claustrophobic

I'm not claustrophobic but I'm feeling it today. My room is a box. I can't move around in here, it's all fucking...grr.

I have things in boxes and boxes on piled on boxes and everything's all squashed and fucking stacked and it's all stuffy and I can't breathe.

And no one will help me, they're like just throw stuff out, I can't, I've already sorted through my stuff when we switched rooms and I've already thrown out everything I can, I'm a hoarder with a lot of interests, I'm gonna have a lot of stuff and it doesn't fucking fit into this box of a fucking room.

I need new furniture as well but my mum won't help she's like you have to get a job.

I am so fucking sick of her saying that every time I even mention money she says I have to get a job.

I FUCKING CAN'T. I CANNOT STAND BEING WITH PEOPLE, I CANNOT STAND ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING'S OKAY AND I CANNOT FUCKING STAND LIVING LIKE THIS!

I am so fucking sick of her telling me to just fucking get over it and get a life. I'm so sick of that. I can't have a life because I don't want to fucking live, I am sick, DEAL WITH IT.

I am so fucking angry right now and I can't get it out. I need to cry and it won't come out.

Everyone's fucking abandoning me like what's going on in my head and what's fucking happening with me right now doesn't matter, it's just a fucking phase or something and it's just making me so angry cos my sister she gets fucking everything, everyone fell over for her when she was 'sick' and they scraped and fawned and oh poor baby and all that fucking shit and yet I need some fucking understanding and they're shoving me away, you're a big girl now deal with it.

I'm tired of every day being a fucking struggle.

It's like I'm not allowed to have anything wrong, I'm not allowed to be 'sick' I'm not allowed to have problems or any of that shit.

I'm the one that just has to keep my fucking mouth shut and deal with it while everyone else gets to go moping around like their problems mean the end of the fucking world.

I'm not allowed to get upset about anything. Ros gets upset and she's fucking depressed oh my god how do we stop this illness, I get upset and I'm being a spoilt fucking brat.

I'm so sick of this and I can't fucking stand it anymore it's driving me fucking crazy and then they turn round and act all fucking surprised when i swallow a load of pills.

you bastards, you blind fucking bastads!

laugh in your loneliness
child of the wilderness
learn to be lonely
learn how to love life that is lived alone

- learn to be lonely, phantom of the opera