first day

So, had my first day at work yesterday. It went well. I think I can manage it okay.

God, I've eaten like a horse today because I've been home. I don't have any lessons on a tuesday see, so I stayed home to catch up on some of my college work...and I watched a bit of tv, and I ate.

Dunno why I find it so difficult.

Loads of people manage it. Is it really so much to ask for to be thin? I guess for someone like me, it is.

So I'll just try harder. The only reason people don't achieve their goals is if they don't try hard enough. With the exception of flying. I don't think anyone, no matter how hard they try, can fly...unless they get on a plane.

So I'll try harder. I'll try so hard, even if it kills me. Let me get one thing straight. I don't wanna be annorexic. I don't want everyone to be all 'oh you're so thin'. I just want to be able to look in a mirror or try on clothes without crying.

And if not eating is how I get it done, fine.

It's not even the thinness as such. It's just...Either I turn myself into someone not me...or I waste away. Maybe if I wasn't ME...I could just make things better, and be better. What I wouldn't give to just forget certain things, to go back to being an innocent little kid, with no knowledge of fucking mind screw ups and how stupid and cruel and ignorant the human race can be.
And if I can't I'm going to find somewhere where I can be by myself, where there's no one to throw things at me, no one to stab me in the back, no war, no starving, nothing.

Failing all that, well...there are certain ways of escaping the things that haunt you.

My mum told me there are angels among us, helping us, guiding us.

Well there's the opposite to. Can't have one without the other. And I think I'm one. I'm the fucking demon child who's cursed to burn here until I pay for what I've done, what humanites done. I'm that single grain of rice that's tipping the scale, the little bit too much evil that's corrupting the entire energy of this planet.

So I either change, or leave.

Which I accomplish in the end, I haven't got a fucking clue.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.