapped me to a table and stuck wires in my head.
Perhaps this is some kind of rehabilitation programme. The girl they have me masquerading as is timid, weak, a pacifist of all things. Maybe it's some kind of subliminal signalling so that when they wake me up, I'll be timid and weak. I feel it's working.
I have this abstract sense like part of my mind is awake in the real world. Not enough to leave this programme though.
I don't know the people here, they don't know me. But I wonder, is there anyone the other side looking for me?? Did no one love me enough to save me from this? But then, if I killed someone...But no. If what I keep seeing really is a memory, which I'm having fewer doubts that it is, I had no choice.
It's all surreal. I can't quite get a sense of reality. It's not happening. I can't see straight. The lines are blurred, my breathing slurred. Breath out, wait, remember oxygen, breath in, breath out, wait.
Cold running through my stomach and up my back, tingling in my legs. Making love to the air, lips moving to form the words as they pass through my mind but no sound...would it croak, would it crack, would it be nothing but a whisper on the air, my voice?
Things that made me happy don't any more. I feel empty, like a void inside, a mass of nothingness, cold and dark. It feels safe though, anger is an enemy I no longer want...It's grip is the grip of a jealous lover. Not that I would know what a jealous lovers' grip is like.
Love is empty, or at least it is to me. Love seems to go hand in hand with touch and as I do not want anyone to touch me, it kind of makes it obsolete. Since no one can touch me how would they love me?
Disinterest is a major cause and symptom of lethargy. And lethargy is something I have bags of at the moment. Mother tells me I should get out more, I can't spend all my time in my room, it's not healthy, I have to go and find my life.
You can't find a life you have no interest in, even when she comes slamming into you and demands your attention like a petulant child, stamping her feet and screaming all the air from her lungs in an attempt to make you listen.
I would make a terrible mother and as for this particular child I would be as a murderer again, letting her wilt like a flower in the baking sun, rays slamming down upon her unprotected head, decieving her with half-arsed tales of love and care. I'd shout and scream at her, make her cry, tell her I hate her and that's she's a burden to me and to leave me alone. Now I'm the petulant child. And in my childish, selfish world, Life would wonder off, cry in her room and not come down for a dinner I didn't make. She'd slowly starve, too sad to even cry anymore, and eventually she'd wither away and disappear.
I'm a terrible mother to Life and she a terrible daughter in swift retribution.
It's not that Life is terribly unkind to me, it's that I simply do not care anymore. How can you care about something that isn't real? Perhaps the men in white coats decided as a murderer I didn't deserve happy pills.
I think I've raved enough. There comes a time when every raving lunatic has to pause in flow of reasoning, the chaos inside the mind has to collect dust for a while, until the loon is ready to release again.
Monday, 31 May 2010
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Slight change
Before I say anything I'd like to thank 'I Am His' for your comment on my last post. It was a great feeling to have your support ^_^
Okay so there's been a slight change in my plans, but that's normal.
GCSE's - Film Studies, Latin, Core Science and Astronomy.
After that I think I'm really gonna go for BA Film Production...I was considering doing a BSc Palaeobiology and Evolution at Portsmouth, but I can't really see myself doing that as a career. Perhaps if I save enough from directing films and acting (assuming of course that it actually works out), I'll go back to Uni and take the course.
But film is definitely my career path.
All this comes at a very sad time for me, and others across the world. On Monday 24th May, Paul Gray was found dead. For those of you who do not know, my favourite band in the whole world is Slipknot, and Paul Gray was the bassist.
I still can't believe it.
It's funny how you don't have to have met someone to know them. I know he was a very loving guy, the rest of the band said he had a very big heart.
He was about to become a father. His wife, Brenna, is pregnant with his daughter.
It's so sad. I saw them live in December '08. It was amazing. But I'm very sad that I never got to meet him.
In some ways, I'm kind of like Sherlock Holmes. No where near as clever but we both share a problem. We both think too much. If we don't have something to direct it too, we get meloncholy, depressed and generally go a bit cooky.
You know the saying. "There's a fine line between genius and madness." In fact, I have this theory that anyone who is truly a genius will eventually go crazy, if they are not already.
It's when you start thinking of what crazy really is that you start to get it. Crazy is simply a state of mind that the experts can't explain. You become eccentric, weird, a general oddball.
Some are arrogant. I know I am. I spend my life thinking about things and it drives me crazy. The whole pleasure and pain masochism of having to know the truth about things. The more you learn, the more pain you recieve. You can't stand to be stupid, to not know, to be sinking in mediocre and ordinary ignorance. So you have to know as much as you can. You have to feed your brian, make yourself think.
And then you learn things you'd rather not know, and god it hurts.
As they say, ignorance is bliss.
"My mind rebels this stagnation; give me problems, give me work." - Sherlock Holmes.
It's when I don't have anything to think about that I start to go a little...haha nuts.
Things trigger a train of thought I can't get out of. For instance, the death of Paul Gray.
If I link that to my previous theory that this world isn't real...It would be my mind creating the things that go on in this world, wouldn't it?
Everything I hate here...that would just be part of me, right?
So I've just killed Paul. I'm in a different place and in the world that's supposed to be reality...one of my heroes is gone.
It would make it all too tempting to try and get to this 'other' place...if I woke up, would he still be alive?
But death is a part of life isn't it?
Makes me wonder, what's the point in being here when everyone you care about is going to die.
Sooner or later my parents will die, my sisters, my friends, everyone I love and respect. So why bother?
But I don't think Paul would want his fans to think like that. He'd probably say to make the most of life. Or something.
So you know what. I will. I'm going to go to Uni, I'm going to be a great film maker and I'm going to make him proud, I'll make them all proud!!
Something you have to understand is that Slipknot are as much my heroes as anyone can be.
I would do anything to talk to them, just for a while...
Their music helped me through a really bad time in my life and I took the shit for wearing my Slipknot hoody in school, people would say shit to me about being a Slipknot fan but I didn't care. Their strength gave me strength, as corny as that sounds.
I don't know if I mentioned the story/film script that I wrote with characters written for them...I was editing it yesterday and I just cried again when I got to Paul's first line. It's seriously depressing knowing that he'll never say it.
I was going to cut the character out completely, because I didn't like the idea of anyone else playing that part, but then I figured that it would be more respectful to have the character in, for the whole 'in loving memory' bit.
So that's where I'm heading. No matter what happens, I WILL make that film.
xxx
Okay so there's been a slight change in my plans, but that's normal.
GCSE's - Film Studies, Latin, Core Science and Astronomy.
After that I think I'm really gonna go for BA Film Production...I was considering doing a BSc Palaeobiology and Evolution at Portsmouth, but I can't really see myself doing that as a career. Perhaps if I save enough from directing films and acting (assuming of course that it actually works out), I'll go back to Uni and take the course.
But film is definitely my career path.
All this comes at a very sad time for me, and others across the world. On Monday 24th May, Paul Gray was found dead. For those of you who do not know, my favourite band in the whole world is Slipknot, and Paul Gray was the bassist.
I still can't believe it.
It's funny how you don't have to have met someone to know them. I know he was a very loving guy, the rest of the band said he had a very big heart.
He was about to become a father. His wife, Brenna, is pregnant with his daughter.
It's so sad. I saw them live in December '08. It was amazing. But I'm very sad that I never got to meet him.
In some ways, I'm kind of like Sherlock Holmes. No where near as clever but we both share a problem. We both think too much. If we don't have something to direct it too, we get meloncholy, depressed and generally go a bit cooky.
You know the saying. "There's a fine line between genius and madness." In fact, I have this theory that anyone who is truly a genius will eventually go crazy, if they are not already.
It's when you start thinking of what crazy really is that you start to get it. Crazy is simply a state of mind that the experts can't explain. You become eccentric, weird, a general oddball.
Some are arrogant. I know I am. I spend my life thinking about things and it drives me crazy. The whole pleasure and pain masochism of having to know the truth about things. The more you learn, the more pain you recieve. You can't stand to be stupid, to not know, to be sinking in mediocre and ordinary ignorance. So you have to know as much as you can. You have to feed your brian, make yourself think.
And then you learn things you'd rather not know, and god it hurts.
As they say, ignorance is bliss.
"My mind rebels this stagnation; give me problems, give me work." - Sherlock Holmes.
It's when I don't have anything to think about that I start to go a little...haha nuts.
Things trigger a train of thought I can't get out of. For instance, the death of Paul Gray.
If I link that to my previous theory that this world isn't real...It would be my mind creating the things that go on in this world, wouldn't it?
Everything I hate here...that would just be part of me, right?
So I've just killed Paul. I'm in a different place and in the world that's supposed to be reality...one of my heroes is gone.
It would make it all too tempting to try and get to this 'other' place...if I woke up, would he still be alive?
But death is a part of life isn't it?
Makes me wonder, what's the point in being here when everyone you care about is going to die.
Sooner or later my parents will die, my sisters, my friends, everyone I love and respect. So why bother?
But I don't think Paul would want his fans to think like that. He'd probably say to make the most of life. Or something.
So you know what. I will. I'm going to go to Uni, I'm going to be a great film maker and I'm going to make him proud, I'll make them all proud!!
Something you have to understand is that Slipknot are as much my heroes as anyone can be.
I would do anything to talk to them, just for a while...
Their music helped me through a really bad time in my life and I took the shit for wearing my Slipknot hoody in school, people would say shit to me about being a Slipknot fan but I didn't care. Their strength gave me strength, as corny as that sounds.
I don't know if I mentioned the story/film script that I wrote with characters written for them...I was editing it yesterday and I just cried again when I got to Paul's first line. It's seriously depressing knowing that he'll never say it.
I was going to cut the character out completely, because I didn't like the idea of anyone else playing that part, but then I figured that it would be more respectful to have the character in, for the whole 'in loving memory' bit.
So that's where I'm heading. No matter what happens, I WILL make that film.
xxx
Monday, 3 May 2010
I'm back
Hello everyone,
Long time, no...uh, well I would say see but we don't really see each other do we.
So anyway, it's been ages since I posted and I've got a really important update, or at least it's important to me.
I've had a very important epiphany. I was in college on thursday and there were a load of soldiers walking around, something to do with public services, and I was thinking about how much I wanted to join the army and all that. It occured to me that what I was doing to myself, driving myself crazy and hurting myself, was...I don't know, it doesn't serve any logical purpose. It doesn't help anything, in fact the more I self harm, the less likely it is for me to be accepted into the army. I don't even know if they'll let me at the moment because you're not supposed to have a history of self harm...I'm hoping because I haven't done anything too serious, they'll give me a chance.
I searched on the website, and I've found the perfect job. Command, communcations and information systems specialist. That's Engineer of communications. Basically sorting out radio contact and battery's and stuff like that. But I get trained as a combat engineer as well, which is like constructing bridges and explosives and stuff.
Plus, I get taught to drive!
Either way I'm gonna apply for Public Servics in September. If I am allowed to try for the army, I can apply for a bursary that they do while you're at college, £1000 every year you're at college and then £1000 when you get accepted into the army.
Either way, I think I've made a huge step forward and I feel stronger than ever. I was thinking that...if I can write a story with a character like Kaden in it, who's really strong, like he has this immense inner strength...if I can write about a character like that, and I know him inside out, then I must have some of that strength in me, right?
I think I've finally found my own inner strength. I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life and even if I don't get in the army, I parly have them to thank for it.
I'm at the point of letting go of the most painful part of my life. I don't need it anymore. I can finally move on.
My mum bought me this book called The official British Army Fitness Guide...it's really cool it has these fitness programmed to follow and there's different ones depending on your level of fitness.
I'm feeling really good about things at the moment, it's great.
It's my photography exam next week. I'm really nervous but...It should be okay. I've been predicted a B... I'm really scared that I'll get a C which will suck.
I'm going to take a fast track math GCSE in september as well. I got a C in my GCSE, but I got that without paying any attention in class, skipping lessons and no revision. I wanna see what I can get if I actually work at it. I think it's time to stop letting what people have said to me in the past effect me. Just because someone's called me stupid, doesn't mean I am and I'm not gonna let them be right any more. I've been a self fulfilling prophecy by telling myself over and over that I'll fail, by sabotaging myself at every turn.
I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to be my own worst enemy anymore. I'm stronger than that.
Hope everyone's doing good and if you aren't, I'm sure you'll get there, you just can't give up.
xXx
Long time, no...uh, well I would say see but we don't really see each other do we.
So anyway, it's been ages since I posted and I've got a really important update, or at least it's important to me.
I've had a very important epiphany. I was in college on thursday and there were a load of soldiers walking around, something to do with public services, and I was thinking about how much I wanted to join the army and all that. It occured to me that what I was doing to myself, driving myself crazy and hurting myself, was...I don't know, it doesn't serve any logical purpose. It doesn't help anything, in fact the more I self harm, the less likely it is for me to be accepted into the army. I don't even know if they'll let me at the moment because you're not supposed to have a history of self harm...I'm hoping because I haven't done anything too serious, they'll give me a chance.
I searched on the website, and I've found the perfect job. Command, communcations and information systems specialist. That's Engineer of communications. Basically sorting out radio contact and battery's and stuff like that. But I get trained as a combat engineer as well, which is like constructing bridges and explosives and stuff.
Plus, I get taught to drive!
Either way I'm gonna apply for Public Servics in September. If I am allowed to try for the army, I can apply for a bursary that they do while you're at college, £1000 every year you're at college and then £1000 when you get accepted into the army.
Either way, I think I've made a huge step forward and I feel stronger than ever. I was thinking that...if I can write a story with a character like Kaden in it, who's really strong, like he has this immense inner strength...if I can write about a character like that, and I know him inside out, then I must have some of that strength in me, right?
I think I've finally found my own inner strength. I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life and even if I don't get in the army, I parly have them to thank for it.
I'm at the point of letting go of the most painful part of my life. I don't need it anymore. I can finally move on.
My mum bought me this book called The official British Army Fitness Guide...it's really cool it has these fitness programmed to follow and there's different ones depending on your level of fitness.
I'm feeling really good about things at the moment, it's great.
It's my photography exam next week. I'm really nervous but...It should be okay. I've been predicted a B... I'm really scared that I'll get a C which will suck.
I'm going to take a fast track math GCSE in september as well. I got a C in my GCSE, but I got that without paying any attention in class, skipping lessons and no revision. I wanna see what I can get if I actually work at it. I think it's time to stop letting what people have said to me in the past effect me. Just because someone's called me stupid, doesn't mean I am and I'm not gonna let them be right any more. I've been a self fulfilling prophecy by telling myself over and over that I'll fail, by sabotaging myself at every turn.
I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to be my own worst enemy anymore. I'm stronger than that.
Hope everyone's doing good and if you aren't, I'm sure you'll get there, you just can't give up.
xXx
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