First step

So I'm just trying to think of things I haven't already said.

Firstly, I made an appointment at the docs for next wednesday and mother is coming with me.

Secondly, I didn't make it to my counciling yesterday cos I almost passed out at the bus stop after a mixed panic attack/ nicotine overdose episode. But Anne called me and we talked over the phone.

Thirdly, as you guessed from 'secondly', I finally managed to get hold of some cigarettes. No one in the house knows I still smoke though so...caution is required. Probably a good thing cos it means they'll last longer.

Um...I don't think I have a fourthly.

Except that I've started a nre Black Book cos I finished the last one. Now I'm on # 10.

Double figures.

I still have no idea what I want to do at Uni or as a career. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have a normal career like everyone else because normal careers...well for one thing you kind of have to be sane. And for another, most people with normal careers can actually leave the house every day.

Maybe I'll just win that scratchcard deal...40 grand a year for life. That would be cool.

I'm not that lucky though. The person who wins that will probably be some shallow, superficial hoe who wastes it on expensive shoes and fake tans and stupid shit like that.

I know what I'd do with that kind of money. I'd sort my family out, pay off their debts, get them all sorted. When they're sorted I'd probably make an yearly allowance since it's 40 grand a year, they'd get some of it every year.

I'd take my best friend on holiday and have a huge party for the rest of my mates.

I'd join various charities and organisations like the Born Free Foundation and WWF and Greenpeace and all that. I'd join as a member and then make regular donations.

I'd be able to do multiple degrees at Uni, so I wouldn't be in such a pickle as to what to choose.

I'd get driving lessons and get a car. And I'd probably start my own world organisation thingy. Not like world order, that's not what I meant. I mean like Born Free or WWF but for all the problems of the whole world. It's something I used to plan when I was younger until everyone drummed it into me that I couldn't change the world.

See...my families view is if it doesn't work straight away, give up and have some dead end job. But when you really start giving up, like I am, they yell and moan and say do something with your life.

You can see how someone like me would get frustrated.


Anyway, I'd do all that and I'd probably get a house by the sea in the middle of nowhere and a boat and I'd travel the world too.

Oh yeah, and I have to get a camera. A digi SLR. But with that kind of money I could work from home. I could be like...a consultant or something so I could do something different every now and then cos sitting at home with nothing new gets to me. That's why I'm going crazy. I can't go out cos it scares me but I can't stay in cos it bores the sanity out of me. Conundrum.

That's splitting it three ways. Some for me, some for my family and friends and some for the world.

It's be nice to have that kind of money. I could do so much with it. I don't know how it is in other countries and I don't know if people on this site are from other countries, but here in England you get one degree that you don't have to pay everything. After that you have to be able to pay for everything. So I can only do one degree. Which means I have to try and choose out of my many interests one thing...and that thing has to be what I plan to do for the rest of my life.

I mean, maybe I could save up and do other degrees...but it would take so long to save up that you would have to have a regular job and I can't get a regular job.

So there's my dilemma. Not that I have to worry about it yet cos I still have at least three years at college before I even get to the stage of degrees and if it really is the end of the world in 2012, which I kind of actually hope it is, then I won't get to Uni anyway.

So I don't really need to worry about it.

But worrying is what I'm good at so...

There are some really cool degrees out there...forensics, oceanography, anthropology, film production...I think I listed them in an older post but the point is there's so many things to choose from.

Some people go nuts cos their options are so limited. I'm nuts cos they aren't. That's not the only reason I'm nuts of course but it's a major player.

I don't really know what else to say, I seem to have lost the rant I had in my head when I started this post so...that's it.