Crazy

So...

I guess it's been a few days since my last post. This is because I didn't have access to my computer because me and my sister switched rooms. I've always wanted the little room at the back of the house looking out on the back garden and the cemetary beyond. Yeah, I'm morbid and I like cemetaries, get over it.
Giz needed more room for her uni work so it was a fair trade. She's making a load of racket at the moment cos she's getting all the wall paper off so she can paint her room. Normally I'd be pissed, but I can understand why she wants to redecorate so much. The walls of that room were my outlet for a very bad time in my life and living in a room with that writing on the walls would depress anyone.


I'm going to repaint this room too because my sister is alot more feminine than me and the walls are bright pink at the moment. I hate pink. It's a nice enough colour for flowers and such, but not for walls or clothes.]


I have to go to work soon so I've gotta make this quick and as you may well know, I have a bad habit of rambling. I went to portsmouth with my grandad this morning and saw the sea. I love the sea. If I could live anywhere I'd live by the sea.

No one owns the sea.

I've managed to convince everyone that I'm doing fine, feeling good etc etc etc.

I told mother my theory about actually being a man and all that...it's currently driving me insane and what's her reaction? She laughs it off as just another one of my quirks.

She never takes me seriously and then she freaks out when I try to kill myself and says oh I never expected her to do that.

I'm not exactly fucking subtle. And no. I'm not not subtle because I want attention. I'm just not subtle because I don't particularly care if people know or not.

She's all pissy cos I'm quitting my job. She won't accept that I can't deal with having a job on top of college. It's either college or a job, not both and I've chosen college.

End of.

I don't know why she bothers fucking moaning at me because it's not like she pays much attention to me anyway, especially now. It's all about her business. Hey, I'm happy for her, she's got a life.

She doesn't wanna face up to the fact that I might have a problem...I may have several, I don't know, I could just be fucking lazy.

But she won't put her life on hold for me and I don't expect or want her to. I've been looking after myself since as long as I can remember. There's always been something going on which meant that I had to deal with myself.

I can look after myself. So if she wants to blank out any possibility that there might be a problem with me, fine.

The less attention she pays, the more likely I am to succeed.

I have no interest in relationships, I have no interest in friends or family and I have no interest in life in general. I've lost all interest in anything. The only thing I'm particularly curious about now is what happens after death.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see huh...

I don't wanna waste anyone's time when it might just be me being stupid, but I do think there's something 'wrong' with me.

It's kind of hard to explain and I guess until I can fully explain it, no one's going to take me seriously. That's okay. It doesn't really matter if people understand me or not. I don't understand them and I don't want to understand them, so it's irrelevant if they understand me or not.