eh, shall we not

Okay, I just tried for the last 20 minutes to make myself sick and no that isn't an exageration...nothing happened save for scratching the back of my throat and spitting out a tiny bit of blood.

So, either it's impossible for me to actually make myself sick, or I didn't eat and drink enough to throw up. (2 cups of coke, a cup of water, 2 kit kats and a cheese sandwhich).

I didn't even wimp out this time, I properly went for it.

So, either I eat and eat and eat until I actually throw up, or I don't eat at all.

I think not eating at all is probably a better way for me.

I hate this. I feel like I'm not making a physical effort to lose weight. I might go for a walk, just to clear my head.

At least if I could make myself throw up I would be doing something physical to commit to this. Fircing my body to break down is the only thing I can do, I have to let this destructive energy out and I'm not the kind of person who likes hurting other people, so I'll do it to myself, but at the same time I'd have it no other way. I like hurting myself. It makes me feel like I have some small bit of power. At least the pain let's me know I'm real.

I mean, I guess all pain is is a little spark in your brain to tell you something's damamged. Boy am I damaged lol.

God, I'm such a fat fucking failure...at like, everything. I failed school because I left early, I failed college cos I dropped out, I failed suicide cos I didn't take enough and now I'm failing this. I'm such a fucking disgusting bitch.

I hope you lovely people are having more success than I am.

xXx