Realise

So I was watching a film earlier called 'Never Been Kissed'...it's a total chick flick but hey...who cares, it was a good film.

It got me to thinking. I said to one of my co workers the other week 'If they fuck you up in school, they fuck you up for life.'

Most people don't really change like they do in films. You know, the arseholes in school are still arseholes ten years later, they may be more or less of an arsehole, but they're still an arsehole.

It takes a total life changing experience to break you of the habits you build in the 12 odd years you spend in school.

You can almost always tell what kind of clique someone was in in 'high school'. Maybe I'm generalising... it just seems to me that all these movies about how shit high school (or equivelant) is to people but they turn their lives in a total different direction and totally shock everyone...that doesn't happen very often. That's like...the chances of getting blown up by a terrorist, which isn't a very good analogy since those chances are getting more and more probably as time goes by. Let's say instead that it's the same chance as getting hit by lightning.

And here's the true shocker people. THEY'RE JUST FILMS!!! I know, that's a tragic and terrifying thought, but those are actors, and the story line is (unless it's based on true events) made up...pulled from someone's imagination.

I hate the fact that films aren't real because if films were real, I'd have some huge wonderful life changing event like winning the lottery or some lost relative turning out to be royal or something like that.

Actually, from all the films I've watched the most likely life changing event statistically that I could go through would be having an amazingly kind and gentle lover who I'd probably fuck over halfway through and then we'd make up again and I'd turn my life around. That's how my life would go if I was in a film...unless of course I'm one of the minor characters who probably commits suicide or disappears after a five minute cameo that's just to piss the main character off or something.

If we lived in a fair or just world, every single person would get one or more chances to pull off their dream life.

Of course, you could say that being born is that chance, but then...if it was truly fair and just, you wouldn't have people who fuck it up for other's just out of pure fucking sadistic pleasure.

It's funny you know...most of the kids that bully people in school...ten, five, two years down the line, they won't even fucking remember. But the victim will. It will fucking haunt them for the rest of their lives. If people tell someone over and over that they're useless and worthless and they fuck everything up, they will start to believe it so fuckin much that it comes true. Self fulfilled prophecy and all that.

So here's for one more chance. I'm gonna try once and for all to get my dream life. I am gonna give it one more shot, just one. If it works, hey fucking presto, you'll see me in the media soon.

If it doesn't...well I doubt one more suicide would make the media. And you know what, no...I'm not going to kill myself just because I'm just another fucking failure who quits at everything.

I could write a fucking novel on all the reasons to commit suicide...but it's one of those last straw moments.

Right now, the only reason that I am still breathing is the possibility that I might be able to turn this shit around and actually get somewhere with my life. MIGHT being the operative word.

This is the last thing. If this fails too...then that's it.

You believe in destiny?

Well I have a feeling my destiny is to kill myself. Why? I don't fucking no but so far it's the only fucking thing that feels remotely right and remotely real.

So there you go. A career is my last shot. If that fails too, I'm out of this shit hole once and for all. Third time lucky as they say, I'm testing that theory out.

I know that my fucking rambling probably sounds like total and complete shite to anyone reading it but hey, life's a fucking peach, right?

Prove me wrong.