Rant # whatever

I've lost track of how many rants I've posted on here. I guess it's in my nature to rant.

I'd rather be the strong, silent type. I feel like I've got this weight on my shoulders and I should be carrying it without complaint, without pouring my soul out on a stupid blog, without breaking down.

I lost most of whatever faith I had to begin with, but I still feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I should be doing important things, like I should be doing big things...but I'm not. I'm failing at whatever purpose I was born with and I'm not getting anywhere.

All my hate for the bad things and I'm not doing a damn thing about it. I'm sat around feeling sorry for myself when I should be building homes and wells and setting up conservation areas and feeding the hungry and all the other samaritan shit that needs to be done.

I should be out there making a difference and I'm in here shutting everything out to dwell in my own pathetic self fucking pity and my deserved but ridiculous self loathing.

My mum always says the only one who can change me is me. That's why I started my other blog, because I wanted to change. But change doesn't happen overnight. That's a mistake I've made too many times. I've had a lift in my mood and I start to think that I don't need anything anymore, I'm fine and I can do anything.

There are a lot of strong people out there and for them that might be true. But not for me. And despite what the bastard in my head might tell me, it's not because I'm a weak person.

I've lasted through some tough shit. Not as bad as some people, granted, but others have given up over less.

I'm stronger than 'it' is. It's not gonna win over me. It's come fucking close quite a few times. But I've held on.

I'm not yet sure why I've held on. Part of me still believes there's something to fight for even when everything seems to be going wrong. Sometimes I take one look at the world and all I see is evil. Bad things and bad people. But I also believe that if I weren't supposed to be here, I'd be dead by now. The two times I tried to kill myself, I took enough to put someone in a coma. And I came away without a scratch as it were. Sure, the first time I had a fit and the second time I threw my guts up but that's it. If I were supposed to die, that would have killed me.

As much as I might think about it sometimes, I don't think I'm ready to die yet. Because I'm a stubborn bitch and there's a part of me that's getting stronger, and she believes that one day I'm GOING to 'make it', I'm GOING to be where I want to be. Things CAN and WILL be better. Maybe we have to totally crash and burn first, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the apocolypse is coming and sometimes I even think that the hell with it, it fucking well should. But I always feel that if it does, afterwards we will rebuild and be better off.

From what I've seen, the best of us have been through some sort of evil and made it out the other side better than we were.

Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we lose. But I'm not gonna be one of those. I refuse to be.

For some reason, my favourite characters end up being the same kind of person. They end up being the kind of person that will keep going no matter how shit things go, they're strong, they usually joke until things get stupidly serious. I might not joke around, I mean I guess I do at times. I can be a little sarcastic, a little cynical. But the point it...I'm gonna keep going.

Yeah, sometimes things go to pot, sometimes life sucks. My favourite character from The Belgariad by David Eddings, Silk, he has this saying. I didn't make the world, I just try to live in it.

Things are gonna change. I'm changing. I'm not the scared little girl I used to be. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not weak anymore. And I'm not gonna give up just because there's been a few bumps in the road.

I've got a bit more help to get. Got an appointment with the community mental health team in a couple of weeks. Maybe they'll be able to get my moods stable. I've got a bit more ranting to do. But after that...I'm almost to the point where I don't need this anymore.

I don't think I'll ever be totally normal or totally fine. But I don't want to be normal and I can handle not being fine.

"I'd take our family over normal any day" - Dean Winchester, Supernatural 'Bugs', Season One.

There are a lot of things in life that can't be explained and I guess even if you're not particularly religious, sometimes you just have to have a little faith.

I think there's a reason for most things, even if we can't figure out what that reason might be. I think there's a reason I didn't die. I'm gonna see this through.

I'm not sure what I'm having faith in, but I have faith.




The road might be long and hard, and it might get lonely sometimes, but I'm not going down without a fucking good fight!