New found conviction

Before I can explain what I'm feeling at the moment, let me just type up a part of my journal. I always keep a journal that I call my 'black book'. Ironically I'm on my seventh and only one of them has ever actually been black.
Anyway, my Black Book is where I rant and rave to get it out of me. I take it everywhere. I learnt that trick from the film Girl, Interrupted.
I've always been very emotional and I couldn't seem to find a way through it, even when I was very little. But I sat and watched that when I was about...11 or 12. I finished watching it and I thought, right, I'm gonna start a journal. So I did, and I've had one ever since. I only have 3 of my old ones. I burned the rest, though I must admist, I regret it now. I miss them in a funny kind of way. But anyway, I'm getting off the point.

Now I'll type a few pages of my current Black Book.

~-~ (I always do these symbols at the beginning of a new entry)

Urgh. Where to start. It's been a bad couple of days. Nothing particularly bad has happened, but I've just been feeling extremely bad.
I don't wanna come to college anymore but mum won't let me drop out cos she thinks I'll regret it which I might but this is the tird time I've tried coming to college and ended up hating it. It just happened much faster than usual this time.

I hate going out, I don't want to keep coming out.
And I hate people. I hate being around people. None of that is ever going to change no matter how many times I come here.

I know mum's just trying to do the best for me and wants me to do well and I love her and don't wanna disappoint her, but...everytime I go out I end up feeling shit.

And all this self-fucking pity isn't doing me any good but still...I wish I could stay home and write stories. That way, I won't have to go out every singly day except for work.

I can spend the day writing rather than coming out and slowly coming undone again.

But then...mum wants me to go to University, become a great film-maker and a big part of me wants that to...

But I don't function well in society and the film business is very social and pressurized.

However, if I stay home and write, it'll be tonnes better...but then when I'm stuck on a story I'll get bored again.
And if I just stayed home to write, no one would be very proud of me.

Mum thinks I'm doing well cos I'm getting out and donig things and I've got a job and everything,

If I stop now, she'll be disappointed.

But I'm so tired and I think my headaches are coming back.
I'm certainly developing one now.

I'm meeting mum in Cafe Nero so I'll have to be all smiley and happy for her and it's so...tiring.
I'm just so tired all the time.

How can I tell her everything and go to her for help when it upsets her.

Besides she has enough on her plate with Ros and work without worrying about me as well.

Ros is doing well. Not smoking. She's got a trip to Venice coming up in February. But Student Loan's been fucking her about ando not smoking, she's very stressed out right now.

Dads as bipolar as ever.
One minute he's all smiles, next minute he's arguing with everything and everyone.

There's so much I would like to scream at him but he never listens.

But then...there's alot I'd like to do...but I don't know how to do any of it.

I just know that mum has to keep thinking I'm better cos she's got enough to worry about. She's been through enough already.

But how can I decide what to do without letting on that I'm still screwed up and unsure?

I could just try again. But what would that do to mum? I don't like the idea of leaving her behind. But even if I went to Uni, tried to make something of myself...I'd be leaving her behind.

Why is everything so complicated?

I know that 's such a cliched question...but it's true, nothing's simple anymore.
Nothings been simple for a long time.

Come to think of it, nothing was ever simple, but you don't always see it as a child.
And maybe I'm just a child for wishing I could go back to not knowing.

But anything I choose...I'm alone. Mum can't hold me hand forever.

Maybe that's what I really want.
That hand to hold when I'm scared.

But it doesn't work that way, does it?

I'd give anything to be special, to be something so great and kind and generous and helpful that people would say "wow, she must be an angel"

But I'm not good enough to be an angel.
Besides...me wanting that clearly shows I'm just a selfish cow.

After all, daddy said nobody does something selflessly...completely for someone else without thought of personal gain.

I'm not good enough to just help other people. I'm only thinking of myself. SELFISH.

Maybe I really am EVIL.

But I don't wanna be. I want to be a good person, a selfless person.
There must be a way for me to help...to make the world a better place...After all, everyone has a purpose right? What greater purpose is there than that?

Then again, I don't know for sure what my purpose is. Maybe the reason why I keep failing is because that's not my purpose...Maybe I'm not good enough for that task. MAybe if I try...I'd get in the way of whoever's really supposed to do it. Maybe I'd just make things worse.

I couldn't bear it if I did.

After all, Hitler started out with good intentions and look what happened there!!! The majority of people think he's completely evil.
I don't think that's true, I think he just went mad.

What if I end up going mad? What if I am already?

People seem to avoid me...maybe that's why. Do you know if you're mad?

God, what am I supposed to do? How do I know if I'm doing the right thing?

Why is it so hard?

Well, you didn't expect it to be EASY did you?

Just think about that bit in Pocahontas. Grandmother Willow puts her vine in the water and the ripples spread.
"Look how they grow, but someone has to start them."

But I can't do it, can I?
People who do stuff like that are people with great hearts and minds like Mother Theresa.
HOw could I possibly be like that?

I quit everythng, I have a foul temper, I'm selfish, I have an ugly soul as well as an ugly body, I'm huge and I'm about as useful as trying to delicately carve clay with a brick.

Oh yeah, and the minor little detail that there's the STRONG possibility that I'm an EVIL DEMON CHILD WHO DESTROYS EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES!!!

I was fucking up before I was even born, what the fuck can I do? Besides...no one listens to me.

~-~

I've cheered up a bit so I'm in an alright mood right now.

I managed to keep a happy face for mummy. Nanna Chris bought me a gorgeous T-rex teddy that I've dubbed Rexy, as an early b-day pressie.

I'm still so unsure what to do.
Surely I would be an even worse person if I didn't at least try to make a differnce to the world.

I wish I could make it from the safety of my room but I know it won't be that easy.
The problem is that every time I make up my mind that I've got to try and help the world, all these doubts and fears rise to the surface.
They start screaming through my head and make me even more miserable.

But even if it isn't my purpose in life, surely it's my duty and responsibility as both a pagan and a human being.

Much as it upsets me, I am a part of the human race and that means I have a responsibility to practice what I preach, no matter how difficult or frustrating it may be.

Though I know this new-found determintation and conviction won't last long (it never does), I know that I've got to at least try.

If I don't, a hypocrite is the nicest thing I'd be!

"I don't know what I can do,
Still I know I've got to try
Eagle help my feet to fly
Mountain help my heart be great"
- Pocahontas.

If I can make it as a director and actress and writer, if I can get even a small amount of fame and fortune, I could show the rest of the world what can be done with it.

Uncle Spot told me once that money changes you no matter what your intentions may be.

What if I get corrupted by that power like so many others?

I can't let that happen. I won't.

But people listen to those with celebrity status and wealth.

But if I got to that point and started to show people that things have to change, would they just laugh at me?

Kick the ladder of fame out from under me?

So many things could go wrong. But then again, maybe I should think more like Mestraal from 'Angel' by Cliff McNish.
He told Freya that you can't just choose the easy road just cos another one might get painful.

I feel like someone up there is trying to tell me something that seems like it should be obvious but I'm still not getting it.

That I should grit my teeth and try and do all I can for the world?

Or is that pompous and arrogant of me to think that I could undertake such an important task?

Still, mum says it's not my job, that I can't help everyone.
Maybe that's exactly what I need to try and do. Maybe if people see a single person trying to help many, it'll spur them to help too.

But how can anyone ever look up to you?
You'll probably fall flat on your face as always.

You know, I think the voice in my head that tells me to quit and give up is just saying that cos it's a coward!
Maybe the girl cringing in the corner of my mind ain't me. Maybe it's actually the voice telling me to stop trying. Maybe she's just scared of failing.
It hurts so much to fail.
But that's what giving up is, isn't it? It's just another way of failing.

Every time I fall into my little black hole, it gets deeper and faster to fall.
It's like a knife geting closer to the center of my heart.

And each time it's harder to stop.

What am I supposed to do against a force more powerful than me? How am I supposed to battle my demons and the worlds?

I don't know, but if I don't try, I'm gonna die.
I know that as clearly as I know this pen has black ink!

It just seems like I think so much differently from everyone else.


So that was from my black book. I know, a little rambly huh? I do have a habit of babbling my way through my troubles lol.

So anyway, to reiterate. I have this new found sense of determination and conviction that if I'm staying in the world, I'm going to do every damn thing I can to help it.

I'm going to open a savings account and put money in there every pay day. Then, when I'm older and have saved up loads, I'm gonna build a great organisation to help every single person, creature and flora on this planet. To help the planet itself. I mean after all, the Earth is our ultimate mother.
It just seems polite that we give something back to her, that's all.

While I was typing out this post, I realised something. I figured out exactly why I started this blog. I remembered something my mum said. I wrote this book called World through the eyes of the weirdo kid. And I haven't been able to get it published, seems they only want to publish famous people's ideas. So anyway, I was read it to my mum and she said, why don't you start a blog? And I said, okay, I will. Maybe then people will start paying attention. (And in reference to a comment a few posts back, no not attention to me!) Attention to the dire straights this planet is in.
I mean, look around. We're treating this planet appaulingly. We just take take take, and we're giving almost nothing back. As my mother repeatedly tells me, there are some people trying to help, organistations like WWF, Born Free Foundation, RSPCC, Oxfam etc.

But my point is that it's a minority. People still don't care. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make people care!

I just don't know how. But we've got to do something. Theoretically this world should last way past the extinction of the human race. But thanks to our self-centred ways, when the human race does come to an end, we'll be taking the world with us.

Well...not if I can help it!!!

I want this blog to someday reach millions, to show people why they must act.

And as for my eating? Well, I have been eating. In fact I don't want to think about how much I ate at my sisters engagement party, which I managed to get to. I find that it's actually easier for me not to over eat when I'm not constantly worrying about what I eat. I hope that makes sense.
But I hope that my followers won't dismiss me just because I'm eating normally again. I don't think they will though. I was never Pro-ana in the first place. And no, I'm not going to go post on all your blogs that you should eat properly or that you're sick. Most of you know that you're not well, and I know it's not something you can just stop. I just hope that one day in the not too distant future you see that even if you have a bit of meat on your bones, you're still beautiful.

You know, this might sound cheesy, but Beauty is my favourite word in the whole wide world. You know why? Because no matter where you are, or who you're with, whether you hate someone or love someone. If you look hard enough, you can see beauty in everything.

And that seems a good place to leave it for today.

Hope anyone reading this has stuff to think about and if not, well, I'm not going to stop trying.

Stay strong everybody.
xXx