As days go by

Days blur into one long event when I don't have anything to do.

I apologise for how ridiculously long my last post was. Sketchy lol.

I cleaned the kitchen, cleaned my room and did some washing today. For a total slob that is like...huge. So I'm pretty pleased with myself for that.

So far today I've had a bowl of lettuce and cucumber and a banana. I had a little too much yesterday so I'm gonna try and not eat anything else today.
Dropped a lb.

I'm such a disgusting weight at the moment I'm not even going to tell you. When I've lost half a stone or something, then I might tell you, but not yet.

It's disgusting, honestly.

Fat Piggy.

I keep thinking 'what if I stay fat forever?' 'What if I die fat?'...I don't wanna be fat forever and I definitely don't wanna die fat.

This is like...urgent. I HAVE to lose all this weight. I used to be able to feel my hip bones when I lie down, now I can't even do that. I can't feel any of my bones. All I can feel is flab...FAT. It's so disgusting. Makes me wanna puke.

I have a ridiculously strong stomach though which is probably a good thing cos I swear to god if I was really like...squeamish or whatever, I would probably be puking every single fucking day, that's how disgustingly fat I am.

I'm on thin ice at the moment. I know that if something goes wrong now, I'm not gonna be able to take it.

It's like I'm balancing on the edge of the precipice (sp?) - the slightest breeze and I'll fall.

It's not that important though, the way things stand inside, I might just fucking jump.

I know there'll be people who read this and say oh for fuck sake just do it already.

Don't waste your breath.

If I had enough pills, I'd be taking them.

This is what we call 'biding time'.

I don't wanna be fat when I die, so I'm going to bide my time until I'm thin and then I'll think about it. If I try figuring that out at the same time as everything else, I'll just draw a big blank.

There's only so much moping you can do before you run out of things to say though so...I'll be off until I have something to type about.