Size 12

Okay so I'm at 155 lbs at the moment which I know is huge and also I don't think that's what my ticker says because I put on weight but I'm losing it again and I'm no where near my target BUT... My mum was sorting through the washing and she says these aren't mine and I said well they ain't mine cos they'll be too small for me and my sis goes they ain't mine so I goes give them to me and when I lose more weight I can wear them.

So last night just for the hell of it I decided to try them on as a bit of reverse thinspo...

Well, I am wearing them now. They FIT. I was heading towards size 16 and now I am in a pair of size 12 jeans.

Yes, I have a lot more weight to lose but this is a HUGE step!

Watching Girl, Interrupted. Not only is it a great film but it's good thinspo, firstly because one of the girls is an anoretic called Janet, but also because Angelina Jolie's in it and she is GORGEOUS. Her character's called Lisa and she's a sociopath. She's very good in this film and I just love her character. I wish I was as brave as Lisa.

But yeah, Angie's so thin in this film, my favourite bit is when she's lying on Suzanna's bed as she says 'well that's what the-raping's all about', she's so thin, she's gorgeous, especially her thighs man, my thighs are like four times the size of hers. Probably even bigger.

I'm getting better at resisting temptation. I mean I failed epically yesterday when my aunt offered to get me an ice cream (I know, uber fuck up), but I was thinking about food so much when I couldn't sleep last night and I didn't get up and eat anything, which is a big step and also when I was watching tv today usually in the adverts I get something to eat but I didn't.

I have eaten today but I've made sure I've kept my calorie intake below 500. I'm dropping it slowly because every time I drop it completely, I end up going totally haywire and binging. Hopefully if I drop it slowly I won't fuck up so much. I know I'm going to occasionally because that's my bodies way of saying hang on what the fuck's going on. But I'm not going to give up this time.

The only thing in my life right now is my...I don't know what to call it. I'm not going to say illness because that's not what it is. I don't have a disorder or anything and because of what I've written in this post so far I'll just say for the record that I'm not talking about my wannabe-anorexia, because that's not what I mean.

There's more to this than trying not to eat and most of it doesn't have anything to do with food or weight or getting thin. That's just a tiny bit that happens to be the bit I'm working on now.

I'll call it Psychosis (not to be confused with the psychosis they use to explain a step down from Scizophrenia, it's purely psychosis as in the way my mind works).

I had this really weird 'trip' last night. (No I didn't take any drugs).

I was stood next to my computer and my window was open cos it's so damn hot, so I could see two reflections of myself. One was in the main panel of the window and the other was on the open bit. Now the one on the main panel looked normal, normal skin tone, normal eyes, just a plain old reflection.
The one on the open window looked...in a word demonic. The skin was really pale and so were the lips and the eyes were really sunken in and dark and the eye brows were barely visible and...urgh, it really freaked me out.

But anyway...just wanted to share my little triumph. I know it probably doesn't seem like much but...fitting into a size 12 is a good step for me. I just hope this keeps going well. I'd love to walk into a clothes shop and be able to fit into a size 8 or 6...God, I can't even imagine that.

I haven't fit into anything lower than a size 12 since I was...11? Yeah I know, I was a fat kid lol.

But I'm not gonna stay one :)

Peace out. xxx