I changed the text colour back to red for Dying2bthin, cos it hurt her eyes.
Sorry honey, I just thought that the red on black might have got a bit boring.
Might change it to black on red, what do you think??
Okay, so anways, I am currently 148 lbs. During the last few months since I started this blog, that didn't really mean much to me since it kept going up and down and up and down. But I'm excited this time because it's STAYED at 148 lbs.
This is a good sign for me. I haven't weighed under 150 for a very long time, and what's more, the other week, my mum showed me a picture of me from like a year or two ago compared to a picture or me when I first got my work uniform.
Now back when the other picture was taken, I was 163 lbs. So now can people see why being 148 lbs is such a huge thing for me? I mean, I know I have a LONG way to go, but it's still amazing for me.
Mum says that we're going to start playing badminton again after Christmas, which is fantastic because I love badminton and it's really physical when you get a good game on.
Also, I'm going to look into learning Tae Kwon Do. I have wanted to learn a martial arts since I was knee high to a grasshopper, I want to learn Kung Fu, but I don't think there's any close to where I live...actually, I've just had a thought. College sometimes do part time Kung Fu lessons. I might be able to do Kung Fu after all :D
So if I do both of them and I keep working my way down to eating less, I should lose some more weight.
I was talking about it with my mum. Not the not eating bit, just the wanting to lose weight bit and you know how usually when people are talking about it they say something like 'being thin won't solve all your troubles'. Well mum actually AGREED with me that being thin would solve most of mine because most of my issues are because I'm fat.
She said that I would probably be really confident if I were thinner. I'm like, one of the least confident people on the planet. But she says that I actually AM confident, because I have the guts to go out gothed up to the nines by myself. So if I were thinner, I would be my true confident self rather than this timid and shy little coward. Not the words she used but the words I would DEFINITELY use.
So yeah, I know that to attain any happiness in this world, I MUST GET THIN!
I actually know what I'm doing, and when I've gotten thin enough then I'll stop being supposedly 'obsessed', and I'll eat healthily. I just have to get to that point where I'm thin enough to start again.
I wanna try and lose as much weight as I can by next summer cos of going on a long weekend trip to Bournemouth.
Oh, and people say in the slimming magazines that it's a good idea to have a piece of clothing you want to be able to fit into. Well I have one. I have this quarterlength black denim coat with D rings down the back that makes me look horribly bulgy, but if I can lose weight, I can wear it and it'll look good I think.
So, I have my target weights. I have one deadline. I have a piece of clothing to inspire me. I have a plan of action.
I'm all set ^_^
So, I'll keep people posted. You know, I just can't wait until I can look in a full length mirror and be happy with what I see. That must be such an awesome feeling.
xXx
oh now i feel bad, i wasnt trying to be annoying, i just really wanted to read your post and it was hard hahaa.
ReplyDeleteand good job on getting all squared away, you can do it!
good luck!
<3
elle
Hi. I just finished reading your blog in its entirety.
ReplyDeleteYou remind me so much of myself when I was younger. I had so much anger and so much fear. I was horribly shy and had no confidence in my own abilities. I hated the world and everyone in it, including myself.
I'm not saying that I have completely turned around now. But things -have- changed. Things I thought would always be a part of my life, are now simply parts of my past that I have learned from.
There are three specific events in my life that I contribute the majority of these changes to. The first was transferring to another school in the ninth grade. New people meant a clean slate and I made friends that I actually still have contact with today. New teachers meant new challenges and fresh eyes on my academic abilities. I was the best in class at almost every subject. I still skipped school a lot and things were not great, but cnsider that decision to be one of the best I've ever made.
Another was moving away from home. I had a terrible relationship with my parents prior to moving, but when I did, something changed. I know you have a pretty awesome relationship with your mum, and that makes me so happy. She sounds like an amazing person. But moving changed so many things. The fact that I had to take care of a household by myself, keep a budget, make sure I got to school on my own, etc. forced me to take responsibility for my own life. It gave, and still gives, me so much pride to be able to invite my parents for dinner in a clean house and show them that I had grown up. It was fucking scary as well, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
The most recent event that made me change my outlook on life lies about two years back. I started working for a human rights organization. I lied so hard at the job interview - in reality I didn't give a shit about people who were worse off than me. Two weeks later I signed myself as a member and have been ever since. I'm a member of nine different NGO's with humanitarian purposes now. Working there made me realize that it is important to help people, and that it is in fact a privilege to be able to help instead of being the one who needs it.
Another truly wonderful thing about working where I did was the people. Everyone was different and had a multitude of different opinions on politics, life, etc. But we had a common ground - the desire to do good, however that was perceived by each individual in the group. And these people were the most loving and caring bunch I had ever met. I made some of the best friends I have there.
I'm turning 22 next month. I don't cut myself anymore and I don't cry every day. I still feel like shit a lot of the time, but it's not all the time anymore. What I've realized the last couple of years is that you have to seek out happiness. It's bloody hard to find and I'm still looking, but sometimes I glimpse it and that makes everything worth while.
I'm really glad you're in therapy. I hope it gives you something. I hope you're able to be honest in your sessions. It took me a long time to be.
I'm not trying to sound all old and wise. I hope you don't think that's what this comment is about. I just needed to tell you that sometimes things got better for me, because I hope so much that things will get better for you too.
B.