Internet Dysfuntionality

My internet at home isn't working so I have to use the college computer. This sucks cos it's in the library so you don't have any privacy.
I should be in Photography right now but I'm not in the mood to be squished in a class full of people and even worse, I left my black book at home so I have to rant in a normal pad of paper.

My good mood has evaporated like those salt water experiments you do at school and all that's left is the bitter salt.

My mum thinks if she keeps making me go to college that I'll get over my hatred and fear of people and it won't effect me so much. But her plan is flawed considering this is my third year at college and I still hate it.

I still wanna just stay home and write but she won't let me. Guess she doesn't have as much faith in my stories as she pretends she has.

Good thing about it being thursday is that I don't have work tonight. I like work and everything but you have to be all smiley and I hate having to smile when I'm in a bad mood.

An acquaintence at college was chatting to me today, and we were talking about food and eating and stuff, and she was saying how she never used to eat and was like a size 6. Her collar bones still stick out. It's awesome. I'd love it if my collar bones stuck out like that.

It's not fair.

And there's this girl that's one of Immy's friends (Immy's nice enough to let me stay round her house so I can go to Winter Solstice at Avebury in December), who's a Wiccan, and it's like 'look at her, that's how wiccan's are supposed to be, all light and helpful and nice'.

And then there's me. The demon child of white horse road!

It's not like I'm cruel.

You know, I was thinking last night, that it's ridiculous for me to waste my time in education that I will never use to get onto a Uni course I will most likely fail so that I can get into a position to actually help people. Because there's plenty of people right now who need help and I can't do fuck all about it because I'm this fucking crappy little student at college with no influence in politics and no way of doing anything.

It's now that people are supposed to be helping. In fact, it was years ago. By the time I'm old enough and in a position to actually do anything, it'll be too late.

Which means I've already failed...like the rest of the stinking human race!

Which as you can imagine does little to repair my confidence.

Besides, it's not like anyone listens to me anyway.

And I know, all this fucking self centred whining is probably doint people's heads in.

Well that's my blog. Whining, ranting and raving in generally stupid fashion.

Got a malborough house appointment coming up. Joy. They think I'm making it up.
In fact, they probably think the same as anonymous did. That it's all attention seeking.
Fine, I don't really give a shit if that's what people wanna think.

Aren't we all so glad to be alive!!!!!

I hope anyone reading this took note of the sarcasm!

So frustrating. It's a nightmare. Like one of them dreams where you're trying to scream but no sound's coming out.

Or you're trying to run away and you're not getting anywhere.

Creepy. So perhaps I should leave the world to self-destruction. Leave them all to their fucking superficial, shallow discussions.
They HAVE enough food to get fat.
They HAVE enough clothes to bitch about each others' fashion sense.
The don't have to give a shit. It's not their problem, is it.

As long as they have their phones and their cars and their money. It's not enough to just give money to some charity every month. I wanna get out there and do it myself. I wanna physically go to Africa or wherever and personally hand food over to them starving families or go cut an elephant out of a poachers trap. Not pay someone a couple of quid a month to go do it.
I wanna do these things myself. And I can't cos I'm not old enough and I don't have enough money.

Which is why I wanted to be a film director and actor. Cos it's doing something I love to do something even better.

But it's all fucking people. But if I write, I won't make enough money to be able to do it.

I mean, JK Rowling got lucky. My books are never gonna get that! Still, it's what I want. I want to write. That's what I wanna do.

But mum won't let me. She wants me to go off to Uni and be a big star. Even if I went to Uni I wouldn't be a big star. Certainly not acting. People want beautiful people in their films. I'm not deluded, I know I ain't good lookin' and it's a fucking insult to my intelligence to try and tell me otherwise.

And I'm not assertive or decisive enough, or sociable enough, to be a film director. The first minute we run into trouble, which happens on every film, I'll panic and fuck it all up.

The only thing I have a chance at is writing. But mum refuses to see that because she wants at least one of us to make it big.

Since I'm the last child, the pressures on. People wanted me to be the one to finish school properly and I didn't.

Now they want me to go to Uni. Well Giz is at Uni. Let her be the one to make it big. Why can't I just be the one to stay home and look after things and just...why can't they let me be?

I want to write. That's all I wanna do.

Maybe if I fail these GCSE's mum will finally get it. I know I'm going to fail them. It's just something I know. My emotions get in the way, I skip lessons, I fail. Simple as. It's not exactly fucking rocket science and you don't need to be a fucking genius to see that I will NEVER, EVER function well in Social Situations so why can't I just work my arse off at getting published.
I mean, I have a part time job, so I have a little income to support myself while I'm writing.

People push me and push me to get social and deal with it all. It's happened before, twice. And both times, I've ended up snapping and doing something stupid.
It's gonna keep happening every time they push me cos I can't handle fucking...people.

I just can't, whether they like it or not. I hate to disappoint everyone but that's just the way I am.

I guess all I can do is try and persuade my mum that the best thing for me is to try and get somewhere writing.

I'm not acting impulsively.

She thinks I keep acting impulsively when I drop courses and the like and I always regret.

It's not regretting the loss of education I regret. The thing I regret is not being able to be sociable and nice and happy around people.
I wish she'd fucking get that into her head.

Well enough ranting, I'm gonna go off and do something productive with this waste of a day where I could be at home writing but instead I'm skipping lessons in the fucking library!

xXx