Dazed and Abused

"Disrespect me cos I'm ugly
Don't give me your stupid pity"

Oh my God, I just remembered something as I was thinking how to start this blog. It was a few weeks ago though. I was writing on here, and my mum asked who I was talking to (because I'm usually talking on MSN) and I said I'm not I'm writing on my blog and she said I didn't know you had a blog, you'll have to give me the site so I can take a look. And I was like... Uh...
And she asked what it was about and I said it was just where I ranted and she said Oh, perhaps I won't look then. Breathe a sigh of relief. I don't mind if she wanted to take a look since there's nothing she can do to change the way I think, it's just I now what I've written on here would upset her. I don't upset mother unless I have to.

But she pissed me off a bit today. She has these little slimfast milkshakes she takes to work for her lunch and I said when I start college again can you get some for me and she was like do you know how expensive they are.

That translates as a No.

Which infuraited me purely for the fact that when my eldest sister is all oh I wanna lose weight she makes lists that mum gets in the shopping but when I want something oh no it's too expensive.

She's just trying to keep me fat because I'm the fattest in the house at the moment and it makes them feel better about themselves to have someone fatter around.

Well sorry folks but it's not gonna fucking stay that way. A day will come soon that you will be crying your hearts out at how much thinner I am than you!

I'm usually not this competitive but it makes me mad that they moan at me for complaining about being fat and not doing anything about it but then they won't support me when I do decide to do something about it.

Inconsistant.

I told my first proper ED lie today. (I'm not saying I have an ED, just that this was the kind of lie that I know for a fact ED sufferers use). I was makin myself a bowl of lettuce and cucumber and my mum was like I don't think that'll be very filling and I said Oh I already ate, tonnes, been eating most of the day, cos I get bored y'know, and I eat when I'm bored.

Since for most of my life I've eaten out of either emotion or boredom, it wasn't that hard a lie to tell. She bought it.

She has no reason not to. She'll only start worrying when I'm visibly loosing weight.

Though I would hate to worry her (a worry unfounded I might add because I'm not doing it dangerously or anything), she won't be able to do a damn thing about it because I'm over 18. Ha. Ha ha.

I hate a thinspo playlist which I'm listening to...has some good songs on it, like Never Good Enough which I know quite a few people on here like. The playlist is called Goo. Lol. ot a very good name I admit, but I can't exactly have it called Thinspo for all to see now can I. That'll give everyone the wrong impression.

I mean...people wanting to lose weight normally can look at thinspo and stuff. It says in slimmer magazines that you do better if you have motivation like a piece of clothing you wanna fit into or something. So anyone can look at thinspo not just ED people.

I have this top that's my physical motivation. It was a top my friend bought me for my birthday (early birthday present) just before I went to see Slipknot live, and it says Mrs Corey Taylor. (For those who don't know, Corey Taylor is the lead singer of Slipknot and Stone Sour).

I can fit into it but it's in that style where you really need a good figure to pull it off. It makes me bulge in all the wrong places. I generally bulge in all the wrong places anyway, but I wanna be able to wear it, so...the lbs must come off.

Watched 28 Days today. It's a film about rehab with Sandra Bullock. It's a good film.

Got my interview at college on Wednesday. Joy. I don't even wanna fucking go back to college but mum will go apeshit if I don't. And she'd want me to get a full time job instead. Don't want one of those either.

Everyone keeps shoving life in my face as if that'll make me deal with all the shit in my head but it's just making it ten times fucking worse.

"You won't save me
Cos I'm not the fortunate one"

For some people the best way to deal with things is to throw themselves into their work or whatever.
Well that doesn't work for me because when something's bothering me, it distracts me so that whatever I'm working on comes out shit which just pisses me off even more and then I'm worse off than I was to begin with.

I need everything to stop and since that's not a practical demand to make, there's only one option left.

Anyone who could feel what I'm feeling would get it.

And it's no use telling me that other people are going through worse than I am because a) it doesn't make it easier and b) they're not because they're not real. None of this is real and it's all I can think about...that and food and what I really wanna do is get the fuck out of here.

It's like a complete loony episode here and I want out.

There was a kid stood on the roof of a building and people were encouraging him to jump. There was a girl who was beaten along with her boyfriend into a coma. The boyfriend woke up, she didn't. Her dreads had been torn out and everything.
Children are dying just cos they don't have clean water and there are people in hollywood complaining that they only get such and such million a year.
There are parents who beat the living shit out of their children and men who fly planes full of innocent people into the ground and fathers who rape their daughters and mothers who rape their sons and sisters who get drunk and sleep with anyone who comes along and brothers who gets high every day.

The list is endless, it just goes on and on and fucking on.

And it's all true, it all happens.

So why the fuck would I wanna stay here. It's too fucking sick to be real. Someone has stuck me here and is forcing me to experience it...punishment, experiment, pleasure, who the fuck knows.

But I know this isn't the real world and I know I don't belong here.

I will find a way to wake up and I'll fucking kill them.