Zippidy doo-dah, zippidy day
My oh my...what a not-so-wonderful day.
Ok. So I had an argument with my mum the other day about not eating, except it wasn't like a hugely bad argument becuase it was said in like a jokingly way but she was trying to tell me why not eating didn't work and I was trying to tell her why it did. I think both of us just heard 'blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda' from each other.
I'm too scared to get on the scales. I know I probably weight more than I did when I started this blog. So I'm still FAT FAT FAT.
The ohorrible and painful difference between me and the other girls on this blog writing about their hatred of food and eating, is that they are slim already. They just want to be thinner.
Whereas I am huge. Gigantic. Enormous. Horribly fat and flabby and every time I walk I can feel myself wobbling. It's horrible.
I make myself feel sick, I really do.
I don't want to eat. I want to be thin.
But I don't want to upset my mum or my potential girlfriend or my god/goddess. Cos technically not eating to get skinny is a type of self harm if you think about it, and in my religion I'm not supposed to hurt myself or others.
On the other hand, surely my god/goddess will understand. My potential girlfriend already does because I've talked to her about it. And as for my mum. She understands, I know she does because she's done it before. But she just wants me to be healthy.
I know when she argues with me that she's just trying to help because I know she loves me, though I'm not sure why. But it still bugs me sometimes.
I wish everyone would just let me get on with it. I'm never going to be completely happy, and I'm never going to be even relatively happy if I don't get thin.
I've got a job, I've got goals, I've got the love of the person I most want love from, I have the love of my mother and even though inside my head is still armageddon, things outside my head are going ok-ish. So the only thing left that I can do anything about at the moment is my weight.
I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin. I must get thin.
NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I could just get to my goal weight, then I'd be ok. I'd start eating again. I just want to get thin enough to be able to start again.
I want to be an actress and a film director. Who wants a main character to be fat and flabby.
Unless someone wants to make a film entitled Fat Piggy.
I don't think it'd sell very well.
No, I have to lose weight. I dance for nearly three hours a week because of my dance class. I start work on the 2nd of November and will be walking to and from Prior Park, that's about...barely a five minute walk from my house.
I'm going to get some skates with my wages, and me and my mum, we're going to get bikes and camping gear and start going camping ^_^ I love camping.
Although, not quite sure how I'd get out of eating. But I supopse I could have a little break when we go camping and then fast when we get back.
I have a dance show on thusday :( I'm the second largest girl in my class. I mean sure, it's fucking fantastic thinspo, seeing all these girls with their collar bones jutting out and flat stomachs. But it makes me feel like shit.
I guess I better go face the horror of the scales. Find out how much I weigh. That alone will be great thinspo. Reverse thinspo.
xxx
Dearest, most beloved Maggot. 'Tis Isabelly-Cinderelly here.
ReplyDeleteI assure you, I meant NO offence when I said that I was not Goth, or Emo (which is the term which seemed to upset you).
Shall I clarify? Well, wasn't that a stupid question. Stupidstupidstupid. Of COURSE I should clarify.
The goth and emo statement, while in poor, excluding taste, was simply referring to the fact that Doc Martens are, most frequently, owned by goths and emos. That's it. Some of the most beautiful/talented/creative/artistic/inspiring people I know are people who express their emotions via their attire.
Besides, you see, I already understood the meaning of "emo", one of my friends (ok, so it's a stretch to call her a FRIEND, but you get it) calls herself an emo. However, she wears the most beautiful eye makeup (every colour and pattern you can imagine) and sews the most beautiful red, orange, blue, green, purple, pink, grey, violet, cream dresses, jumpsuits and just clothes in general.
You see? I actually don't remember suggesting that Emos and Goths were the paragon of depression and blueness, but if I did, I promise you most definitely (cross my heart, hope to die, stick needle in eye) that I will never, ever, ever forget this.
And probably will never stereotype Doc Martens in such a way again.
Much love, in a most platonic way, I assure you.
Sincerely, Isabelly-Cinderelly-Botticelli ;);) au revoir, bon voyage, bonne nuit. bueno notte
And now a comment for your actual post.
ReplyDeleteUp there, somewhere, you said something about other girls here being slim already, and just wanting to be thinner. But, if you think about it, if they were thin in their own eyes, then they wouldn't be here. Every single one of us here perceives ourselves as needing to lose weight, yet, most of us probably don't.
Because an eating disorder makes us act as such. Really, we just have very, very, very confused brains. And don't really know how to fix them.
See, me? I've had an eating disorder, for about eight years, now. Since I was.. wow, eight. But, well, I never noticed because I swam for an hour and a half every day, so that amount of food isn't so obvious. But once I stopped exercising (and my buff manly shoulders went down, thank god) eating that amount of food each day pretty much classifies one as having Binge Eating Disorder.
It's surprising, is it not?
Camping is totally the shit. Absolutely so much fun. Impossible to lose weight there, though. But hey, prove me wrong!
And I want skates. :)
They are also the shit.
I actually just love saying things are the shit at the moment.
Maggot, you're the SHIT. SHITSHITSHIT! ;) loveya.
i am a little bit confused....your girlfriend? so are you like..a lesbian then? sorry, im just not following you.
ReplyDelete