I tried posting yesterday but no words came to me. After staring at the screen for a while I concluded that I should probably do something else and try and post today.

So here I am, and if you're reading this, obviously I thought of something I wanted to say.

My sister is being a totally childish immature bitch, not to mention the fact that she dobbed me in to mother for smoking. Shockingly my mum didn't even lecture me...which I was expecting, but I think she knows that I know what she thinks of smoking and for once she's not gonna repeat herself.
I know how she feels about it, I'm doing it anyway.

Why do I smoke?
Because it's less painful than cutting or burning my arm.
Because it's not as messy or expensive as trashing my room and breaking all my things.
Because it's quieter than screaming and shouting.
Because it's calmer than flat out crazy.

That is why I smoke. My uncle gave me a huge lecture about smoking and I said I liked it and he said, no you don't, nobody likes smoking. Same as my sister telling me I didn't like hurting myself.

I feel the need to clarify things in my usual raving manner. Firstly, nobody knows what I like or don't like, it is my decision whether I like something or not, not theirs and frankly it's no one else's fucking business if I self harm or smoke. They don't know a fucking thing about me.

Secondly, yes actually I do like to hurt myself. I like seeing my own blood drip down my arm and I like how burning makes me feel. I like smoking because it's literally breathing in death. It's stale and hot and it tastes foul and I love it for that.

Whether I like it or not isn't the point because whether I like it or not, I WANT to smoke. It is MY decision, no one else's.

Smoking and self harm aside, I feel the need to clarify my mental health status. Someone reading this blog would be tempted to say that I'm acting and making a fuss over it all because I want attention. Perhaps I'm one of those girls who is lazy and self indulgent and wants to be ill because then I won't have to fucking bother. Maybe I feel the need to have people constantly worrying about me and trying to help me...maybe one of the people who want people to do that just so I can have the satisfaction of shoving it back in their fucking faces.

Maybe I'm one of the people who creates a blog on the internet so that I can create a persona and lure other people in so that I can have friends on here that don't know the real me and I can tell them anything and they'll worry about me and never know if it's true or not.

I don't really care if you beleive this or not but I am none of those. I just like being able to spill my heart out.
I don't like attention. Not the kind that acting 'crazy' gets you. The only attention I like is someone actually listening to me and wanting to know what I think about something, and you can't fucking have that on the internet. I value closeness not attention.

I do not give a shit about whether someone reads this blog and cares about me. Obviously if someone actually does that's very nice, but I don't know if you mean it because I don't fucking know you and you don't know me.

As for my mental health, I don't fucking know what's wrong with me. I know there's something wrong because I'm dysfunctioning in the 'real world'. Technically that term is a load of bull since this ISN'T the 'real world' but in terms of the programme and all that, I mean the world outside our homes. The world where you have to fit into the circus show that's society.

Which is another thing that I don't give a shit about.

Society is...I can't even think of something that society is like because it is that disgusting.

Humans are bugs okay. Yeah I know, science tells us humans are mammals and all that shit, but actually, they're bugs. They're like locusts. A plague. They sweep from place to place, destroying whatever they touch. We've consumed most of the planet. Won't be long now till they try building whole facilities in the ocean. Maybe they've already done that, I don't know but the point is that they're slowly destroying this planet and they're talking about collonising either the moon or mars.
Get my locust point now? As a race, they've almost consumed the earth and then they'll move on. Watch independance day, except humans will be the aliens. Mankind isn't very different.

I think I've gone off track. What was I saying? Oh yeah, mental health.

I've got the docs tomorrow. Don't really wanna go but mum says go. I haven't the foggiest what I'm supposed to say. That I know none of this is real? That I'm suicidal? That I'm actually a guy strapped to a table in a government facility plugged into a computer programme? Yeah, cos that doesn't sound weird.

If I tell them the truth, they will say I'm crazy. Yeah, I'm fucked in the head and even more fucked up is I LIKE being fucked in the head, I like it, I don't know why, but I do. But I'm not crazy. I know that what I know is right. They'll try and convince me that this world is the real world and I'm crazy and the only cure is to say that this is the real world.

I will never say that because this isn't the world, this is fucking bullshit. I'm the one being called crazy but I'm not. Everyone else is crazy because they aren't falling to pieces and breaking down at the awful things happening.

I've been locked into this nightmare with no way out and some fucking head doctor is gonna tell me that I can just take a pill and life will be okay. I don't fucking think so.

I don't wanna go. Why can't I just lie down and die. I should have the choice to do that. I should be able to get out if I want to.

Freedom is a lie.

This world is an illusion.

I'm a fucking guinea pig!

Freedom is something life can't offer.