Dance, magic dance

The title is a song from one of my favourite movies, the Labyrinth with David Bowie as the Goblin King.

Speaking of movies, I just watched one called Centre Stage and it was really good - talk about thinspo though. It's about this group of friends in a ballet academy.

*sigh* I wanted to learn Ballet, but mother said I didn't have the right body and I didn't start young enough.

So even if I was stick thin and started right now I'd never be a good dancer.

I'm not all that graceful either. I've often thought of figure skating but I suppose you have to start learning that young too...and you'd have to be graceful for that as well.

I guess I'm never gonna be anything that requires grace...which is a shame because I love the concept of graceful movement...just movement in general.

It's five to one in the morning as I'm typing this. I slept most of the day and have since drank almost an entire 1litre bottle of Dart which is a red bull wannabe...so I'm rather awake.

I've been a disgusting pig as far as calories go but I'm refusing to let it bug me because I'll just do better tomorrow. I know how I can stop myself eating to much.

In my previous post (I think, my memories shit at the moment) I said about the conversation I had with mother about eating when I'm bored. Well in return she said 'you should find something to do then'. I think I've realised what I shall do. Read.

I was reading Wasted the other day by Marya Hornbacher, and she wrote how when she was little she used to do nothing but read books. That's what I was like. It's amazing how much I have in common with her.

I just have to get more books to read. Unfortunately the library in my hometown is shite, so I'd have to go into town to get anything decent...which means leaving the house...which I'm reluctant to do...

I'll have to anyway when college starts again but I have to find books to read until then...

Could prove troublesome but I'll manage it. I have the whole collection of Sherlock Holmes to read...and I could always read Wasted again.

Marya did this thing where she read all these books and then she wrote down her favourite quotes. I might do that.

That'll pass the time. I can make a list of all the things I can do with my time so as not to eat so much. If all else fails I can just make list after list even if I never complete them all.

I'll write poems and paint and draw and read. Anything and everything to keep myself busy...

I need something...anything to keep my mind from eating me alive. Seriously, it's totally consuming me. Unfortunately art of any kind is a window but at the same time it's therapuetic so...

At school, drawing was the only way other than hurting myself that I could get all the chaos inside of me out.
Now though, it's a different kind of chaos and drawing doesn't work so well.

My god I am so awake and I can't really do anything because it's so frickin quiet.

I have so many ideas man. So many. And it's really pissing me off because I'll never get to do any of them. Like I have this idea for a film that's a cross between a ballet and an opera/musical. Not only that, but it's totally masquerade. The masks are central to the story.

Even if I survive the hell inside of me...I don't think realistically that I could do any of the things that I dream about...save one.

The only thing that's been with me my entire life and the only thing that I'm remotely good at.

Writing. And not only that...There's writing in all the other things I dream of doing. There's writing in film, there's writing with photography, there's writing in songs etc etc etc.

I don't know, but my therapist in malborough house, he said I was a really good writer and that he could talk because he had a degree in english and he said that I shouldn't ever give it up. Sad, I can't remember his name, I'll have to ask mum.
He was cute though lol. He had lovely eyes.

It is actually driving me nuts right now how quiet it is. I'd go for a walk but a) I might wake everyone else up and b) that would mean going out...which I don't really wanna do.

Just put some music on so it's not quite so quiet. Ah 'Feathery Wings' by Voltaire. Gorgeous song.

You lost at sea
Do you need me?
Do you need directions?
Hey put down the gun
What are you thinking
You were someone's son

The taste of tears
The sting of pain
The smell of fear
The sounds of crying oh

I have quite a few books...Lots in fact. If life goes splendid, which I doubt it will, I fully intend on having a house big enough so that I can have my own personal library and not just a skimpy collection of books, I mean book shelves lining the walls with a moving ladder and comfy chairs and everything. The works.

Never gonna happen but it's a nice fantasy.

The weather's foul at the moment.

Well...not quite foul...It's just it annoys me when it's sunny. I don't like wearing skimpy clothes because I don't particularly like my body...and right now I consider anything less than jeans and a t-shirt to be skimpy...and I get irritable when I'm hot.

Another thing that I hate is that everyone's always oh be happy, come outside, it's sunny.

You know what? Things do not suddenly become hunky dory just because the fucking sun decides to shine.

I'm not going to be all happy and smiles and fine just because it's bright outside. The sun does not magically erase all the shit inside of me and I can't just tell everything to fuck off and come back another day because I want to enjoy the sun, I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way.

My sister hates me for it because she loves the sun. She's always fucking going on about her SAD and all that. Yeah, we get it, you're happier when the suns shining, good for you.

And then when it's raining she gets all miserable and starts complaining non stop about her SAD and how she can't do anything because of her SAD and rah rah rah.

You know what, I appreciate that people suffer from that and it drags you down or whatever but it doesn't mean you have to dump it on everyone else.

It's like she automatically expects everyone to fall over themselves for her any time...and it's not just her SAD it's EVERYTHING.

She acts like she's so fucking hard done by. I know this might seem like a perfect time to call my a hypocrite given what I write on my blog, but that's what blogs are for. People rant and rave on blogs. She doesn't confine her mopiness to a blog however, she fucking sits there and whines all the fucking time and it does my head in.

Yeah, right now I'm whining I guess, but this is a fucking blog. You don't have to read it. But she sits there and whines and moans and oh woe is me such a hard life all the fucking time whether people wanna listen or not.

And if you say the slightest thing against her it just adds to how fucking hard done by she thinks she is.

My god she makes me so fucking angry some times. And she is so fucking selfish at times. She expects everyone to drop everything for her and run around after her and if you don't you're being a bitch but then she doesn't do anything in return.
Like for instance, when we switched rooms the agreement was, you help me with my room I'll help you with yours. Well I helped her with hers. I helped move her stuff in I helped strip the wall paper and I helped paint. Did she help me with my room? No. She shoved my stuff in, in awkward piles, and then said she'd help when university finished. Well she's off for the summer now and where is she? At her fucking boyfriends house.

She's always getting me to fetch things for her or go over the shop and yet she doesn't ever do things like that for me.

She had a on-her-high-horse go at me for starting smoking and oh-you're-so-stupid and all that bollocks, and yet three months after supposedly quitting and aren't I fucking fantastic, she starts up again and still says I'm stupid for smoking.

She's allowed to constantly complain about how shit her life is going yet she can dictate what I'm supposed to do with mine, she can sit there and tell me all this horse shit about just fucking dealing with it and yet she walks around as if she's fucking heroicly bearing the worlds troubles on her shoulders.

Makes me so fucking mad. See, that's what still being awake at half one in the morning does to you. Makes ya moody. Or at least, it makes me moody.

Wow, I've been zoned in to what I'm writing so much that I completely missed one of the songs on my playlist. I do that so often. I'm so involved with whatever I'm doing that I can't hear anything else, or I totally zone out, like I'll be thinking about something so hard that I just won't hear anything.

I like doing that. If I can hear everything that's going on it makes me skittish and edgy.

But then so does being bored. Although being bored depends on what mood I'm in cos if I'm down and moody being bored just makes me sleepy, but if I'm in a specific do-y mood then not doing anything makes me twitch. Lol. Kinda hard to explain but hopefully you get what I mean.

I might write a book kind of like 'Wasted'. I think I could do that...I've only really written one book in first person so it could prove an interesting challenge.

The only thing is Marya wrote it whilst looking back on what had happened...If I were to write about whatever thing I'm experiencing...well, it hasn't finished yet. So instead of looking back on it, I'd be writing it as I go.

Not sure how that'd work.

A year in the life of a...

What am I? I've never been diagnosed as anything, I've never been hospitalised seriously, yes I've attempted suicide but only twice...yeah you could call me a self harmer but it's not all that serious.

So there's not really anything there, you know?

Marya was specifically writing about her eating disorder and its affect on her life.

I haven't been told by a medical expert 'You have this disorder', so I can't write a book claiming that I have any disorder. (Not that I'm saying I think I do have any kind of disorder, I'm simply saying that people who write books like these are writing it in the view of a disordered person whereas I don't have that basis.)

Maybe I'll start it out as notes and research and stuff and then if I 'make it' I can figure out something to base it around later.

Sounds like a plan.

I had an idea ages ago that I'd start a proper scrapbook, like some times in films and stuff, like in the ring 2 I think it was, you have the main characters finding a scrap book and it revealing an important part of the story line.

Image and text, image and text, image and text.

It'll have everything. Little doodles. Stickers. Poems. Thoughts. Everything a good scrapbook is supposed to have.

And then, if I ever really do do a book like Wasted, I can include pictures of the scrapbook, as well as pictures of art and things.

Sounds like a plan to me ^_^

Of course...all this hangs on whether I actually make it or not.

Wow. Now there's a story line. A girl kills herself and all she left behind her was a scrap book. I don't know who would become the main character but then they'd have to retrace the girls life using this scrap book, to figure out why she did it.
And in the end they'd never know because it was the demons in her head that she couldn't reflect onto a page that killed her and all she really wanted was to tell her story.

That'll give me something to do. I'll write that as a story, that'll stop me eating so much...when I'm writing, I can go for fucking hours without moving, let alone eating anything.

Well, it's almost 2 AM and I hate to think how long this post it so I'm gonna fuck off and start this story.

Laters.