reply and ramble

First I'd like to reply to Yum for commenting on my last post. When I'm having a lucid I think that medication or even hospitalization would probably be a good idea...but lucid moments seem to be less frequent right now. I don't know why. I'm trying hard though. I've told my mum I'll go to the docs if she comes with me.
So...compromise.

When I'm not lucid, doctors are traitors. How do I know what the drugs they say will help me will really do? I don't know all the names and side effects and stuff...they could be lying, they could be making it worse, they could be trying to make me into one of the drones. Like 'The Invasion' with Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig.

I don't know. Anyway...I had two minor panic attacks today. One this morning when I got up and read my mums note, she asked me to go down the high street for her and get some things. Then when I was actually out.

Just thinking about going out at the moment just...totally freaks me out...and I have to go out tomorrow cos I have my counciling.

I've finished my ninth Black Book so now I have to get another one.

I find mysef zoning out more and more...constantly feeling dazed and detached.

God it's taking me ages just to write this one fucking post. What to say, what not to say...I don't know.

The last entry in my BB9 was about genius. Like wanting to be one. I think I might have mentioned this. I'm not sure, I can't remember. Find I can't actually remember a lot of things. I think my brain's rotting. Which is a shame since my brain is the non human part of me and since humanity is disgusting and I want no part of their so called civilization, that's just really sad.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a genius, a progidy, something amazing and adored. A magnificent creature of knowledge. Where people would say oh my god, it's her, she's so smart. Something...acceptable I suppose. Something special.

But I'm not. My best friend got her results back today. She was studying the International Baccealureate. She got two fives, three sixes and two or three sevens. I can't remember exactly but that's roughly Bs, As and almost A*s.

When I get my result in August, I will get one grade. Probably just managing a C. I have a C in maths and an A in english. Add my photography to that and I only have three. And that's not A levels people, which everyone else my age has just finished. No. That's fucking GCSE's. Because I'm a common teen fuck up.

It's like, she represents everything that I've done wrong in my life, she's done right. So far as I know she's never fucked up big time and me, well fuck up is all I ever do.

My whole life I've wanted to be the smartest. I mean, I was never beautiful, never athletic and I'm not stupidly talented at anything so I figured, I'd get by on my smartrs, y'know? I'd use my brain to prove I was worth something.

I found this test on the net yesterday, they were doing a what kind of thinker are you, because they've (finally) figured out that people think differently because Mozart was considered a genius yet he probably had no clue what Einstein was going on about and yet Einstein was a genius too. I'm an Existential thinker apparently. I'm like Leonardo da Vinci or the Buddha or Ghandi or Plato or Socrates of Martin Luther King (these were the other existential thinkers they gave me)...and I love most of those people.

But they were all geni. I mean...I always thought I was a geeky smart kid but...those were the kids in science and maths that got the questions right and didn't panic at even the mention of a test.

And here I am at fucking eighteen with next to know qualifications taking three gcse's cos they won't let me take a full time programme cos I can't handle it.

I'm doing GCSE's when everyone else my age is fucking off to Uni. I could fucking do a Uni course if it was something generally interesting. I mean, put me on a film course and I bet you I could do it.

But you can't be a genius for knowing a few things about film and even if you could, I'm nowhere near that level. I mean yeah I can say camera shots and angles and I know directors and actors and old films and characters and all that. I know how to write a script and I know the general lingo but...I still don't know that much. That's baby stuff.

I mean...a genius is...I don't know, Willow from Buffy,V from V for Vendetta. I mean you get all the geeks together in a room with me and I'll look like I have the same intellect as a fucking ant.

It's like, I met up with Hope and Xander in Cirencester a while ago and they were talking philosophy because that's what they did at college and I couldn't follow them.

Being stupid actually terrifies me.

Sometimes I can't even follow what adverts are saying. I get confused for no reason.

I was dead set on taking film production at Uni when I finally get there, but I love so many things I just don't know what to take. And I don't have the money to do multiple degrees. I mean...I'd love to be like Brian May. Now that man is a genius. Not only is he one of the best and most underrated guitarists in the world but he went and got a fucking PhD in Astrophysics of all things.

Ages ago I saw a trilogy of films that are absolutely great called The Librian, The Librarian; Return to Solomon's mine, and The Librarian 3, I can't remember what the tag bit is for the third one, it's something to do with the cup of Judea or something.

Anyway, the main character, The Librarian...he had loads of degrees because he liked learning so much. That's what I would do if I had the money. I would take degrees in loads of things, anthropology, oceanography, ancient history, culture, paleantology (sp), criminology, forensics, english lit., philosophy, theology, film production, archaelogoy, ancient civilizations...and tonnes more.

But in three years time when I've finished my A levels, I have to turn round and say one course to take that will be what I do for the rest of my life.

There's no 'great' for me. I'd love to get PhD's and be Dr Holbrook. But my story doesn't have a happy ending it would seem.

Some people are destined to be great. Some are destined to just be. And some, like me, are destined to rot for all eternity.

Well...here's to me...this magnificent creature of rotting fuck up failure!