I think I understand now

There's something wrong with me. I don't mean illness or disorder or any of that shit. I mean me. I mean that I am wrong. Perhaps I should say there's something wrong about me rather than with me.

It's the only explanation. Surely if there was something wrong with me than they'd have noticed by now. So I'm just wrong.

People don't like to be around me. I'm not a very fun person to be around. I don't have many friends. I mean...I don't really have any. I guess Hope's my friend...she's my best friend...but I don't think she really likes me that much. I'm not a likeable person.

I have people at college but...I'm not really their friend. I'm more the person they can hang with when there's no one else.

My own parents can't stand to be around me. I wonder whether they're actually my parents. I've always wondered it but now it's more than just wondering whether I was adopted.
It's that mother somehow gave birth to this monster by mistake.

There's something about me that nobody likes...it makes people wanna leave me, wanna get the fuck away from me.
I don't want to drive people away but I always manage to.

I had a dream at some point either this morning or last night, I'm not sure which cos I kept waking up...but I had this dream and all I can remember is screaming to my mother that I hated her.

I can't figure out if I do or not. Hate her I mean. I'm not sure because maybe it's not her. Maybe my ex best friend was right, maybe I really am the 'bad guy'.

Every story has a bad guy...sometimes you feel sorry for this bad guy or you can relate to them...but they're still the bad guy. And sometimes there's the bad guy that you're praying someone kills off. Maybe I'm that kind of bad guy.

I wasn't very much fun to be with anyway
Let the blood run red cos I can't feel

- Scissors, Slipknot

There's something about me that makes everyone go. Like my dad. I don't mean he went cos he didn't. But he hates me. He can't stand to be around me and I can't remember the last time he even hugged me. He hugged my sister. He loves her. He doesn't love me.

Mum's just given up on me. She's turned her back on me, she doesn't love me anymore, if she even did to begin with.

I'm like Sumara, from the ring...except I can't burn pictures into things. But she couldn't help being evil and she just wanted someone to love her but they couldn't.

Fine. I don't care. People would just get in the way.