GAH!!!!

I am so fucking pissed off right now. But before I go off on one, I'd just like to say yay I have 3 followers. I didn't think I'd get any. And I also want to answer Lizzy's comment on my previous post.
My dear girl, there are many talents and many assets that most people don't even realise they have. The fact that you commented on my post gives you the asset of understanding. That's a very big one mate, people need to be more understanding.
But I get what you're saying. Being thin is what alot of us see as our last chance...maybe our dying chance but our chance none the less.
People won't ever see that thin matters, because they insist on contradicting themselves. Sometimes I think people tell me I'm fine just the way I am so that I don't try to better myself so they feel good about themselves. They fear that I might get thinner than them and they don't want that. I don't know, but one thing we all know and share is that we MUST be thin! And I'd love to be invisible but no. Instead people look at me like a disgusting pile of shit that they accidentally walked through. They treat me like some sort of diseased street urchin. Well they'll fucking swallow their tongues when I'm thin and beautiful.

So...here's a rant of why I'm pissed off. Colleges are so fucking unorganised. First, I get sent to the wrong tutor who has no idea what to do with me. Then they lose my file and no one knows where to put me. Then they decide that the programme I was going to do isn't done anymore so I have to completely redo my course programme. Then they decide that I don't have enough hours to qualify for full time student so I have to choose two other courses that I don't give a shit about, only to have one of them clash with photography so if we can't work it out I'm not gonna have enough hours to count as a full time student. And then my fucking phone died while I was near to tears and panicking and I couldn't even text my mum cos my fricking phone!

Fucking idiots.

As for my calorie count for today, so far it is around about 60 cals. My dad offered to get my a curry but I declined. I think my mum reckons it's just because I've had such a stupid day.

As for me now...I've been thinking throughout the day. And my general conclusion is that since I can't commit to anything in life because I only ever end up quitting, I shall commit to self destruction.
And no one will get in my way because it's my choice. How dare they think they own me enough to decide what I do to myself!
It's my body, my soul, my choice!

I have a stupid appointment tomorrow morning at Malborough House, which is a child psychiatric hospital and they want to put me on antidepressants.
Don't get me wrong, I guess I don't have anything against them, but they could be spending their time on someone who actually WANTS help, instead of someone who's already lost to them with no way out of the dark abyss and you know what? I don't want a way out. My way out was fucking foiled when my mum realised a pack of her tablets was missing so she bodjed that up.

Why are they so cruel? If it's my choice to smoke, or take drugs (which I don't do), or drink alcohol and my choice what music I listen to, what films I watch or what I wear, then surely it should be my choice alone as to whether I live or not.

Why would I want to live in this fat, ugly, clumsy body in a world full of sick bastards doing sicker things, where children get their legs blown off in some pointless war and people are diseased and dying. Okay, you know what, why don't you fuckers focus on the starving children in africa who NEED your help and get the fuck out my way!

Back off and leave me to it because I don't WANT help and I never will. If they won't let me do it I'll force my body to break down, I am beyond caring.

I'm sorry, that was a rather long rant, it's just I'm so mad right now.

xXx