fat piggy grr

i'm so mad at myself right now it's fucking unreal!

I have been eating pretty much all fucking day!

argh, all the weight I lost I've probably put back on, so I bought some chewing gum in the hope that chewing that will stop me shoving things into my mouth, it's being bored and stuff that makes me overeat so all I have to do is stay busy.

argh, so mad.

xx

Update

Things are going okay. I've dropped a dress size...I was a 16 (I know, gross) but now I'm a 14.

College is going okay and even though I've had a really shit diet all week, I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

Mum says I don't have to take the stupid anti depressants if I don't want to. So I'm not.

and on friday I went shopping for some clothes with my mum and for the first time in fucking years, I didn't end up crying. so that was good

stay strong peeps

xXx

good day?

So I had a on and off day today. It started well and then I went to dance class.

It's great thinspiration but every time we're dancing I can't focus on the moves because all I can think about is the fact that all these dancers around me prancing their stuff are just gonna be looking at me thinking, what the fuck is she doing here? She can't dance, she's too fat to be here. They look at me as if to say, you don't belong here!

But my job interview went very well and apart from the technical details I've pretty much got the job ^_^ So that's good. The evenings is when I slip and my shift is nights so I'll havie something to do after college that'll stop me from eating out of sheer boredom.

So things are going pretty well.

I'll keep you posted. As far as food is concerned, I've been an absolute pig this week and I don't even wanna know how much I've put on.
I'm just gonna put it behind me and try harder this next week.

xXx

potential job

Got a call today while I was at college. Have a job interview at Prior Park tomorrow. I hope I make a good impression. Jee, I've never had a job interview before. Kinda scary.

It's to be an assistant caterer.

I'm worried it'll make me wanna eat more...but I can't do worse than I've been doing and I really need the money so...here's hoping.

I really need this job. Can't even begin to explain how much I need this job.

Besides, maybe working with food alot will actually put me off eating it. So often I've cooked something and not wanted to eat it after so maybe it'll actually improve my diet.

Football was knackering this morning.

Got a photography trip on wednesday, yay.

meh, that's it as far as updates are concerned.

Peace out people! xXx

That lasted long

Okay, so it wasn't my last post.

You're stuck with me for a while longer, sorry and all.

Might be learning Ice Skating ^_^ Something I've wanted to learn for a long time. Got to choreograph a 1 minute dance to show the rest of my dance class on thursday o.O I know nothing of dance, that's why I'm taking the GCSE. But I have some ideas so I'm just gonna see what happens.

Blah.

I don't know if I'm losing weight or not. I'm down to 147 lbs at the moment. Not the best I've been but it's not the worst either so...I'm just gonna keep plodding along and see what happens.

xXx

Today in the life of a deranged dreamer

So it's been a tiring week.

Finally sorted out my final time table for college...Photoraphy, Media Studies, Dance and Art 3D GCSE's...and possibly football and volleyball on mondays.

I've had a terrible week as far as food's concerned. I'm a fucking hippo. Not a pretty sight. Still, I haven't seemed to have gained weight so that's good I suppose...but I haven't lost it either, so that's bad.

I'll just have to try harder. NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS.

And you know what...much as I love the support system you guys have got on here...I just don't think it's for me. So...this could possibly be my last post. I don't know, we'll see.

I wish you all luck and hope you're more succesful than me.

xXx

Fat piggy the FAT FAILURE

I am nothing. I am shit! I am the biggest failure in the world. I am fat and I will always be fat if I don't get myself under control!

I've binged two days in a row and failed at making myself sick both times.

So as of tomorrow, no more ABC diet, no more food, no more anything. I am done with this shit! I am NOT gonna die fat and you know what? I don't even give a shit about that anymore.

I am done with everything. Friends that don't know me, family that don't have a clue about who I am, no one knows me, not who I really am. No one knows me and I am done in this shit hole. I hate college, I hate my friends, I hate my family and I hate me. I hate my life.

I know this is probably sounding really fucking whiny at the moment but I don't really care. It's my blog so I can whine as much as I fucking want to!

If you don't like my whining fuck off somewhere else. I've had it. I'm so sick of being sweet and polite to people only to be treated like shit.
I'm sick of trying to explain myself and how I feel when no one's listening and no one gives a shit.

I'm sick of feeling guilty that there are so many horrible things happening in the world that I can't do a damn thing about.

I'm sick of everything!

I don't even want food anymore, not because I want to be thin, even though I do really still want to be thin, it's not about that anymore. I just don't wanna eat.
I don't want to DO anything.
I want to fade away.
I want out. Right now!

ABC

I have decided to try out the ABC diet.

So here's hoping.

Wish me luck.

1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

cos time is ticking by

Tis ticking time you see? Yae, nay?
Nay. Oookay, moving on.

I haven't actually thought of a plotline to this post, but I have no life, at least not on a sunday morning when I have only slept a maximum of two hours from 5 am....so I'm just doing what I always do which is...(pause for dramatic effect), make it up as I go along. Story of my life.

A very happy unbirthday, to you, to me?

So, here's something great, wanna know a great thing to eat if you have to eat and it needs to be enough to stop you collapsing but like, under 200 cals. Cheerios. Yummy.

I won a tumbling tower game from Orange for topping up. I suppose that's Jenga, right? I love jenga. Purely cos I don't actually play the game, I build little towers and see how high I can make them without them falling over. So fun.

And joyfully time consuming.

Like posting random things on blog sites.

Kind of like I'm doing now...HOWEVER...if you search the cupboard under the bed, you will find a very enlightening meaning behind this post...

I can't, because sadly, I've lost the cupboard but I'm sure you guys must have one somewhere.

HER MIND HAS FLED! Flee it screamed, Flee!

Down the darkened corridors it ran, howling and shrieking and screaming in horror, it's nerves shot to shit and a horrid twisting clasping it in the vice like grip of fear. It turned a corner, descended some stairs, blasted through a load of cobwebs and fell down a hole, which as you may already know, landed it in more darkness with no light whatsoever, and because it was a hole and not a tunnel, there was no light at the end. The walls were smooth, no where to grip, and the hole was deep and empty, except for her mind of course, which meant that there was no possible way to get it out and put it back where it belonged.

But then, perhaps it never belonged there anyway. MaYbE it was put there by mistake? Or maybe it wasn't a mistake at all, but rather the butt of a cosmic joke so that the entire universe could snigger up their sleeves at the pain she felt when it left her all alone.

Anyway, I seem to be 52 cards short of a deck.

of cards.

you know...

the playing cards...

jack, king, queen, ace and numbers 1-9 in hearts, diamonds, clubs and spades.

Why the hell is it called spades, don't even look like spades. and clubs. why isn't it the ace of clovers?!

What if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about?

then there'd not really be any point in having the eternal philisophical puzzle box of "What is the meaning of life?"

Hokey pokey...possibly...but that doesn't work because there's not really any law of what the hokey pokey actually is, apart from some weird little dance you do as a kid.

ah well.

ok yeah i think it's possibly time for me to stop writing...tis getting a bit deep now...with the whole philisophical puzzle boxes and all and i'm not really in the mood to deal with even one puzzle box...

so yeah

love you lots like jelly tots

toodles

xXx

Spiral down

I lost all control yesterday. College was NOT good. I had clashes on my time table so I had to drop a course, and I had to drop badminton cos it clashed with something else.

And on top of that I haven't lost any weight. Every time I weigh myself it's the same group of numbers, between 145 and 152 lbs.

I ate like a pig yesterday and I cut last night, and then I cut again this morning. I like cutting, it makes me feel better and it's the one thing no one except me can control!

I was told as a child to tell the truth, but all my truth has gotten me is the freak label and happy pills so that they can change me to something society wants me to be and my emotions won't get in the way.

Not that I'm feeling much of anything right now, but that happened before the stupid pills. Things that would normally upset me aren't upsetting me and I haven't cried for weeks, when I used to cry at the slightest thing.

I could kill for a fag right now!

So my day didn't go well yesterday and I'm not feeling much better today.

Hope you lot are doing better.

xx

wonderful

Thanks to everyone who supported me so much on my last post, that made me feel so much better.

I decided today that if I ever wanted to lose weight than I would have to seriously commit, and when I do something serious I need something to sort of say okay, this is what's happening, something to signify it.
So tonight I had my official last meal.
So forward from this point in time, I will not eat a full meal, junk food, nothing that would mean I had more than 100 cals a day!
If I pass that limit, then I will have nothing for the next day, at all.

My punishment for fucking up will be...well I haven't quite thought of one. I considered making it self harm, but I do that anyway. No music. There you go. If I mess up, I'm not allowed to listen to music for the entire next day.
That is so gonna suck XD

So this is it. My official step into the lifestyle where I will do ANYTHING to be thin!

Wish me luck!

xXx

Give the girl a prize!

Ok so I didn't do anything momentous enough to actually get a prize, but I've just done something I am quite proud of.

Okay so I've had this stash of salted preanuts in my bed draw, and I just got all of them (2 bags and a box), and threw them away, in the outside bin so I can't get them back.

I know that probably doesn't sound much to you ladies and gentlemen who have been losing weight for months and stuff but for me personally, it is a huge step.

Keep going people, don't give up!

xXx

eh, shall we not

Okay, I just tried for the last 20 minutes to make myself sick and no that isn't an exageration...nothing happened save for scratching the back of my throat and spitting out a tiny bit of blood.

So, either it's impossible for me to actually make myself sick, or I didn't eat and drink enough to throw up. (2 cups of coke, a cup of water, 2 kit kats and a cheese sandwhich).

I didn't even wimp out this time, I properly went for it.

So, either I eat and eat and eat until I actually throw up, or I don't eat at all.

I think not eating at all is probably a better way for me.

I hate this. I feel like I'm not making a physical effort to lose weight. I might go for a walk, just to clear my head.

At least if I could make myself throw up I would be doing something physical to commit to this. Fircing my body to break down is the only thing I can do, I have to let this destructive energy out and I'm not the kind of person who likes hurting other people, so I'll do it to myself, but at the same time I'd have it no other way. I like hurting myself. It makes me feel like I have some small bit of power. At least the pain let's me know I'm real.

I mean, I guess all pain is is a little spark in your brain to tell you something's damamged. Boy am I damaged lol.

God, I'm such a fat fucking failure...at like, everything. I failed school because I left early, I failed college cos I dropped out, I failed suicide cos I didn't take enough and now I'm failing this. I'm such a fucking disgusting bitch.

I hope you lovely people are having more success than I am.

xXx

Home Alone!

Morning!

Mwhaha, I convinced my mum to let me stay home. Yay. I felt really bad about it though, cos she was awfully upset about it.
But it's gotta be done. God, I'd be so dead if mum ever read this blog.

So yesterday was NOT good foodwise. I binged. Horribly and fatly, but funnily enough, I weigh myself this morning and I am *pause for dramatic effect* 145 lbs.

I know that's still huge but it's over 5 lbs lighter than I was a week ago. Besides, if it happens again today, I can attempt to purge because no one's home.

I'll say again, I don't promote ED's and I don't claim to have one. I don't want one, I don't think their jokeable matters and I don't dislike people who have them.
I'm just another little weirdo who will do anything to be thin!

xXx

That little piggy went to market and this fat little piggy stayed home!

Evening all

So, I wrote a letter to my mum calmly but firmly stating that I was NOT going into work with her this week and if she was that bothered about my welfare she could ring to make sure I was still here.

But nicer than that. I hope it doesn't upset her too much but what else can I do? She's getting in my way and it's so frustrating.

I can't really commit to the whole self destruction experiment if she's constantly watching me.

So, I'll blog tomorrow to tell you how it went.

Thanks to Olivia Obsessed for replying to my last post, I'll ween off like you suggested. Thanks.

xXx

Fat Piggy Me

I drew a little picture the other day and I've repeated drawing it many times since, of a little fat pig...so now I've been calling myself Fat Piggy.

And like the fat piggy that I am, for my lunch I'm eating a cheese sandwhich WITH chili mayonnaise, which must be what, 600 calories? AND a pot of 80 cal vege jelly.

It will be so much easier when I'm back at college, away from temptation. And at least when I'm going to college if I need to purge I can come home early and do it before my parents get home.

Ah, the freedom.

Perhaps the trouble is that I'm trying to instantly stop eating. Maybe I should gradually ween myself off food...any ideas on that anyone?

I hope you lovies ladies and gents are doing better than me!

xXx

Thoughts from the Deranged Dreamer # 1

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen

Dunno if any guys actually read this but oh well, it sounds cool!

I think I may have become Pro-Ana without even meaning too. I would say that I'm Pro-Ana for myself, but against it for other people because I know it can be self-damaging and I see beauty in them but not in myself...but then I'd be a selfish hypocrite so I won't say that.

After reading some posts on other people's blogs, I'm trying to 'discover' what 'ana' or being thin, is to me. What it means to me personally.

I suppose I have the soul of an artist, if I even have a soul at all. As far as careers and stuff go, art is all that matters to me.

So as a prospective artist, what does all this mean to me?

I guess at the end of the day, everything I do, everything I'm about, is statement and beauty. Most of the time it's controversial beauty.
Maybe it was bred from my being so hideously ugly and so disgustingly fat, but I like making people think about beauty in places where they don't expect to find it.

For instance, a rational person probably wouldn't find a stick thin girl beautiful, but I do. All you have to do is fully examine and appreciate the curve of her bones, the frailty, the vulnerability, and also her strength, her courage, her perseverance.
All that is considered beautiful in almost every culture of the modern world. And yet they've formed a conspiracy so that they can constantly insult us. The fat-thin conspiracy is as follows...As you're growing up as a child, you're told that it's okay to be you, follow your heart and all your dreams will come true, you can do anything if you beleive, it's what's inside that counts and all that. Then as you grow into an adult that is ripped away. In your despair you find something to fill the hole that's been torn into you. Inevitably, most of us turn to food. Then we put on weight, we get fat, and suddenly the whole world is against us, ignoring the person inside and focusing instead on our grossly distorted image. So they mock us by flaunting gorgeously thin models and actors in front of our faces, just in case we had any self esteem left at all.
But then when we get so sick of it that we make ourselves thin, we get told we're sick, we have an illness and we must eat...then it all starts again.

See, imbedded into the human nature is this unbearable need to be cruel and to be better than everyone else. Many people would have you believe that this comes from survival instincts...but no.
It's the same as a fox. A fox won't kill just one chicken. It will kill them all, just for the joy of the kill.
They used this to try and change my mind about becoming a vegetarian, but now I use it as an example of man.

So they don't want us to be thin cos then we'd be happy...or at least happier than we are.

Being thin doesn't solve everything, sadly, but it's a fucking good place to start!

There will always be fat people, and hey, if they're happy, good on them. But they will always be, just as there will always be arseholes, and I for one don't plan on joining either group!

It's going to be a long hard road and there will be slip ips and bad days, but dammit, I will NOT give this up!

I want to be beautiful too, and the only shot I'll ever have is if I'm thin.

So that's what ana is to me. The oppertunity to be beautiful and the things I will discover and paint along the way to prove that, even though I for one don't want to be fat, there's beauty in everything and everyone eventually. I'm just doing what I have to for there to be beauty in me.
Some fat people are still beautiful, but the fat look doesn't work in some cases, and I'm one of the cases where it definitely is NOT a good look.

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and...Ideas are bulletproof!"

xXx

*Sigh*

So my best friend came round today, and she wanted me to eat. She said that if I really, really didn't want to she wasn't going to force me, but I gave in a little bit.

I've had a pot of 80 cal jelly, and a packet of french fries 95 cals.

So total = 175 Cals.

Hopefully if I have it my way, that's all I'm going to eat today.

I haven't weighed myself yet today so I should do that at some point.

So there you go.

Nothing much more to say, I just hope I don't lose all control and binge.

xXx

truth

So I told my best friend, my true love, my saviour, the truth today. We promised we'd be honest with each other, so I told her I had a problem with food.

She doesn't want me to stop eating but she gets it. She says she won't let me go so far as to die, but she wants me to be happy with myself.

It was a relief to tell her, but I half wish I didn't. I don't want her to worry about me but I'm not giving up!

To Olivia Obsessed, I told my mum I was a realist and that my logic was undeniable, she just turned round and said my logic was flawed. I fail to see how.

To Steph, thanks for your encouragement and keep your chin up, if you believe in yourself I'm sure you'll manage the ABC.

To Olivia Obsessed and Lizzy, thanks for the info about the antidepressants, I think I'm on a pretty low dose so hopefully there won't be any issues.

And to GTMS thanks for your support and encouragement.

I think I got everyone for the shout outs ^_^

xXx

Morning

Good morning lovies.

So I weighed myself and I'm 149.8 lbs, which isn't good I know but it's not as bad as I was expecting.
I've been trying to convince my mum and everyone that I'm eating, so I got her to buy me some vegetarian jelly. 80 cals a pot, so I 've had one of them today and a banana. I'm fasting for the rest of the day, and I'll just have one of them tomorrow and one on sunday.
Then I'll cut it right back all next week as much as I can.

For the next week or so I'm going to have to be very careful because my mum is very suspicious about everything. But never fear, I'm going to really commit when I get to college. Which is the 14th of September. Then I won't be constantly watched.

And for the record, liquid antidepressants tastes fucking foul!

xXx

oh and for those who've left comments on my posts, thank you so much for your support and encouragement, I shall list your names on my next post so that everyone knows how kind you are, thanks to Lisa for being my msn buddy, and Kat who helped me make up my mind.
Love you darlings!

Revelation

Urgh

So I said I'd update you. My weight has gone shooting straight back up to 151

However I've turned a negative into a positive from eating that stupid fucking cottage pie by having an awesome revelation. I ate it really slowly so it filled me up and I couldn't eat all of it, but while I was eating it I was really thinking about each mouthful and you know what I've discovered?
Eating is boring. It wasn't one of those 'oh my god this is so delicious'. It wasn't really bad tasting I suppose but it wasn't anything special and when I think about it, food in general is like that for me. I've been eaten too much for all these years when all I had to realise was that I never really enjoyed it.

All food is supposed to be is sustenance to keep us alive, to make our bodies work. We don't need to enjoy it. We don't need as much as people have everyday.
It's sad really. Our societies have become so consumeristic ( I don't know if that's a word but it is now!), where everything is so fast and no one really slows down to think if they really need what they're doing.

For the last few years my life has been a personal experiment, because generally I don't give a shit if it turns into an epic fail because I'm a failure anyway.
And by disecting my life and thoughts, I have discovered much. I don't understand alot of what I know, but people often mistake knowing for understanding.
For instance, people often say, 'I know what you mean.' Be that as it may, you don't fully understand and you never will, because you don't think the way I do and you aren't inside my head. Therefor you can never truly understand me, what I think and say, what I've been through or what I'm still going through.
Makes me feel kind of lonely but then I'm come to terms with my fate. I've always been a loner so it's nothing particularly new.

But let's get back to society for a moment. And the ever present thought of food and why we end up being fat and in reaction, obsessed with our weight. Not that I'm obsessed of course, but why it's such an important thing in the world today.
Everything's such chaos now. People and signs and adverts compelling and seducing you into buying things you don't need and probably don't even want so that they can make a profit for their own pockets. In return, you spend your life doing a job you hate (unless you get lucky and actually enjoy your job) to get paid with something you hate (I personally hate money) so that you can buy things you don't need and give the rest to greedy, hypocritical, bullshitting governments. It's a pointless cycle.

See it's like that guy says in Matrix Reloaded (I think, been a while since I watched that film), everything is cause and effect.

Because we're always expanding and finding new ways to do things, easier ways, it's brought about our own mutual self destruction.

And the problem? No one gives a shit. They turn a blind eye and accept it as law that this is how life is now, live with it!

My favourite thing to say at the moment : Everyday we're kicked in the nads and told to take it like a man!

We're on a converyer belt of bullshit. We get this pinned on smile to show the world and told to deal with it...but if we put one foot off the conveyer belt, an single cm out of line, and we're thrown in the trash!

Everyone's living in a fake, plastic, glorified bubble of mediocre normality. Well I have no bubble, glorified or otherwise.

You see (if anyone's seen Girl, Interrupted, you'll probably recognise this statement.), this supposed depression or whatever it is these people think I 'suffer' from, it's truth. That's all.

It let's me see the truth.

See when you're a kid, your force fed this bullshit about what the world is like, that truth, justice, love, everything that's 'good' wins the day. But no. 'Good' gets trampled in the dust by greed and arrogance and hatred.

So yes, I see the truth. I see that everything I believed about the world when I was little was a Lie. They Lied to me for thirteen fucking years, and now that I see what everything truly is, I'm the one that's ill?
I'm not sick, the world is!

But I think I've ranted enough today.
Please think on what I've said. My mother says I'm pressimistic. But actually I'm logical. If you look on the bright side and think something good's gonna happen and it doesn't, you're crushed. But if you don't expect it and something good does happen, you're pleasantly surprised.

xXx

Oh

Evening folks...

well it is for me, I think this goes on American time or something...it's 25 past 7 in england... and now i'm stuck with a cottage pie on my lap that's almost 200 cals and I don't want to eat it but my mum's getting suspicious...

I was doing so well, haven't eaten all day. :(

Now I'm gonna have to fast for an extra day.

I can't even throw up after because I haven't done it enough times to be able to do it quietly. :(

So tomorrows weigh in is gonna be horrible. I'm such a fat failure!

Hope you guys are doing better than me.

xx

Step By Step

I know I said I'd post later or tomorrow but I wanted to post my plan before I forget.

Okay so everyone knows that it's easier to reach a load of small goals that one giant big one, yeah?
So here's my eleven weight goals. Yeah eleven, cos I'm fat and have ALOT to lose.

One - 10 st or 140lb
Two - 9.5 st or 135lb
Three - 9 st or 126lb
Four - 8.5 st or 121lb
Five - 8 st or 112lb
Six - 7.5 st or 107lb
Seven - 7 st or 98lb
Eight - 6.5 st or 91lb
Nine - 6 st or 84lb
Ten - 5.5 st or 77lb
Eleven - 5 st or 70lb

So yeah, that's my eleven goals. I'm close to reaching the first one.

Um, also I have a very generalised plan for exercise. I won't know the full timed plan until I get my college time table but I've signed up for Badminton at college, if I have the right hours I'll sign up for the gym (they have a rowing machine and it's so fun!), I'm gonna ask my mum to get me some rollerblades for christmas and argos have this set of press up, sit up and chin up bars that I'll try and get hold of.
Also, when I lost some more weight I'll go swimming, and I have a skipping rope and work out DVD so...yeah when I know all my hours for college and the catering job if I get it, I'll write up a full plan as well as an eating plan.

I think it'll be good to have a routine, something I can stick to.
So that's the generalised plan, stay tuned folks!

xXx

Success

Okay, despite having a grotty day yesterday, I am feeling quite good right now because...

I finally managed to convince my mum to let me stay home instead of go to work with her where she can watch me.
The only thing that's pissing me off about it is that she's left my oldest sister to keep an eye on me. Like I'm a fucking child!

Oh well, at least I can fast today without being moaned at.

I gotta go to Prior Park and get an application form for their catering assistant part time job. I don't really want a job but I need the money.

So here's hoping.

Despite what I said in my previous posts I'm not actually gonna try and kill myself again...yet.
I have come to the conclusion that I DO NOT WANT TO DIE FAT!
So I am not going to try again until I am down to my goal weight of 70lb. Unless somethingcompells me more than usual. Mum's picking up stupid antidepressants today after work so I'll be starting that shit tomorrow. Urgh, Joy.
Anyone know what Antidepressants does to your weight??? (Serious question by the way cos I don't know.)

It's so nice to be able to talk about m issues and not be reprimanded about it. No one on here knows who I am, so I can say it all in total confidence. And many of you are so lovely that I even if you did know me you'd understand.

People need to be more understanding.

Might post later but if not I'll post tomorrow with my current weight :/

Peace Out xXx

Tumbling down the hole

And it's not as funky as Alice's hole.

Today was not good. The the-rapists have put me on antidepresasnts grr.

Not only that, my mum gave me a huge lecture, and this morning she said starving wouldn't make me lose weight.

And then she made me eat CAKE!!!! It was yummy I admit but imagine the CALORIES IN THAT!

Yesterday I weighed myself and I was 142 lbs...today I'm 147 lbs :(


So not a good day.

GAH!!!!

I am so fucking pissed off right now. But before I go off on one, I'd just like to say yay I have 3 followers. I didn't think I'd get any. And I also want to answer Lizzy's comment on my previous post.
My dear girl, there are many talents and many assets that most people don't even realise they have. The fact that you commented on my post gives you the asset of understanding. That's a very big one mate, people need to be more understanding.
But I get what you're saying. Being thin is what alot of us see as our last chance...maybe our dying chance but our chance none the less.
People won't ever see that thin matters, because they insist on contradicting themselves. Sometimes I think people tell me I'm fine just the way I am so that I don't try to better myself so they feel good about themselves. They fear that I might get thinner than them and they don't want that. I don't know, but one thing we all know and share is that we MUST be thin! And I'd love to be invisible but no. Instead people look at me like a disgusting pile of shit that they accidentally walked through. They treat me like some sort of diseased street urchin. Well they'll fucking swallow their tongues when I'm thin and beautiful.

So...here's a rant of why I'm pissed off. Colleges are so fucking unorganised. First, I get sent to the wrong tutor who has no idea what to do with me. Then they lose my file and no one knows where to put me. Then they decide that the programme I was going to do isn't done anymore so I have to completely redo my course programme. Then they decide that I don't have enough hours to qualify for full time student so I have to choose two other courses that I don't give a shit about, only to have one of them clash with photography so if we can't work it out I'm not gonna have enough hours to count as a full time student. And then my fucking phone died while I was near to tears and panicking and I couldn't even text my mum cos my fricking phone!

Fucking idiots.

As for my calorie count for today, so far it is around about 60 cals. My dad offered to get my a curry but I declined. I think my mum reckons it's just because I've had such a stupid day.

As for me now...I've been thinking throughout the day. And my general conclusion is that since I can't commit to anything in life because I only ever end up quitting, I shall commit to self destruction.
And no one will get in my way because it's my choice. How dare they think they own me enough to decide what I do to myself!
It's my body, my soul, my choice!

I have a stupid appointment tomorrow morning at Malborough House, which is a child psychiatric hospital and they want to put me on antidepressants.
Don't get me wrong, I guess I don't have anything against them, but they could be spending their time on someone who actually WANTS help, instead of someone who's already lost to them with no way out of the dark abyss and you know what? I don't want a way out. My way out was fucking foiled when my mum realised a pack of her tablets was missing so she bodjed that up.

Why are they so cruel? If it's my choice to smoke, or take drugs (which I don't do), or drink alcohol and my choice what music I listen to, what films I watch or what I wear, then surely it should be my choice alone as to whether I live or not.

Why would I want to live in this fat, ugly, clumsy body in a world full of sick bastards doing sicker things, where children get their legs blown off in some pointless war and people are diseased and dying. Okay, you know what, why don't you fuckers focus on the starving children in africa who NEED your help and get the fuck out my way!

Back off and leave me to it because I don't WANT help and I never will. If they won't let me do it I'll force my body to break down, I am beyond caring.

I'm sorry, that was a rather long rant, it's just I'm so mad right now.

xXx