Revelation

Urgh

So I said I'd update you. My weight has gone shooting straight back up to 151

However I've turned a negative into a positive from eating that stupid fucking cottage pie by having an awesome revelation. I ate it really slowly so it filled me up and I couldn't eat all of it, but while I was eating it I was really thinking about each mouthful and you know what I've discovered?
Eating is boring. It wasn't one of those 'oh my god this is so delicious'. It wasn't really bad tasting I suppose but it wasn't anything special and when I think about it, food in general is like that for me. I've been eaten too much for all these years when all I had to realise was that I never really enjoyed it.

All food is supposed to be is sustenance to keep us alive, to make our bodies work. We don't need to enjoy it. We don't need as much as people have everyday.
It's sad really. Our societies have become so consumeristic ( I don't know if that's a word but it is now!), where everything is so fast and no one really slows down to think if they really need what they're doing.

For the last few years my life has been a personal experiment, because generally I don't give a shit if it turns into an epic fail because I'm a failure anyway.
And by disecting my life and thoughts, I have discovered much. I don't understand alot of what I know, but people often mistake knowing for understanding.
For instance, people often say, 'I know what you mean.' Be that as it may, you don't fully understand and you never will, because you don't think the way I do and you aren't inside my head. Therefor you can never truly understand me, what I think and say, what I've been through or what I'm still going through.
Makes me feel kind of lonely but then I'm come to terms with my fate. I've always been a loner so it's nothing particularly new.

But let's get back to society for a moment. And the ever present thought of food and why we end up being fat and in reaction, obsessed with our weight. Not that I'm obsessed of course, but why it's such an important thing in the world today.
Everything's such chaos now. People and signs and adverts compelling and seducing you into buying things you don't need and probably don't even want so that they can make a profit for their own pockets. In return, you spend your life doing a job you hate (unless you get lucky and actually enjoy your job) to get paid with something you hate (I personally hate money) so that you can buy things you don't need and give the rest to greedy, hypocritical, bullshitting governments. It's a pointless cycle.

See it's like that guy says in Matrix Reloaded (I think, been a while since I watched that film), everything is cause and effect.

Because we're always expanding and finding new ways to do things, easier ways, it's brought about our own mutual self destruction.

And the problem? No one gives a shit. They turn a blind eye and accept it as law that this is how life is now, live with it!

My favourite thing to say at the moment : Everyday we're kicked in the nads and told to take it like a man!

We're on a converyer belt of bullshit. We get this pinned on smile to show the world and told to deal with it...but if we put one foot off the conveyer belt, an single cm out of line, and we're thrown in the trash!

Everyone's living in a fake, plastic, glorified bubble of mediocre normality. Well I have no bubble, glorified or otherwise.

You see (if anyone's seen Girl, Interrupted, you'll probably recognise this statement.), this supposed depression or whatever it is these people think I 'suffer' from, it's truth. That's all.

It let's me see the truth.

See when you're a kid, your force fed this bullshit about what the world is like, that truth, justice, love, everything that's 'good' wins the day. But no. 'Good' gets trampled in the dust by greed and arrogance and hatred.

So yes, I see the truth. I see that everything I believed about the world when I was little was a Lie. They Lied to me for thirteen fucking years, and now that I see what everything truly is, I'm the one that's ill?
I'm not sick, the world is!

But I think I've ranted enough today.
Please think on what I've said. My mother says I'm pressimistic. But actually I'm logical. If you look on the bright side and think something good's gonna happen and it doesn't, you're crushed. But if you don't expect it and something good does happen, you're pleasantly surprised.

xXx