sick, sick, SICK

I am so angry right now it is just fucking unreal.

So my mum comes in my room and says Don't smoke in here.

But she doesn't want my oldest sister to find out I smoke so where the hell else am I supposed to fucking smoke???

I'm so fucking sick of this shit. They can't let me go too long without reminding me that the world revolved around my sister.

She's the only one allowed to smoke, she's the only one allowed some form of mental fuck up, she's the only one allowed social anxiety and seasonal adjustment disorder and she's the only one allowed to have problems sleeping.

Every fucking time I mention something like having a bad day or being tired, she has to fucking pipe up that she's got it worse. She just has to be the fucking poor little victim every fucking time. I'm so fucking sick of it. And mum eats it up with a fucking shovel let alone a spoon. HER HER HER HER HER HER HER HER HER!!!!!!!!!

No one can possibly have anything wrong with them while she's around. No one has it as bad as her, no one's work is more important than hers, no one's fucking as hard done by as she is.

And everyone practically fucking worships her. Oh isn't she beautiful, isn't she talented, isn't she such a fucking ray of sunshine, isn't she so fucking perfect.

I hate her.

The two oldest girls are the perfect fucking stars, the two youngest are the family fuck ups. I'm THE youngest. So people just fucking shake their heads with me. Up from me is Kim, the one who's with a married man currently getting a divorce who's old enough to be her dad and had twins with him, so actually she's more of a 'disappointment' than I am, or so it would seem.

They've had the grandchildren from her, the superior fucking intellect and maturity from Kay and then pure fucking beauty and artistic talent from Ros.

And then there's me. None of us finished school but Ros managed to work her way into University.
Kays got a faince, a house and a job.
Kim's got babies.

Me? What have I got to offer them?

A series of drop outs, fuck ups and failed suicide attempts.

I mean sure, Ros had her share of attempts, but she's 'got over it' and is now at Uni.

Whereas I keep dragging it out because it's all I fucking know.

I'm not as smart as Kay, the superior fucking bitch, I'm not as beautiful or talented as Ros. And I'm terrified of sex, so I can't and won't be the next one to have babies. Kim's already taken that award.

I get to be the one who finally manages to self destruct. And I'm gonna make sure I self destruct in such a way that even Ros won't be able to fucking downplay it!!!!!!