Commitment

Hello to everyone who occasionally reads this blog or just happens to be reading this post.

As those of you who have seen this blog before may have noticed, I gave it a bit of a makeover.

I have been down and blah lately, and not doing so well on anything so I thought a change of scenery might spur my commitment levels. Since I don't like going out, the only change of scenery I can do is on here, hence the little makeover.

I think it looks kinda cool now. Way better than it looked before.

I'm a little way into reading Madness by Marya Hornbacher. It's good but I think I actually prefer Wasted. I don't know, we'll see when I've finished reading it, it's a little early to judge right now.

I was on facebook earlier and everyone keeps putting up photo's of fun times and everything with their mates...and I don't go out, I don't have very many friends and so I don't have any cool pictures to put up. It makes me feel awful lonely.

I've given up on trying to explain anything to my mum because she replied to my email by basically saying that's tough deal with it, if you want a life you have to get off your arse and get a job. And some other stuff.

I never said I wanted a life. I think I'm making progress with my councilor though...I don't know yet, might be a bit early to tell.

I've decided that since I've completely screwed up my educational career, I'm going to commit to my own personal experiment and my own personal education. I'm going to teach. I am going to teach my mother what happens when she doesn't listen to me. I'm going to teach what happens when people push and push someone until they snap.

I'm going to commit to this. I've said that before but I was too afraid to truly commit because part of me still believed that I could somehow 'make it'. I have since learned that there's no making it for me...there's no life beyond this thing inside of me.

There's nothing. I'm nothing. I'm going to waste away. If she won't let me kill myself quickly, then I shall die slowly.

I don't care how it happens, as long as it happens. It's actually more interesting to do it slowly now that I think about it, because then you can examine each process in detail. It lets you watch yourself, as if somebody else, just watch yourself slowly turn to dust.

Quite a few posts ago I said I didn't wanna be dust. Well, asI always do, I have changed my mind. Dust is better than what I am now. So I will. I'll rot away into dust and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.