oh dear

I don't seem to be doing too well on the whole getting along with people thing.


It's not that I don't want to, you understand, it's just, I have a habbit of speaking my mind. I'm very oppinionated, not to the point where I don't listen to other people's views cos I'm fine with people having their own views and standing up for what they believe in and all that, it's just that...well, like I said, I speak my mind.

The problem that people don't seem to understand is that I'm not trying to be bitchy or contradict them or anything I'm just trying to help.

I wish I knew a better way to do it.

It's a big part of my religion, my morals and...me, to try to help people if I can. But every time I try to help I always make things worse.

Maybe I really am just an evil bitch.

Surely if I was a good person, I'd know how to make things better.

But I don't, I'm just fumbling around fucking everything up.

I had a theory that if I was happy with myself, I might be able to help more. So that's another reason to lose weight, if I didn't have enough reasons already.

If I was thinner, and had more confidence, I might be better equipped emotionally and spiritually and physically to help more.

But who am I kidding. No one listens to me. Why should they? I'm a complete fucking retard.

I'm so lost. I wonder if I'll ever find my path.

I feel so small and worthless.

What do I do?


Everbody thought she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her.

xx

Isn't it amazing...

... How many people are so wrapped up in their own lives that just missing one thing that they love makes them hate life.

I'm probably going to make alot of enemies through this post, if anyone actually bothers reading it. But I need to get this frustration out of me before I explode. If you do read it, at least read it all the way through before slagging me off.

It is not aimed at anyone specific, and I don't deliberately want to piss anyone off, think what you will of me, but I'm not like that.

I understand that it's very easy to get sucked into something going on in your life, and that that is all you can think about, it's on your mind all the time, eating away at you.

But for once I wish people would think about someone other than themselves!

So you missed that party. Now you hate life? Life is so ufair to you.
You really thought it would be easy?

I can't go to my sisters ENGAGEMENT party because I have to work.

But you know what? I'm not mad. I don't hate my life. Life is not a bitch.

I doubt anyone will understand my intentions of writing this post. You'll think that I'm just ripping the shit out of you who get upset over these things.
I'm not. I've been in the same position. And different circumstances, several times I've thought that life must hate me.

But I was wrong.

Life doesn't hate anyone. Life is an amazing thing and there are people out there who don't have even one of the benifits we do.

At least you HAVE parties. You HAVE education. You HAVE a house. You fucking have the internet for christs sake.

You're not starving unless it's deliberate. At least you have the choice to eat. I'm not saying this to piss off all you pro-ana girls because I'm also choosing not to eat and that is MY choice alone.
But it is making me so angry that you don't see how much you truly have to be thankful for.

Now I've seen enough to know that when you have a disorder, be it an eating disorder or not, it's very hard to care about anything but your imediate issues. Beleive me, I know that.

But don't blind yourself to what the world still has to offer.

There are wonderful things. Beautiful things in the world. Yes, there are horrible, disgusting things too.

But what do you thinks going to happen to us as a race if people don't wake up and stop being so self centred and ignorant?! And no, I wasn't calling pro-ana's self-centered and ignorant, I meant the people behind these horrible and disgusting things, like war and murder and rape and the fact that every 17 seconds a child dies due to lack of clean water.

At least we HAVE clean water. Did any of you ever stop to consider that???

Did you ever stop to consider the face that you HAVE parents??? You might hate them, but you have them.
(And if there's anyone on here who has sadly lost their parents, I apologise.)

Did you ever stop to consider that you HAVE homes, you HAVE clothes on your back, in fact you have quite a few clothes???

Do you ever stop to consider anything other than how apparently shit things are for you?!

And now people are going to do the whole, what would you know, you're just a fat privelaged kid.

I'm not. I mean, yes I'm fat, but I'm not just some privelaged kid and despite how this post must sound, I don't think I'm high and mighty. Not in the least.

There's been some tough moments in my life. Everyone has their own issues. I have mine.

But it could be so much worse.

People say there's always a reason behind people being the way they are. That there's a reason for their 'issues'.
One of the biggest things that gets in my head and tries to tear me apart is the way the world is, and that my friends is the absolute truth. I'm not just saying that. I see what's going on out there and my blood starts to boil. My chest gets all tight, my heart pounds, my head spins and I just feel so angry and upset.

Every. single. day.

Sure there are things closer to home, IN my home, in me, that chew at me too. Memories of an unfortunate childhood. I'll tell you something, it is not the nicest experience to come downstairs with your sister screaming and covered in blood because she's slit her wrists. It's not nice to have her threaten you with a knife just so she can try and kill herself again.
It's not nice to watch your mother crying because the accounts have screwed up and she's being threatened with eviction, no money, no food.
It's not nice to have a screaming match with your parents because you've gotten bullied so much you're point blank refusing to go to school. They call you freak, they call you a tramp. Say you're worthless, a fat cunt. They spit on you and kick you and throw things at you.

All my life I've been an outcast. I've never fit it with anyone. Even the group I hang out with at college are aqcuaintences. I have about...three people I consider my friends. And one of them is my own mother.

Yes, I've self harmed. Yes, I've tried to kill myself a couple of times. Yes, I've bitched about everything and everyone and hated life completely.

Sometimes I still do. Sometimes it gets to the point where I just wanna scream at everyone because I cannot understand how people can be so fucking cruel!

I'm so mad right now my stomach's twisting into knots!

How can people be so fucking stupid? Does no one see that we have to stop all this ignorant fucking bitching and actually HELP EACH OTHER!

That is the only way our so called civilisation is going to survive.

And I do mean so called. I don't think we're civilised at all. Not in the sense that the word civilised it used today. I think we're still a very fucking barbaric race.

Evolution is spiritual and humans have less spirit then a dead fucking twig!

I hate having no fucking way of actually doing something about this shit!

End of rant. You can go ahead and slag me off now if it makes you feel better.

no readers

I have no readers. I don't know why I have this blog. I've never been particalularly attractive in a social way. No matter what blog I go on, no one seems to want to read what I have to say.

And I'll tell you what, for someone who wants to help make the world a better place, that truly sucks.

Is it because everyone elsese problems are way worse than mine? You all have people telling you to eat and people round here don't really notice if I eat or not.

Is it cos when you cut yourself you cut deeper than I do?

Or is it because no matter where I go or who I talk to, I will always be the disgusting, deformed outcast. The socially inept reject. The hideous hunchback of notre damn without the happy ending.

Is it because you've all been fighting to be thin for months or years...and I come along and whine for a couple of weeks about being fat but I've never pulled off anything remotely impressive in the world of ana.

Is it cos, since I'm not technically pro-ana, then my yearnings of being thin can't possibly be as bad as yours.

Or is it because my whining isn't a scratch as interesting as everyone elses.

This isn't really aimed at anyone specific and I'm not deliberately trying to piss people off, though I have a knack for doing it anyway.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and the only way I can stop myself from eating is by writing because I'm so pathetically weak - willed.

That's the end of my rant if anyone cares.


I'm getting coffee.

xx

oh what a world what a world

There's a girl dancing in her underwear on my tv and I can see her ribs. It has to be considered beautiful, or she wouldn't have been hired to do it, so now I know they're lying when they say I'm fine the way I am.

And no, I'm not watching porn, I'm watching xXx. I like Vin Diesel, I'm writing a film at the moment where the main character is for him to play.

I have to lose the weight. I want nothing more than to act and make films. Films are my life. They always have been.

I have never known what I wanted to do with myself, because I didn't think there was anything worth doing that I could do.

People say oh I've always wanted to be a so and so. Not me. I'm almost 18 and I've only just figured out what I want to do. It's not because film hasn't been a huge part of my life since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, because it has.

It's just, there's so many things I can be now so I couldn't make up my mind. I mean, I've always wanted to act and be in films and make films because I love it, but there's also other things I love.

What I love most about the chance to act, is that you can pretend to be any other career so you never really have to make your mind up.

But the main point I'm trying to make here, is that now I've decided that I want to act, I really have to get my weight under control. No one's gonna want me to play any main roles if I literally roll!

I start work the week next week, Not this half term week, the next one.

I can feel my ribs and my collarbones but only if I push hard. I wanna be able to see them like you could see them on the stripper in xanders room in triple x when he stays with anarchy 99 boss Yogi.

People want that in a woman. Not necessarily stick thin, but slender, fragile looking but still able to kick arse, that's the kind of woman people want in lead roles now, and that's the kind of woman I have to turn myself into.

It's just so hard.

xXx

hunger

Hunger calls to me night and day
A hunger that isn't hunger
It tells me to eat and it'll be okay
Just like when I was younger

It whispers in my ear
and tells me that I'm weak
and says 'but it's okay, my dear'
puts a hand against my cheek

It tells me 'Just eat this here'
and I'll go back to being sweet
And just like years before
I can eat what I want to eat

Hunger is like a roaming beast
ready to devour
it gets harder and harder to resist
with every passing hour

It's like a darkness trying to swallow me
Just like it tells me to swallow the rice
and even though I know it's wrong
It sounds like it's just trying to be nice

I look in the mirror and shake in disgust
What's this thing that I've turned into?
When did my skin stretch so far?
What the hell am I to do?

So now I feel a wave of guilt
every time I break and eat
and I wish that I could change myself
with one single strong drum beat

the only thing that stops the madness
makes people stop and stare
the scars across my ragged skin
turn cold in winter air

and yet there's light in the darkest pit
a girl that holds me tight
a blanket of her love round me
keeps me going through the night

.................................................................

Anyho...random poem for you there.

xXx

Thoughts from a deranged dreamer #3

... Or at least I think it's #3. I really can't recall.

So...I've lost no weight. At all. I'm a big fat failure. And it's half term so I've got an even bigger epic fail! You all must know how hard it is when you're stuck in the bloody house!

And I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm trying to commit to my religion, but it's hard when all day I have shit going on inside my head that makes the worst horror movie look like the care bears cousin!

When I'm in a good mood, I believe that there must be some reason for me to be here. Let's put this in perspective for you. I've overdosed twice. Both times with my mums Tremadol. Tremadol is a step down from morphine. 500mg is enough to put a person into a coma and then death.
That's in 10 capsules. I took 30 each time, so by the laws of nature, I should be dead.
Both times, my mum got this feeling that she can't explain. The first time she had stopped checking her tablets, but for some reason she felt the need to. She noticed some were missing so she searched for them and that led to her discovering that I took them.
The second time, she saw the docs bag on her table and usually she leaves them until it's time for her to take them upstairs, but that one time she felt the need to check.
Both times something made her check, and both times I came out clear of any complications.

In my faith, that would suggest that the Lord and Lady, for some reason, are watching out for me and want me around.

The only problem is...I can't figure out WHY?

Oh...I don't know if I actually explained this, but for those who don't know, my faith is...well I'm a Pagan Hedgewitch.

That's a nature religion...you know, magic, trees, 'perfect love and perfect trust', do as you will but harm none.

I've been one since I can remember. My mum's one too, I learned from her and from books. Now don't get me wrong, I love my religion, I believe in it and it's a major part of my life...

But you know, even pagan's have 'crisis of faith' moments.

I can't understand why the world is the way it is. I have this theory, well actually not to sound bigheaded but I have loads of theories...but anyway, I have this theory that the human race are the way it is because we are the care takers of the planet.
Or at least...we're supposed to be.

Think about it, there has been no race like ours, that we know of.
There must be a reason for us to be this way, and I believe that unlike alot of humans seem to think, it's not because we're superior. We're not better than any other species. In fact, we're worse than most.

I believe it's so that we can maintain the planet, look after mother earth the way she looked after everything for millions of years.

Whether people look at her this way or not, the earth IS our mother. She gave us our lives. And how are we repaying her? We're killing her! We're killing her gifts, we're destroying her rivers and her forests, we're slaughtering her children, be it animal or man.

The human race is the biggest Epic Fail in the history of failure!

You know how in the early 1900's there was the great depression. Well, we ARE the great depression. We are mother earth's great depression and we're destroying everything.

The problem with man is that he's greedy, he's arrogant and he's selfish. That's only three words...I can think of a list that would take fucking ages to type!
Man thinks he's superior, he thinks he's better, he's stuffed up with his own importance.
He throws a tantrum if he cannot have his way.
He thinks he owns this planet and everything on it.

When will people learn that they cannot take their wealth and possessions with them when they die? When will they learn that we are children on this world and that at the moment we are being very, very disobedient?

The planet is screaming at us and we're not listening. I sometimes think that we've spent so long not listening, that it's now impossible for us to hear.

It's sighing on the wind, it's crying in the rain, it's roaring with the bears and it's dying with the forests...the forests that we're cutting down and destroying for shit we don't need!

Take a page from the native american indians books!!!

Every spirit throughout the planet is connected. We're destroying the planet, our self-destruction is chained to that. Kill the planet and we kill ourselves.
How can humanity be so fucking blind?!

If you spend long enough focusing on it, you will feel the energy that connects every single living thing.

This is sometimes referred to as 'Gaia' - The spirit of the earth.

But there's so much polution, so much industry, so much hate and plastic and death...that the spirit is dying...everything on this planet dying with it!

Just...think about it.

xXx

The title-less ones

So today is friday, and it's not actually that freaky but I couldn't think of a decent title of the post...and now I just have so I'm going to change the title but can't be arsed to delete this sentence.

So...the dance show went spendidly, nothing fucked up so that's good.

My mum gave me this whole big pep talk before I went to get my costume on, not about the dance, we'd already talked about that. No, this was about the world in general. I said something about how the world was full of arseholes and how bad outweighed the good and how if there were so many good people then why was so many bad things happening...and she said the only reason the world seems so bad is that's just how I look at it.

No, dear mother. You're wrong.

You say that because you have had it drilled into your head to accept the world how it is.

"Turn a blind eye, Evita, turn a blind eye."

People just accept it. I hate that. There's a war in afghanistan. Accept it. Some girl was murdered the other day. Accept it. There are arseholes killing animals for no reason except the sick pleasure they get out of it. Accept it.

Accept it, accept it, ACCEPT IT!

No. I can't, I won't!

It's not changing because people are just accepting it. Sure, there are certain things that I will accept. I accept that there are always going to be arseholes in the world. I accept that people have different opinions and music tastes and dress styles to me. I accept that people are bigger or smaller than me. And I don't resent any of them for these things.
I can accept them and I think that people should be more accepting of things like this.

But the more serious things, like crime and animal slaughter and war and sick bastards lavishing in riches while others starve.

Those are things that I will NEVER accept. But no one gives a shit enough to change it. And even the few people who do care...they're a minority. Because everyone else, though not necessarily bad people, just accept it.

Why do I seem to be the only one feeling terribly, horribly guilty about this.

No one else seems to have a wave of guilt when they have a plateful of food (not that I've been eating so many platefuls of food lately), knowing that somewhere there are hundreds of people starving, or when they buy a new coat knowing that there are people out there without clothes freezing their arses off.

And what do people tell me? Accept it!

Bollocks to it. If you can all have some bubble of mediocre contentment fine. But I don't. And I don't want one. It's not right.

See that alone is a reason for not eating. Not just to be thin but in response to the desire to let someone else who's never known a full meal have it instead.

The human race pisses me off so much. Humans think they've come so far in their evolution. Well they haven't. They're still fucking barbaric!

It's like sex. People are so fucking inconsiderate. I have a very strong aversion to anything to do with sex. I can't stand thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it, watching it in films, any of it. And yet the people around me, even my supposed friends who know full damn well I can't stand it, continue to force it into every little thing.
Sex jokes, this person is fucking this person, this film has a completely pointless sex scene in it, this celebrity released this sex tape.

If there was something I knew made someone uncomfortable I would deliberately avoid the subject out of common fucking courtesy. Like my mum, she doesn't like gory things, so if I'm explaining a film to her I'll leave out the gory stuff, of if she asks whether she'd like a film that I've watched and I know it has quite a lot of gore in it I'll say something like "You might like this part of it, but it does have quite a lot of blood and guts so I wouldn't advise watching it."

It like Hope. She knows I can't stand sex and stuff so when we were watching the beginning of Pulp Fiction and she said "I'll warn you and then you can look away of I'll cover your eyes." That is what's called 'consideration'.

People might wanna try it every now and again.

It's like, if I watch something that has psychological undertones, like it has self harm, or someone's a bit doolally, it's very triggering for me, and on of my supposed mates who I won't even get started on cos he's pissing me off so much lately, but he was playing things on youtube and he knows what I get with psychological stuff, and he played this song that has a small video right at the start of this guy who's deformed and he gets strapped to a chair in a mental hospital and forced to have medication and he starts screaming and getting really worked up and I was like, can you turn it off, and he was like, no the song hasn't even started. So I just went outside.

If someone asked me to turn something off, I would. Like I said, common fucking courtesy.

It's like manners. No one has any fucking manners anymore. The amount of people that have fucking walked into me and not apologised. It's not like I'm hard to miss!!!
And what gets me more is the times when you know they've seen you, they don't have any reason for not avoiding shoving into you, but they still fucking do it as if they're fucking royalty!
Bastards. It's not like manners fucking cost anything!!!

Anyway, I'm sorry for that rant. This post started as an update and turned into a full blown rant. Sorry for that.

I'll post later...or tomorrow or something.

Toodles.

xXx

In pain...

Had a tech rehearsal for the dance show tomorrow night this evening so I'm in pain. My shoulders hurt and I panicked which means I cried so I have a headache now.

Showtime tomorrow and I sooooooo do not wanna do it. Most of the other dancers are so thin wih their collar bones sticking out and their shoulder blades sticking out and I'm thinking, I wish I was that thin...but I suppose it's awesome thinspiration.

My mums coming to see it and she said even if I fall flat on my face she'll sill be proud of me. That's good, and she's sweet for it, but I just don't wanna fuck up.

Oh well, there you go, that's what you get when you do dance gcse.

Anyways, I'll post afterwards to tell you how it went.

In other news...haven't eaten so that's going good.














Blargh...


See you later.

xXx

fantastic new job????

Okay, you know that phrase nothing's supposed to be perfect?

Well, my perfect new job - I found out that the girl who used to bully the shit out of me at school for most of my life could very well be who I have to work with. Joy.

So my fantastic new job is not so fantastic. Still, it's a job, and I need the money, besides, it takes up a couple of hours in the evenings. That's a couple of hours that I WON'T be eating! More's the better.

Urgh. She better not start with me. I won't let her ruin this like she and so many others ruined my school life. It's just not fair. Can't I ever get away from the arseholes who seem to want to do everything in their power to screw me over!

God, I wish I could disappear. It'd be so much easier if I could just fade away. Waste away. I wanna waste away ... to beautiful nothingness.

xx

Replies and whatnot

Okay I always arrive ridiculously early for college because of buses and how far away I live so I'm on the college library comp but hey.

Uh, first off some replies to the comments posted on my previous post.

Isabelly - It wasn't so much you dear, it was the replies. I didn't mean it to come out that pissed off and if I upset you than I am very sorry. Each to their own and everything, it's just that I get very touchy about that kind of thing, purely for the fact that having a suicidal mother and sister and various points in my life, it annoys me when people assume (and this isn't pointing a finger at you deary, I'm just explaining, so don't think i'm suggesting you did this cos you didn't), that it's just goths and emos that do it or vice versa.

Secondly, I guess I knew that everyone hear considers themselves fat in their own minds, I guess it was rather stupid of me to make that comment. It's just, everyone seems a hell of a lot thinner than me.

And to Dying2bethin14 - She's not my actual girlfriend because she's not sure whether she wants a girl/girl relationship, but I hope someday soon she will be.
I'm not a lesbian, I'm bi.
And don't apologise. I have no problem answering such questions as I'd rather people ask and understand then assume and get it wrong, so thank you.

So that's replies done. To avoid finger cramps in any future posts I may very well write PGF, just for clarification, this stands for Potential Girl Friend.

I'm going round hers on Thursday cos it's her birthday. She's going to glasgow with her friend from college so he can see his boyfriend. I'll miss her so much.

I wouldn't rush her for the world but I wish I could state whether or not she was my girlfriend, like if someone asks, I could say yes I have a girlfriend or no I don't, you know?
Right now I'm sort of saying, well, I might but I'm not sure.

Which makes it sound like I'm making it up just so I don't look like a retard who's never gonna have a bf or gf.

College is great thinspo, but I half hate it. I think I mentioned that in my last post. There's this girl I see in the corridors sometimes, she's quite tall and so, so, so, so thin. She walks with a crutch, dunno if that's cos she's so thin or for something else but she's beautifully thin...so I have someone to aspire to. being as thin as her.

Anyways, gotta go due to being at college, but I'll probably be posting again later cos at least when I'm posting, I'm not eating.

Toodles

xXx

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

Zippidy doo-dah, zippidy day
My oh my...what a not-so-wonderful day.

Ok. So I had an argument with my mum the other day about not eating, except it wasn't like a hugely bad argument becuase it was said in like a jokingly way but she was trying to tell me why not eating didn't work and I was trying to tell her why it did. I think both of us just heard 'blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda' from each other.

I'm too scared to get on the scales. I know I probably weight more than I did when I started this blog. So I'm still FAT FAT FAT.

The ohorrible and painful difference between me and the other girls on this blog writing about their hatred of food and eating, is that they are slim already. They just want to be thinner.

Whereas I am huge. Gigantic. Enormous. Horribly fat and flabby and every time I walk I can feel myself wobbling. It's horrible.

I make myself feel sick, I really do.

I don't want to eat. I want to be thin.

But I don't want to upset my mum or my potential girlfriend or my god/goddess. Cos technically not eating to get skinny is a type of self harm if you think about it, and in my religion I'm not supposed to hurt myself or others.

On the other hand, surely my god/goddess will understand. My potential girlfriend already does because I've talked to her about it. And as for my mum. She understands, I know she does because she's done it before. But she just wants me to be healthy.

I know when she argues with me that she's just trying to help because I know she loves me, though I'm not sure why. But it still bugs me sometimes.

I wish everyone would just let me get on with it. I'm never going to be completely happy, and I'm never going to be even relatively happy if I don't get thin.

I've got a job, I've got goals, I've got the love of the person I most want love from, I have the love of my mother and even though inside my head is still armageddon, things outside my head are going ok-ish. So the only thing left that I can do anything about at the moment is my weight.

I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin.

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I could just get to my goal weight, then I'd be ok. I'd start eating again. I just want to get thin enough to be able to start again.

I want to be an actress and a film director. Who wants a main character to be fat and flabby.
Unless someone wants to make a film entitled Fat Piggy.

I don't think it'd sell very well.

No, I have to lose weight. I dance for nearly three hours a week because of my dance class. I start work on the 2nd of November and will be walking to and from Prior Park, that's about...barely a five minute walk from my house.

I'm going to get some skates with my wages, and me and my mum, we're going to get bikes and camping gear and start going camping ^_^ I love camping.

Although, not quite sure how I'd get out of eating. But I supopse I could have a little break when we go camping and then fast when we get back.

I have a dance show on thusday :( I'm the second largest girl in my class. I mean sure, it's fucking fantastic thinspo, seeing all these girls with their collar bones jutting out and flat stomachs. But it makes me feel like shit.

I guess I better go face the horror of the scales. Find out how much I weigh. That alone will be great thinspo. Reverse thinspo.

xxx

update

haven't written for a while.

Feel like shit, I've eaten so much lately. I have a dance show this thursday and I'm just gonna fail miserably.

I've gotta find things to distract me from food. And I know the perfect thing. I'll simply get on with my stories and scripts. I've gone days at a time without leaving the computer before apart from pee breaks and sleep when I've been wrapped up in one of my stories so that's what I'll do. That and collegework of course.

I just can't give up.

I'll never be an acress if I don't lose weight. :(