Greetings and salutations
Well, it's boxing day. Had a great christmas, ate way more than is healthy but determined that'll change next christmas.
I had some awesome presents but even though not many people read my blog, I'd like to remind those who have stumbled across it that christmas isn't just about presents.
Although christmas has become materialistic, and it's supposed to be a happy time for everybody...sadly there are hundreds out there who don't get a happy christmas.
Some people don't get christmas, at all. We take this special day of the year for granted. We take being with our family for granted, we take the gifts and the food for granted.
I'm feeling very sympathetic towards those people in the world that don't have what I have today, or what I had yesterday.
Not only that, but on the 23rd of December, 3 days ago, it was my 18th birthday. Another time that people take for granted. You should always celebrate your birthday. In this chaotic world, you never know when it could be your last.
Despite the fact that I'm 18 now, I have consumed no alcohol. As a converted buddhist trainee, I do not drink anymore. It's unhealthy anyway. Besides, my family's prone to depression and alcohol is a depressant. That illness has claimed too many years from my families existance.
Although many people would probably find this a depressing and pessimistic post for one at christmas...I actually feel pretty good. I'm in a very reflective mood. I was thinking the other day...This year, 2009....it's almost over. A few days and we'll be in 2010. And that got me to thinking.
I'm always preaching about doing good and oh the world sucks and people should be doing more about it yadda yadda yadda.
Well...As many of you are aware, new years is a time of reflection and turning over new leaves, making new oths, new promises or renewing old ones.
I've hit the stage of reflection a few days early but as long as I'm reflecting anyway...
I was looking back on the year...and asking myself...what have I done this year? Have I come very far at all? In some ways, no, I haven't.
But, I'm looking at where I am inside myself compared to where I was. In august I tried to kill myself again. Needless to say I survived but the point is, now, almost 4 months down the line, I am feeling so alive, so ready for the world.
I believe that although I have made little progress physically, (after all, I'm still donig GCSE's at 18 for christs sake), I have come very far mentally.
I'm calmer, more relaxed, more determined, and actually more confident.
I still have troule controlling my emotions, especially anger...but they're no longer completely running me. I think that perhaps it's a good thing. I mean, I still ahve to learn to control them, but emotion helps us I think.
Anyways, pyschologically I believe I've come very far this year. A few days ago I was considering what a 'waste' this year has been. I've failed to practice what I've been preaching about saving the planet.
But in actuality, now that I've considered it more, this year hasn't been a waste at all. I think perhaps we have to save ourselves before we can save others...and I'm close to reaching safety within myself.
So by sorting myself out, I'm putting myself in a better position mentally to help others.
So this year hasn't been a waste at all. Besides, technically it wasn't a waste physically either because I got a job.
So this year wasn't bad...it was pretty important actually. Probably one of the most important years of my life.
My mum bought me a book on my star sign, Capricorn...and it says 2010 is going to be a successful year. I sure hope so.
Anyway, I'm gonna be off, got a few things to plan for the new year.
Hope everyone had a great christmas...let's hope that the fun and love we had during christmas was shared by as much of the world as possible.
Happy new year people!
Rhi xXx
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
My good deed
So, random day. There I am, sat in my mums chair in the living room staring idly out of the window, (I know, I lead such an interesting and exciting life xd), when I notice this big-ish black dog sat in our back garden. It's all cold and wet outside so I'm thinking, poor thing, can't just let him sit there. So I wait for a bit to see if an owner would come. No one did, so I opens the back door and crouched down, trying to make the dog come to me.
He ignored me for a while, then came closer and ignored me again. So I sat down properly to wait for him to accept that I wasn't going anywhere, andhe started barking which I must say scared the shit out of me, you never know how temperamental a dog can be, so I stayed as still as I could. Eventually he came closer and sniffed at me and I stroked him for a while. When I was sure he was used to me, I slowly stood up and let him come in. Then I panicked slightly cos I had no idea what to do. So I phoned my mum and she told me to check his collar for a phone number which I wasn't to enthusiastic about because he seemed kind of jumpy and I didn't really wanna lose my hand.
So eventually after much stroking, he was just sat next to me so I read his collar and phoned the number and the owner came and got him.
Boson his name was. He got away from his owner on a walk about 7 last night. Poor thing. No wonder he ate all my cats dinner.
so yeah.
I miss having a dog.
xXx
He ignored me for a while, then came closer and ignored me again. So I sat down properly to wait for him to accept that I wasn't going anywhere, andhe started barking which I must say scared the shit out of me, you never know how temperamental a dog can be, so I stayed as still as I could. Eventually he came closer and sniffed at me and I stroked him for a while. When I was sure he was used to me, I slowly stood up and let him come in. Then I panicked slightly cos I had no idea what to do. So I phoned my mum and she told me to check his collar for a phone number which I wasn't to enthusiastic about because he seemed kind of jumpy and I didn't really wanna lose my hand.
So eventually after much stroking, he was just sat next to me so I read his collar and phoned the number and the owner came and got him.
Boson his name was. He got away from his owner on a walk about 7 last night. Poor thing. No wonder he ate all my cats dinner.
so yeah.
I miss having a dog.
xXx
Monday, 7 December 2009
so...
It's 25 past 9 in the morning, been up since about half six.
Told my mum about Platform 2, she was fine with it, but I've gotta wait til she gets home to start on the whole Buddhism thing.
I don't think she'll mind too much, she's always said that it's my choice.
I feel so good at the moment. It's great. But I really have to get this shit hole of a room sorted out, which I'll begin doing in the new year. Gonna paint it and get new furniture and everything. It'll be so good to paint over all the shit writing on my walls. So depressing lol.
And get some furniture that isn't broken. Of course, it'll be nice when I can actually SEE my floor.
Total dumping ground lol.
So anyway, yeah, that's the update for this morning.
Might post later.
xXx
Told my mum about Platform 2, she was fine with it, but I've gotta wait til she gets home to start on the whole Buddhism thing.
I don't think she'll mind too much, she's always said that it's my choice.
I feel so good at the moment. It's great. But I really have to get this shit hole of a room sorted out, which I'll begin doing in the new year. Gonna paint it and get new furniture and everything. It'll be so good to paint over all the shit writing on my walls. So depressing lol.
And get some furniture that isn't broken. Of course, it'll be nice when I can actually SEE my floor.
Total dumping ground lol.
So anyway, yeah, that's the update for this morning.
Might post later.
xXx
Sunday, 6 December 2009
Today I...
So today I signed up to Platform 2, which is a government funded volunteer project that allows 'young people' (18-25) to travel abroad who wouldn't oterwise be able to do it.
I signed up to Jet Li's official website and as soon as I get paid I'm going to look into donating to his foundation, though I'm not sure how since it's china and america...I have to do it through pay pal, i know that much.
Anyway, as well as that, I also have to get my passport sorted out.
Oh yeah, and I actually have to tell my mother that I've signed up to go off to another country.
Oh and I've decided to convert to Buddism (no, it's not because Jet Li is a buddhist). Like I said (I think) in an earlier post, I've been reading the open road, and so much of it makes sense to me. It just feels right.
I've had so many doubts about being a pagan...and I just...Buddism fills me with this awesome feeling that paganism doesn't.
So yeah, that's the update for today, now I'm off to bed.
xXx
I signed up to Jet Li's official website and as soon as I get paid I'm going to look into donating to his foundation, though I'm not sure how since it's china and america...I have to do it through pay pal, i know that much.
Anyway, as well as that, I also have to get my passport sorted out.
Oh yeah, and I actually have to tell my mother that I've signed up to go off to another country.
Oh and I've decided to convert to Buddism (no, it's not because Jet Li is a buddhist). Like I said (I think) in an earlier post, I've been reading the open road, and so much of it makes sense to me. It just feels right.
I've had so many doubts about being a pagan...and I just...Buddism fills me with this awesome feeling that paganism doesn't.
So yeah, that's the update for today, now I'm off to bed.
xXx
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Kindred spirit!
I hope this works, check this out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iapYwsn02wU&NR=1
i have no idea if that works but if not just go on youtube and type in Jet Li and look for 'Jet Li's charity kick'.
Because this is what I'm talking about man! God, it's amazing. All my ranting and raving and here is a man that's seen straight to what I'm saying in a totally peaceful way.
So many times during behind the scenes bits in films (check out the BTS for Hero and Unleashed), he speaks of things coming from the heart and using emotion.
You don't have to like him as an actor or even respect his martial arts, but you can't doubt his heart!!!
He's an amazing person and he's pretty much an embodiment of my ideals.
I can't even begin to explain how happy I am at seeing this video, because he's been one of my favourite actors since I was like...six. And now, I see this video where he's basically saying what I've been saying...how it's nothing to do with colour or whatever, we're all human and we all need to help each other out.
Man, he's beautiful!
xXx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iapYwsn02wU&NR=1
i have no idea if that works but if not just go on youtube and type in Jet Li and look for 'Jet Li's charity kick'.
Because this is what I'm talking about man! God, it's amazing. All my ranting and raving and here is a man that's seen straight to what I'm saying in a totally peaceful way.
So many times during behind the scenes bits in films (check out the BTS for Hero and Unleashed), he speaks of things coming from the heart and using emotion.
You don't have to like him as an actor or even respect his martial arts, but you can't doubt his heart!!!
He's an amazing person and he's pretty much an embodiment of my ideals.
I can't even begin to explain how happy I am at seeing this video, because he's been one of my favourite actors since I was like...six. And now, I see this video where he's basically saying what I've been saying...how it's nothing to do with colour or whatever, we're all human and we all need to help each other out.
Man, he's beautiful!
xXx
Friday, 4 December 2009
been a while
I haven't posted in a long time. To be honest, I didn't know what to write because I wasn't as angry as usual. I'm still not, but I've realised that I don't need to be angry to blog.
Dying2bthin, don't feel bad about me changing the colour, it's no problem, I was having trouble reading it too. I feel very privilaged to have someone so interested in my blog, thank you.
To forgeinobject, or B. Thank you so very much for your comment. I'm glad you managed to turn your life around, and I'm glad you've managed to join so many others in doing good in the world, that fills me with great hope for the future. Therapy has helped me alot, purely for the fact that I had someone to just spill it out too. I was able to speak plainly. I'm naturally quite an open person, you know? I don't really have a problem talking about things. I like to talk.
Something else that has really helped me is just basically getting back interested in things that I've loved all my life, like martial arts, films, acting etc.
I'm currently reading a book called 'The Open Road' which is about the Dalai Lama. It's very good, very insightful and thought-provoking. The Dalai Lama seems to me to be very, very wise.
I've made great progress I think. I had a little falling out with my manager at work. Even half a year ago, if that had happened to me I would've quit within seconds. But it didn't really even cross my mind. I didn't quit.
And I am very proud of myself for that. It shows that I am getting past the things in my past that have held me back for so long, and I really feel that I'm getting somewhere.
I have finally decided once and for all exactly what I wanna do with my life, which is a great step I think. I know I've said about being an actor and film maker before but now I really know it's what I wanna do, for absolute sure. I had a few lingering doubts but now I'm certain it's the best path for me.
I really want to learn Kung Fu, but unfortuntely I can't afford the transportation to lessons at the moment, so I'll be learning Tae Kwon Do instead. I'm also looking into Kendo.
Hopefully I'll be able to persue my love of Kung Fu at University.
19 days until I'm 18. Kind of scary. I'll be an 'adult' once and for all. I'll have to truly take responsibilty and everything. It's huge but...it comes to all of us, right?
Still, I'm kind of looking forward to it now. It will give me more freedom to do what I need to do. People don't really take you seriously about things when you're a 'kid'. At least after I'm 18 I'll have more of a chance to do the things I want to do.
I always get childishly excited when it comes to christmas though. Great time of year ^_^
Anyways, I've gotta go to work soon, so I'll leave it there.
I hope everyone's doing great. Here's a little japanese proverb for you, "Fall down seven times, stand up eight."
Basically don't give up. And here's my favourite chinese one, which everyone should know. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it's called the present."
Keep smiling everyone, even when it hurts xXx
Dying2bthin, don't feel bad about me changing the colour, it's no problem, I was having trouble reading it too. I feel very privilaged to have someone so interested in my blog, thank you.
To forgeinobject, or B. Thank you so very much for your comment. I'm glad you managed to turn your life around, and I'm glad you've managed to join so many others in doing good in the world, that fills me with great hope for the future. Therapy has helped me alot, purely for the fact that I had someone to just spill it out too. I was able to speak plainly. I'm naturally quite an open person, you know? I don't really have a problem talking about things. I like to talk.
Something else that has really helped me is just basically getting back interested in things that I've loved all my life, like martial arts, films, acting etc.
I'm currently reading a book called 'The Open Road' which is about the Dalai Lama. It's very good, very insightful and thought-provoking. The Dalai Lama seems to me to be very, very wise.
I've made great progress I think. I had a little falling out with my manager at work. Even half a year ago, if that had happened to me I would've quit within seconds. But it didn't really even cross my mind. I didn't quit.
And I am very proud of myself for that. It shows that I am getting past the things in my past that have held me back for so long, and I really feel that I'm getting somewhere.
I have finally decided once and for all exactly what I wanna do with my life, which is a great step I think. I know I've said about being an actor and film maker before but now I really know it's what I wanna do, for absolute sure. I had a few lingering doubts but now I'm certain it's the best path for me.
I really want to learn Kung Fu, but unfortuntely I can't afford the transportation to lessons at the moment, so I'll be learning Tae Kwon Do instead. I'm also looking into Kendo.
Hopefully I'll be able to persue my love of Kung Fu at University.
19 days until I'm 18. Kind of scary. I'll be an 'adult' once and for all. I'll have to truly take responsibilty and everything. It's huge but...it comes to all of us, right?
Still, I'm kind of looking forward to it now. It will give me more freedom to do what I need to do. People don't really take you seriously about things when you're a 'kid'. At least after I'm 18 I'll have more of a chance to do the things I want to do.
I always get childishly excited when it comes to christmas though. Great time of year ^_^
Anyways, I've gotta go to work soon, so I'll leave it there.
I hope everyone's doing great. Here's a little japanese proverb for you, "Fall down seven times, stand up eight."
Basically don't give up. And here's my favourite chinese one, which everyone should know. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it's called the present."
Keep smiling everyone, even when it hurts xXx
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Today
I changed the text colour back to red for Dying2bthin, cos it hurt her eyes.
Sorry honey, I just thought that the red on black might have got a bit boring.
Might change it to black on red, what do you think??
Okay, so anways, I am currently 148 lbs. During the last few months since I started this blog, that didn't really mean much to me since it kept going up and down and up and down. But I'm excited this time because it's STAYED at 148 lbs.
This is a good sign for me. I haven't weighed under 150 for a very long time, and what's more, the other week, my mum showed me a picture of me from like a year or two ago compared to a picture or me when I first got my work uniform.
Now back when the other picture was taken, I was 163 lbs. So now can people see why being 148 lbs is such a huge thing for me? I mean, I know I have a LONG way to go, but it's still amazing for me.
Mum says that we're going to start playing badminton again after Christmas, which is fantastic because I love badminton and it's really physical when you get a good game on.
Also, I'm going to look into learning Tae Kwon Do. I have wanted to learn a martial arts since I was knee high to a grasshopper, I want to learn Kung Fu, but I don't think there's any close to where I live...actually, I've just had a thought. College sometimes do part time Kung Fu lessons. I might be able to do Kung Fu after all :D
So if I do both of them and I keep working my way down to eating less, I should lose some more weight.
I was talking about it with my mum. Not the not eating bit, just the wanting to lose weight bit and you know how usually when people are talking about it they say something like 'being thin won't solve all your troubles'. Well mum actually AGREED with me that being thin would solve most of mine because most of my issues are because I'm fat.
She said that I would probably be really confident if I were thinner. I'm like, one of the least confident people on the planet. But she says that I actually AM confident, because I have the guts to go out gothed up to the nines by myself. So if I were thinner, I would be my true confident self rather than this timid and shy little coward. Not the words she used but the words I would DEFINITELY use.
So yeah, I know that to attain any happiness in this world, I MUST GET THIN!
I actually know what I'm doing, and when I've gotten thin enough then I'll stop being supposedly 'obsessed', and I'll eat healthily. I just have to get to that point where I'm thin enough to start again.
I wanna try and lose as much weight as I can by next summer cos of going on a long weekend trip to Bournemouth.
Oh, and people say in the slimming magazines that it's a good idea to have a piece of clothing you want to be able to fit into. Well I have one. I have this quarterlength black denim coat with D rings down the back that makes me look horribly bulgy, but if I can lose weight, I can wear it and it'll look good I think.
So, I have my target weights. I have one deadline. I have a piece of clothing to inspire me. I have a plan of action.
I'm all set ^_^
So, I'll keep people posted. You know, I just can't wait until I can look in a full length mirror and be happy with what I see. That must be such an awesome feeling.
xXx
Sorry honey, I just thought that the red on black might have got a bit boring.
Might change it to black on red, what do you think??
Okay, so anways, I am currently 148 lbs. During the last few months since I started this blog, that didn't really mean much to me since it kept going up and down and up and down. But I'm excited this time because it's STAYED at 148 lbs.
This is a good sign for me. I haven't weighed under 150 for a very long time, and what's more, the other week, my mum showed me a picture of me from like a year or two ago compared to a picture or me when I first got my work uniform.
Now back when the other picture was taken, I was 163 lbs. So now can people see why being 148 lbs is such a huge thing for me? I mean, I know I have a LONG way to go, but it's still amazing for me.
Mum says that we're going to start playing badminton again after Christmas, which is fantastic because I love badminton and it's really physical when you get a good game on.
Also, I'm going to look into learning Tae Kwon Do. I have wanted to learn a martial arts since I was knee high to a grasshopper, I want to learn Kung Fu, but I don't think there's any close to where I live...actually, I've just had a thought. College sometimes do part time Kung Fu lessons. I might be able to do Kung Fu after all :D
So if I do both of them and I keep working my way down to eating less, I should lose some more weight.
I was talking about it with my mum. Not the not eating bit, just the wanting to lose weight bit and you know how usually when people are talking about it they say something like 'being thin won't solve all your troubles'. Well mum actually AGREED with me that being thin would solve most of mine because most of my issues are because I'm fat.
She said that I would probably be really confident if I were thinner. I'm like, one of the least confident people on the planet. But she says that I actually AM confident, because I have the guts to go out gothed up to the nines by myself. So if I were thinner, I would be my true confident self rather than this timid and shy little coward. Not the words she used but the words I would DEFINITELY use.
So yeah, I know that to attain any happiness in this world, I MUST GET THIN!
I actually know what I'm doing, and when I've gotten thin enough then I'll stop being supposedly 'obsessed', and I'll eat healthily. I just have to get to that point where I'm thin enough to start again.
I wanna try and lose as much weight as I can by next summer cos of going on a long weekend trip to Bournemouth.
Oh, and people say in the slimming magazines that it's a good idea to have a piece of clothing you want to be able to fit into. Well I have one. I have this quarterlength black denim coat with D rings down the back that makes me look horribly bulgy, but if I can lose weight, I can wear it and it'll look good I think.
So, I have my target weights. I have one deadline. I have a piece of clothing to inspire me. I have a plan of action.
I'm all set ^_^
So, I'll keep people posted. You know, I just can't wait until I can look in a full length mirror and be happy with what I see. That must be such an awesome feeling.
xXx
Sunday, 15 November 2009
November 15th 2009
God, I won't be eating for a fucking week!
At work, the kids have these things called Match Teas, which they have when the parents come in, I think it's for like their footballs matches and stuff. But anyway, their match teas the other day got cancelled because of the weather so they had all these cakes that didn't get eaten, so my manager gave me and the other catering assistant a load to take home.
I dread to think how many calories was in that lot.
I'm going to have to be extremely careful what I eat for the next few weeks.
In other news...
I asked Hope if she'd like to come to Bournemouth for an overnight stay with me and my mum and she said...*pause for dramatic effect*...YES!
So my manager said he'd get me a diary so I know when I have time off, cos I get time off when the kids go home (as it's a boarding school), so I'm gonna start planning that as soon as I know the dates.
I don't really know what else to say. I think though, that I might post some specific blogs. I don't know whether I mentioned in a previous post the book I wrote that made my mum suggest I start a blog??
Well I did, and she did, so I might post a few of the sections from that. You never know, some day my rants might actually make a difference to someone.
xXx
Don't Worry, Be Happy
At work, the kids have these things called Match Teas, which they have when the parents come in, I think it's for like their footballs matches and stuff. But anyway, their match teas the other day got cancelled because of the weather so they had all these cakes that didn't get eaten, so my manager gave me and the other catering assistant a load to take home.
I dread to think how many calories was in that lot.
I'm going to have to be extremely careful what I eat for the next few weeks.
In other news...
I asked Hope if she'd like to come to Bournemouth for an overnight stay with me and my mum and she said...*pause for dramatic effect*...YES!
So my manager said he'd get me a diary so I know when I have time off, cos I get time off when the kids go home (as it's a boarding school), so I'm gonna start planning that as soon as I know the dates.
I don't really know what else to say. I think though, that I might post some specific blogs. I don't know whether I mentioned in a previous post the book I wrote that made my mum suggest I start a blog??
Well I did, and she did, so I might post a few of the sections from that. You never know, some day my rants might actually make a difference to someone.
xXx
Don't Worry, Be Happy
Weird relationship with food
Isn't it strange. I decide I won't eat so that I can get thin. I end up overeating. So I say to myself, it's not working, I'll eat normally. I end up eating hardly anything and have lost a couple of lbs.
I dreamt about food the other night, and I couldn't bare to even look at food the day after, let alone eat it.
Now please, please, do not misunderstand me. I do NOT have an eating disorder. I eat. I just found it funny that I wanted to stop eating but couldn't, then I wanted to eat but couldn't.
I've always had a weird relationship with food. I would go on diets then give up then go back on them, then stop eating compeltely then eat loads. I can't remember a time when this didn't happen.
One of the easiest insults kids give each other is oh you're fat, even if whoever they're calling it isn't. And I was bullied alot so I had a lot of the 'you're so fat' comments. And I guess I was. Even when I was little.
I've always been chubby. The problem I had is when I got upset, I ate because it made me feel better for a while.
Now I really am fat and I have to do something about it. I've tried a normal diet and it didn't work. So I'm going to have to go to extremes. I like extremes. They make people look or listen.
If I'm going to grit my teeth through college and uni and being around *shudder* people, I'm sure as hell not gonna let that all go down the drain cos I'm FAT FAT FAT.
So, here I go again! It's gonna be hard when christmas rolls around, but I know I can do it.
xx
I dreamt about food the other night, and I couldn't bare to even look at food the day after, let alone eat it.
Now please, please, do not misunderstand me. I do NOT have an eating disorder. I eat. I just found it funny that I wanted to stop eating but couldn't, then I wanted to eat but couldn't.
I've always had a weird relationship with food. I would go on diets then give up then go back on them, then stop eating compeltely then eat loads. I can't remember a time when this didn't happen.
One of the easiest insults kids give each other is oh you're fat, even if whoever they're calling it isn't. And I was bullied alot so I had a lot of the 'you're so fat' comments. And I guess I was. Even when I was little.
I've always been chubby. The problem I had is when I got upset, I ate because it made me feel better for a while.
Now I really am fat and I have to do something about it. I've tried a normal diet and it didn't work. So I'm going to have to go to extremes. I like extremes. They make people look or listen.
If I'm going to grit my teeth through college and uni and being around *shudder* people, I'm sure as hell not gonna let that all go down the drain cos I'm FAT FAT FAT.
So, here I go again! It's gonna be hard when christmas rolls around, but I know I can do it.
xx
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Epiphany...again
Forgive me a bizarre chuckle.
If I didn't laugh, I'd cry. I just have to laugh now. The amount of times I've decided to do something then scared myself out of doing it by thoughts of failure.
My friend Hope and my mum have both assured me that if I try, I can make it to Uni and be a great film director.
I'm actually thankful right now that my mother ignored my letter. If she hadn't, I'm pretty sure I would have dropped out of college again. But I can't. I have to get through this year and go to uni and make something of myself.
My conviction is back, and hopefully it will stay for longer this time.
Hope you're all doing well.
xXx
If I didn't laugh, I'd cry. I just have to laugh now. The amount of times I've decided to do something then scared myself out of doing it by thoughts of failure.
My friend Hope and my mum have both assured me that if I try, I can make it to Uni and be a great film director.
I'm actually thankful right now that my mother ignored my letter. If she hadn't, I'm pretty sure I would have dropped out of college again. But I can't. I have to get through this year and go to uni and make something of myself.
My conviction is back, and hopefully it will stay for longer this time.
Hope you're all doing well.
xXx
Friday, 13 November 2009
a storm is brewing
Before I start this post I just wanna say, whoa, I had no idea how long my last post was. God, I sure can ramble.
Anyways, this post. A storm is brewing in my house and in my head. In my house because my mum has pointedly ignored my letter of dropping out of college, which is where I am right now. Only bright side is the internet seems to be working at home again.
In my head because every little thing is pissing me off more and I have a pressure behind my eyes.
But anyho.
I went to the library yesterday instead of lessons, and I tracked down 'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher. Excellent book, she writes with a brilliant mixture of beautiful poetic descriptions and blunt, even crude ones.
I relate to alot of stuff she says, especially about having all these ambitions like oh i'm gonna be this, no i'm gonna be this, I'm gonna be this and this and this, and not actually following any of them through.
Anyway, if mum won't let me drop out, I'll be kicked out, which means I'm gonna go use up the £2 ish printing credit I have left.
I hate getting into family feuds this close to christmas.
xXx
Anyways, this post. A storm is brewing in my house and in my head. In my house because my mum has pointedly ignored my letter of dropping out of college, which is where I am right now. Only bright side is the internet seems to be working at home again.
In my head because every little thing is pissing me off more and I have a pressure behind my eyes.
But anyho.
I went to the library yesterday instead of lessons, and I tracked down 'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher. Excellent book, she writes with a brilliant mixture of beautiful poetic descriptions and blunt, even crude ones.
I relate to alot of stuff she says, especially about having all these ambitions like oh i'm gonna be this, no i'm gonna be this, I'm gonna be this and this and this, and not actually following any of them through.
Anyway, if mum won't let me drop out, I'll be kicked out, which means I'm gonna go use up the £2 ish printing credit I have left.
I hate getting into family feuds this close to christmas.
xXx
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Internet Dysfuntionality
My internet at home isn't working so I have to use the college computer. This sucks cos it's in the library so you don't have any privacy.
I should be in Photography right now but I'm not in the mood to be squished in a class full of people and even worse, I left my black book at home so I have to rant in a normal pad of paper.
My good mood has evaporated like those salt water experiments you do at school and all that's left is the bitter salt.
My mum thinks if she keeps making me go to college that I'll get over my hatred and fear of people and it won't effect me so much. But her plan is flawed considering this is my third year at college and I still hate it.
I still wanna just stay home and write but she won't let me. Guess she doesn't have as much faith in my stories as she pretends she has.
Good thing about it being thursday is that I don't have work tonight. I like work and everything but you have to be all smiley and I hate having to smile when I'm in a bad mood.
An acquaintence at college was chatting to me today, and we were talking about food and eating and stuff, and she was saying how she never used to eat and was like a size 6. Her collar bones still stick out. It's awesome. I'd love it if my collar bones stuck out like that.
It's not fair.
And there's this girl that's one of Immy's friends (Immy's nice enough to let me stay round her house so I can go to Winter Solstice at Avebury in December), who's a Wiccan, and it's like 'look at her, that's how wiccan's are supposed to be, all light and helpful and nice'.
And then there's me. The demon child of white horse road!
It's not like I'm cruel.
You know, I was thinking last night, that it's ridiculous for me to waste my time in education that I will never use to get onto a Uni course I will most likely fail so that I can get into a position to actually help people. Because there's plenty of people right now who need help and I can't do fuck all about it because I'm this fucking crappy little student at college with no influence in politics and no way of doing anything.
It's now that people are supposed to be helping. In fact, it was years ago. By the time I'm old enough and in a position to actually do anything, it'll be too late.
Which means I've already failed...like the rest of the stinking human race!
Which as you can imagine does little to repair my confidence.
Besides, it's not like anyone listens to me anyway.
And I know, all this fucking self centred whining is probably doint people's heads in.
Well that's my blog. Whining, ranting and raving in generally stupid fashion.
Got a malborough house appointment coming up. Joy. They think I'm making it up.
In fact, they probably think the same as anonymous did. That it's all attention seeking.
Fine, I don't really give a shit if that's what people wanna think.
Aren't we all so glad to be alive!!!!!
I hope anyone reading this took note of the sarcasm!
So frustrating. It's a nightmare. Like one of them dreams where you're trying to scream but no sound's coming out.
Or you're trying to run away and you're not getting anywhere.
Creepy. So perhaps I should leave the world to self-destruction. Leave them all to their fucking superficial, shallow discussions.
They HAVE enough food to get fat.
They HAVE enough clothes to bitch about each others' fashion sense.
The don't have to give a shit. It's not their problem, is it.
As long as they have their phones and their cars and their money. It's not enough to just give money to some charity every month. I wanna get out there and do it myself. I wanna physically go to Africa or wherever and personally hand food over to them starving families or go cut an elephant out of a poachers trap. Not pay someone a couple of quid a month to go do it.
I wanna do these things myself. And I can't cos I'm not old enough and I don't have enough money.
Which is why I wanted to be a film director and actor. Cos it's doing something I love to do something even better.
But it's all fucking people. But if I write, I won't make enough money to be able to do it.
I mean, JK Rowling got lucky. My books are never gonna get that! Still, it's what I want. I want to write. That's what I wanna do.
But mum won't let me. She wants me to go off to Uni and be a big star. Even if I went to Uni I wouldn't be a big star. Certainly not acting. People want beautiful people in their films. I'm not deluded, I know I ain't good lookin' and it's a fucking insult to my intelligence to try and tell me otherwise.
And I'm not assertive or decisive enough, or sociable enough, to be a film director. The first minute we run into trouble, which happens on every film, I'll panic and fuck it all up.
The only thing I have a chance at is writing. But mum refuses to see that because she wants at least one of us to make it big.
Since I'm the last child, the pressures on. People wanted me to be the one to finish school properly and I didn't.
Now they want me to go to Uni. Well Giz is at Uni. Let her be the one to make it big. Why can't I just be the one to stay home and look after things and just...why can't they let me be?
I want to write. That's all I wanna do.
Maybe if I fail these GCSE's mum will finally get it. I know I'm going to fail them. It's just something I know. My emotions get in the way, I skip lessons, I fail. Simple as. It's not exactly fucking rocket science and you don't need to be a fucking genius to see that I will NEVER, EVER function well in Social Situations so why can't I just work my arse off at getting published.
I mean, I have a part time job, so I have a little income to support myself while I'm writing.
People push me and push me to get social and deal with it all. It's happened before, twice. And both times, I've ended up snapping and doing something stupid.
It's gonna keep happening every time they push me cos I can't handle fucking...people.
I just can't, whether they like it or not. I hate to disappoint everyone but that's just the way I am.
I guess all I can do is try and persuade my mum that the best thing for me is to try and get somewhere writing.
I'm not acting impulsively.
She thinks I keep acting impulsively when I drop courses and the like and I always regret.
It's not regretting the loss of education I regret. The thing I regret is not being able to be sociable and nice and happy around people.
I wish she'd fucking get that into her head.
Well enough ranting, I'm gonna go off and do something productive with this waste of a day where I could be at home writing but instead I'm skipping lessons in the fucking library!
xXx
I should be in Photography right now but I'm not in the mood to be squished in a class full of people and even worse, I left my black book at home so I have to rant in a normal pad of paper.
My good mood has evaporated like those salt water experiments you do at school and all that's left is the bitter salt.
My mum thinks if she keeps making me go to college that I'll get over my hatred and fear of people and it won't effect me so much. But her plan is flawed considering this is my third year at college and I still hate it.
I still wanna just stay home and write but she won't let me. Guess she doesn't have as much faith in my stories as she pretends she has.
Good thing about it being thursday is that I don't have work tonight. I like work and everything but you have to be all smiley and I hate having to smile when I'm in a bad mood.
An acquaintence at college was chatting to me today, and we were talking about food and eating and stuff, and she was saying how she never used to eat and was like a size 6. Her collar bones still stick out. It's awesome. I'd love it if my collar bones stuck out like that.
It's not fair.
And there's this girl that's one of Immy's friends (Immy's nice enough to let me stay round her house so I can go to Winter Solstice at Avebury in December), who's a Wiccan, and it's like 'look at her, that's how wiccan's are supposed to be, all light and helpful and nice'.
And then there's me. The demon child of white horse road!
It's not like I'm cruel.
You know, I was thinking last night, that it's ridiculous for me to waste my time in education that I will never use to get onto a Uni course I will most likely fail so that I can get into a position to actually help people. Because there's plenty of people right now who need help and I can't do fuck all about it because I'm this fucking crappy little student at college with no influence in politics and no way of doing anything.
It's now that people are supposed to be helping. In fact, it was years ago. By the time I'm old enough and in a position to actually do anything, it'll be too late.
Which means I've already failed...like the rest of the stinking human race!
Which as you can imagine does little to repair my confidence.
Besides, it's not like anyone listens to me anyway.
And I know, all this fucking self centred whining is probably doint people's heads in.
Well that's my blog. Whining, ranting and raving in generally stupid fashion.
Got a malborough house appointment coming up. Joy. They think I'm making it up.
In fact, they probably think the same as anonymous did. That it's all attention seeking.
Fine, I don't really give a shit if that's what people wanna think.
Aren't we all so glad to be alive!!!!!
I hope anyone reading this took note of the sarcasm!
So frustrating. It's a nightmare. Like one of them dreams where you're trying to scream but no sound's coming out.
Or you're trying to run away and you're not getting anywhere.
Creepy. So perhaps I should leave the world to self-destruction. Leave them all to their fucking superficial, shallow discussions.
They HAVE enough food to get fat.
They HAVE enough clothes to bitch about each others' fashion sense.
The don't have to give a shit. It's not their problem, is it.
As long as they have their phones and their cars and their money. It's not enough to just give money to some charity every month. I wanna get out there and do it myself. I wanna physically go to Africa or wherever and personally hand food over to them starving families or go cut an elephant out of a poachers trap. Not pay someone a couple of quid a month to go do it.
I wanna do these things myself. And I can't cos I'm not old enough and I don't have enough money.
Which is why I wanted to be a film director and actor. Cos it's doing something I love to do something even better.
But it's all fucking people. But if I write, I won't make enough money to be able to do it.
I mean, JK Rowling got lucky. My books are never gonna get that! Still, it's what I want. I want to write. That's what I wanna do.
But mum won't let me. She wants me to go off to Uni and be a big star. Even if I went to Uni I wouldn't be a big star. Certainly not acting. People want beautiful people in their films. I'm not deluded, I know I ain't good lookin' and it's a fucking insult to my intelligence to try and tell me otherwise.
And I'm not assertive or decisive enough, or sociable enough, to be a film director. The first minute we run into trouble, which happens on every film, I'll panic and fuck it all up.
The only thing I have a chance at is writing. But mum refuses to see that because she wants at least one of us to make it big.
Since I'm the last child, the pressures on. People wanted me to be the one to finish school properly and I didn't.
Now they want me to go to Uni. Well Giz is at Uni. Let her be the one to make it big. Why can't I just be the one to stay home and look after things and just...why can't they let me be?
I want to write. That's all I wanna do.
Maybe if I fail these GCSE's mum will finally get it. I know I'm going to fail them. It's just something I know. My emotions get in the way, I skip lessons, I fail. Simple as. It's not exactly fucking rocket science and you don't need to be a fucking genius to see that I will NEVER, EVER function well in Social Situations so why can't I just work my arse off at getting published.
I mean, I have a part time job, so I have a little income to support myself while I'm writing.
People push me and push me to get social and deal with it all. It's happened before, twice. And both times, I've ended up snapping and doing something stupid.
It's gonna keep happening every time they push me cos I can't handle fucking...people.
I just can't, whether they like it or not. I hate to disappoint everyone but that's just the way I am.
I guess all I can do is try and persuade my mum that the best thing for me is to try and get somewhere writing.
I'm not acting impulsively.
She thinks I keep acting impulsively when I drop courses and the like and I always regret.
It's not regretting the loss of education I regret. The thing I regret is not being able to be sociable and nice and happy around people.
I wish she'd fucking get that into her head.
Well enough ranting, I'm gonna go off and do something productive with this waste of a day where I could be at home writing but instead I'm skipping lessons in the fucking library!
xXx
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Basking in the moonlight
Unfortunately that's not what I'm doing right now but I'll explain that in a minute. First off, I'd like to say a big thank you to M. You have been here watching and commenting through since I started this blog and you've only ever said nice things. I apologise for the length of my last post, I do have a tendancy to ramble as I'm sure you've noticed XD. Thanks sweet pea. *hugs*
Right. The title is because I wish I was actually basking in the moonlight right now, I love the way moon light is so silvery and makes everything glow, it's beautiful. Even if you're not the most attractive person in the world, a little moonlight goes a long way :)
I wish I had wings. I would love to be an angel and be able to fly high in the sky. And though I guess it would be cool to go on a plane and since that's the only way to get so high, I do really wanna go on a plane, but if I had wings, it would be so much better than basically being flung through the air in a metal tube.
Things are clearer up there above the clouds and the air up there must be so pure. Maybe even better than fresh mountain air.
How I long to breath in the purity of air that hasn't been poisoned by the human race.
To lie beneath tree branches without the worry that I'll be disturbed by strangers, or have to listen to nearby traffic. Or walk along the beach for hours just listening to the sighing of the sea as it slides up the sand without having it ruined by rubbish and screaming children.
I'd love to live by the sea. In fact, that's what I plan to do if I can ever afford it. Buy a lovely house by the sea in a remote location, with a boat and a pier.
That is my dream. My realistic one anyway. My real dream is to fly with the angels, but I don't see that happening some how, so I'll have to settle with finding a nice quiet place by the sea.
Most of my December wages are going to the Born Free Foundation. I did sign up for Dogs Trust as well, but I'm not allowed to actually sponsor a dog until I'm 18, but that's only in december anyway so I don't have to wait too long.
So now you know my dream. In the mean time, I have to finish enough GCSE's so that I can take the Creative and Media Diploma next year in order to get into Uni, hopefully the University College of the Arts in Bournemouth to do a BA in Film Production. Then I want to get my name known as a film director/actress/writer, and when I've built up my career enough, I'm gonna set up an organisation that helps everyone and everything. GOTE. Guardians Of The Earth :)
A bit cheesy I admit, but that's what I believe the human race is truly supposed to be. Why else would we be so different from all the other creatures? I think it's our responsibility to take care of this planet, Mother Earth.
After all, she's a wondrous beauty and all we're doing to her at the moment is destroying and scarring her.
I intend on spurring people into action to give her back her spirit.
So that's the plan. Stay tuned to see how it goes XD :P
xXx
Right. The title is because I wish I was actually basking in the moonlight right now, I love the way moon light is so silvery and makes everything glow, it's beautiful. Even if you're not the most attractive person in the world, a little moonlight goes a long way :)
I wish I had wings. I would love to be an angel and be able to fly high in the sky. And though I guess it would be cool to go on a plane and since that's the only way to get so high, I do really wanna go on a plane, but if I had wings, it would be so much better than basically being flung through the air in a metal tube.
Things are clearer up there above the clouds and the air up there must be so pure. Maybe even better than fresh mountain air.
How I long to breath in the purity of air that hasn't been poisoned by the human race.
To lie beneath tree branches without the worry that I'll be disturbed by strangers, or have to listen to nearby traffic. Or walk along the beach for hours just listening to the sighing of the sea as it slides up the sand without having it ruined by rubbish and screaming children.
I'd love to live by the sea. In fact, that's what I plan to do if I can ever afford it. Buy a lovely house by the sea in a remote location, with a boat and a pier.
That is my dream. My realistic one anyway. My real dream is to fly with the angels, but I don't see that happening some how, so I'll have to settle with finding a nice quiet place by the sea.
Most of my December wages are going to the Born Free Foundation. I did sign up for Dogs Trust as well, but I'm not allowed to actually sponsor a dog until I'm 18, but that's only in december anyway so I don't have to wait too long.
So now you know my dream. In the mean time, I have to finish enough GCSE's so that I can take the Creative and Media Diploma next year in order to get into Uni, hopefully the University College of the Arts in Bournemouth to do a BA in Film Production. Then I want to get my name known as a film director/actress/writer, and when I've built up my career enough, I'm gonna set up an organisation that helps everyone and everything. GOTE. Guardians Of The Earth :)
A bit cheesy I admit, but that's what I believe the human race is truly supposed to be. Why else would we be so different from all the other creatures? I think it's our responsibility to take care of this planet, Mother Earth.
After all, she's a wondrous beauty and all we're doing to her at the moment is destroying and scarring her.
I intend on spurring people into action to give her back her spirit.
So that's the plan. Stay tuned to see how it goes XD :P
xXx
Monday, 9 November 2009
New found conviction
Before I can explain what I'm feeling at the moment, let me just type up a part of my journal. I always keep a journal that I call my 'black book'. Ironically I'm on my seventh and only one of them has ever actually been black.
Anyway, my Black Book is where I rant and rave to get it out of me. I take it everywhere. I learnt that trick from the film Girl, Interrupted.
I've always been very emotional and I couldn't seem to find a way through it, even when I was very little. But I sat and watched that when I was about...11 or 12. I finished watching it and I thought, right, I'm gonna start a journal. So I did, and I've had one ever since. I only have 3 of my old ones. I burned the rest, though I must admist, I regret it now. I miss them in a funny kind of way. But anyway, I'm getting off the point.
Now I'll type a few pages of my current Black Book.
~-~ (I always do these symbols at the beginning of a new entry)
Urgh. Where to start. It's been a bad couple of days. Nothing particularly bad has happened, but I've just been feeling extremely bad.
I don't wanna come to college anymore but mum won't let me drop out cos she thinks I'll regret it which I might but this is the tird time I've tried coming to college and ended up hating it. It just happened much faster than usual this time.
I hate going out, I don't want to keep coming out.
And I hate people. I hate being around people. None of that is ever going to change no matter how many times I come here.
I know mum's just trying to do the best for me and wants me to do well and I love her and don't wanna disappoint her, but...everytime I go out I end up feeling shit.
And all this self-fucking pity isn't doing me any good but still...I wish I could stay home and write stories. That way, I won't have to go out every singly day except for work.
I can spend the day writing rather than coming out and slowly coming undone again.
But then...mum wants me to go to University, become a great film-maker and a big part of me wants that to...
But I don't function well in society and the film business is very social and pressurized.
However, if I stay home and write, it'll be tonnes better...but then when I'm stuck on a story I'll get bored again.
And if I just stayed home to write, no one would be very proud of me.
Mum thinks I'm doing well cos I'm getting out and donig things and I've got a job and everything,
If I stop now, she'll be disappointed.
But I'm so tired and I think my headaches are coming back.
I'm certainly developing one now.
I'm meeting mum in Cafe Nero so I'll have to be all smiley and happy for her and it's so...tiring.
I'm just so tired all the time.
How can I tell her everything and go to her for help when it upsets her.
Besides she has enough on her plate with Ros and work without worrying about me as well.
Ros is doing well. Not smoking. She's got a trip to Venice coming up in February. But Student Loan's been fucking her about ando not smoking, she's very stressed out right now.
Dads as bipolar as ever.
One minute he's all smiles, next minute he's arguing with everything and everyone.
There's so much I would like to scream at him but he never listens.
But then...there's alot I'd like to do...but I don't know how to do any of it.
I just know that mum has to keep thinking I'm better cos she's got enough to worry about. She's been through enough already.
But how can I decide what to do without letting on that I'm still screwed up and unsure?
I could just try again. But what would that do to mum? I don't like the idea of leaving her behind. But even if I went to Uni, tried to make something of myself...I'd be leaving her behind.
Why is everything so complicated?
I know that 's such a cliched question...but it's true, nothing's simple anymore.
Nothings been simple for a long time.
Come to think of it, nothing was ever simple, but you don't always see it as a child.
And maybe I'm just a child for wishing I could go back to not knowing.
But anything I choose...I'm alone. Mum can't hold me hand forever.
Maybe that's what I really want.
That hand to hold when I'm scared.
But it doesn't work that way, does it?
I'd give anything to be special, to be something so great and kind and generous and helpful that people would say "wow, she must be an angel"
But I'm not good enough to be an angel.
Besides...me wanting that clearly shows I'm just a selfish cow.
After all, daddy said nobody does something selflessly...completely for someone else without thought of personal gain.
I'm not good enough to just help other people. I'm only thinking of myself. SELFISH.
Maybe I really am EVIL.
But I don't wanna be. I want to be a good person, a selfless person.
There must be a way for me to help...to make the world a better place...After all, everyone has a purpose right? What greater purpose is there than that?
Then again, I don't know for sure what my purpose is. Maybe the reason why I keep failing is because that's not my purpose...Maybe I'm not good enough for that task. MAybe if I try...I'd get in the way of whoever's really supposed to do it. Maybe I'd just make things worse.
I couldn't bear it if I did.
After all, Hitler started out with good intentions and look what happened there!!! The majority of people think he's completely evil.
I don't think that's true, I think he just went mad.
What if I end up going mad? What if I am already?
People seem to avoid me...maybe that's why. Do you know if you're mad?
God, what am I supposed to do? How do I know if I'm doing the right thing?
Why is it so hard?
Well, you didn't expect it to be EASY did you?
Just think about that bit in Pocahontas. Grandmother Willow puts her vine in the water and the ripples spread.
"Look how they grow, but someone has to start them."
But I can't do it, can I?
People who do stuff like that are people with great hearts and minds like Mother Theresa.
HOw could I possibly be like that?
I quit everythng, I have a foul temper, I'm selfish, I have an ugly soul as well as an ugly body, I'm huge and I'm about as useful as trying to delicately carve clay with a brick.
Oh yeah, and the minor little detail that there's the STRONG possibility that I'm an EVIL DEMON CHILD WHO DESTROYS EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES!!!
I was fucking up before I was even born, what the fuck can I do? Besides...no one listens to me.
~-~
I've cheered up a bit so I'm in an alright mood right now.
I managed to keep a happy face for mummy. Nanna Chris bought me a gorgeous T-rex teddy that I've dubbed Rexy, as an early b-day pressie.
I'm still so unsure what to do.
Surely I would be an even worse person if I didn't at least try to make a differnce to the world.
I wish I could make it from the safety of my room but I know it won't be that easy.
The problem is that every time I make up my mind that I've got to try and help the world, all these doubts and fears rise to the surface.
They start screaming through my head and make me even more miserable.
But even if it isn't my purpose in life, surely it's my duty and responsibility as both a pagan and a human being.
Much as it upsets me, I am a part of the human race and that means I have a responsibility to practice what I preach, no matter how difficult or frustrating it may be.
Though I know this new-found determintation and conviction won't last long (it never does), I know that I've got to at least try.
If I don't, a hypocrite is the nicest thing I'd be!
"I don't know what I can do,
Still I know I've got to try
Eagle help my feet to fly
Mountain help my heart be great"
- Pocahontas.
If I can make it as a director and actress and writer, if I can get even a small amount of fame and fortune, I could show the rest of the world what can be done with it.
Uncle Spot told me once that money changes you no matter what your intentions may be.
What if I get corrupted by that power like so many others?
I can't let that happen. I won't.
But people listen to those with celebrity status and wealth.
But if I got to that point and started to show people that things have to change, would they just laugh at me?
Kick the ladder of fame out from under me?
So many things could go wrong. But then again, maybe I should think more like Mestraal from 'Angel' by Cliff McNish.
He told Freya that you can't just choose the easy road just cos another one might get painful.
I feel like someone up there is trying to tell me something that seems like it should be obvious but I'm still not getting it.
That I should grit my teeth and try and do all I can for the world?
Or is that pompous and arrogant of me to think that I could undertake such an important task?
Still, mum says it's not my job, that I can't help everyone.
Maybe that's exactly what I need to try and do. Maybe if people see a single person trying to help many, it'll spur them to help too.
But how can anyone ever look up to you?
You'll probably fall flat on your face as always.
You know, I think the voice in my head that tells me to quit and give up is just saying that cos it's a coward!
Maybe the girl cringing in the corner of my mind ain't me. Maybe it's actually the voice telling me to stop trying. Maybe she's just scared of failing.
It hurts so much to fail.
But that's what giving up is, isn't it? It's just another way of failing.
Every time I fall into my little black hole, it gets deeper and faster to fall.
It's like a knife geting closer to the center of my heart.
And each time it's harder to stop.
What am I supposed to do against a force more powerful than me? How am I supposed to battle my demons and the worlds?
I don't know, but if I don't try, I'm gonna die.
I know that as clearly as I know this pen has black ink!
It just seems like I think so much differently from everyone else.
So that was from my black book. I know, a little rambly huh? I do have a habit of babbling my way through my troubles lol.
So anyway, to reiterate. I have this new found sense of determination and conviction that if I'm staying in the world, I'm going to do every damn thing I can to help it.
I'm going to open a savings account and put money in there every pay day. Then, when I'm older and have saved up loads, I'm gonna build a great organisation to help every single person, creature and flora on this planet. To help the planet itself. I mean after all, the Earth is our ultimate mother.
It just seems polite that we give something back to her, that's all.
While I was typing out this post, I realised something. I figured out exactly why I started this blog. I remembered something my mum said. I wrote this book called World through the eyes of the weirdo kid. And I haven't been able to get it published, seems they only want to publish famous people's ideas. So anyway, I was read it to my mum and she said, why don't you start a blog? And I said, okay, I will. Maybe then people will start paying attention. (And in reference to a comment a few posts back, no not attention to me!) Attention to the dire straights this planet is in.
I mean, look around. We're treating this planet appaulingly. We just take take take, and we're giving almost nothing back. As my mother repeatedly tells me, there are some people trying to help, organistations like WWF, Born Free Foundation, RSPCC, Oxfam etc.
But my point is that it's a minority. People still don't care. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make people care!
I just don't know how. But we've got to do something. Theoretically this world should last way past the extinction of the human race. But thanks to our self-centred ways, when the human race does come to an end, we'll be taking the world with us.
Well...not if I can help it!!!
I want this blog to someday reach millions, to show people why they must act.
And as for my eating? Well, I have been eating. In fact I don't want to think about how much I ate at my sisters engagement party, which I managed to get to. I find that it's actually easier for me not to over eat when I'm not constantly worrying about what I eat. I hope that makes sense.
But I hope that my followers won't dismiss me just because I'm eating normally again. I don't think they will though. I was never Pro-ana in the first place. And no, I'm not going to go post on all your blogs that you should eat properly or that you're sick. Most of you know that you're not well, and I know it's not something you can just stop. I just hope that one day in the not too distant future you see that even if you have a bit of meat on your bones, you're still beautiful.
You know, this might sound cheesy, but Beauty is my favourite word in the whole wide world. You know why? Because no matter where you are, or who you're with, whether you hate someone or love someone. If you look hard enough, you can see beauty in everything.
And that seems a good place to leave it for today.
Hope anyone reading this has stuff to think about and if not, well, I'm not going to stop trying.
Stay strong everybody.
xXx
Anyway, my Black Book is where I rant and rave to get it out of me. I take it everywhere. I learnt that trick from the film Girl, Interrupted.
I've always been very emotional and I couldn't seem to find a way through it, even when I was very little. But I sat and watched that when I was about...11 or 12. I finished watching it and I thought, right, I'm gonna start a journal. So I did, and I've had one ever since. I only have 3 of my old ones. I burned the rest, though I must admist, I regret it now. I miss them in a funny kind of way. But anyway, I'm getting off the point.
Now I'll type a few pages of my current Black Book.
~-~ (I always do these symbols at the beginning of a new entry)
Urgh. Where to start. It's been a bad couple of days. Nothing particularly bad has happened, but I've just been feeling extremely bad.
I don't wanna come to college anymore but mum won't let me drop out cos she thinks I'll regret it which I might but this is the tird time I've tried coming to college and ended up hating it. It just happened much faster than usual this time.
I hate going out, I don't want to keep coming out.
And I hate people. I hate being around people. None of that is ever going to change no matter how many times I come here.
I know mum's just trying to do the best for me and wants me to do well and I love her and don't wanna disappoint her, but...everytime I go out I end up feeling shit.
And all this self-fucking pity isn't doing me any good but still...I wish I could stay home and write stories. That way, I won't have to go out every singly day except for work.
I can spend the day writing rather than coming out and slowly coming undone again.
But then...mum wants me to go to University, become a great film-maker and a big part of me wants that to...
But I don't function well in society and the film business is very social and pressurized.
However, if I stay home and write, it'll be tonnes better...but then when I'm stuck on a story I'll get bored again.
And if I just stayed home to write, no one would be very proud of me.
Mum thinks I'm doing well cos I'm getting out and donig things and I've got a job and everything,
If I stop now, she'll be disappointed.
But I'm so tired and I think my headaches are coming back.
I'm certainly developing one now.
I'm meeting mum in Cafe Nero so I'll have to be all smiley and happy for her and it's so...tiring.
I'm just so tired all the time.
How can I tell her everything and go to her for help when it upsets her.
Besides she has enough on her plate with Ros and work without worrying about me as well.
Ros is doing well. Not smoking. She's got a trip to Venice coming up in February. But Student Loan's been fucking her about ando not smoking, she's very stressed out right now.
Dads as bipolar as ever.
One minute he's all smiles, next minute he's arguing with everything and everyone.
There's so much I would like to scream at him but he never listens.
But then...there's alot I'd like to do...but I don't know how to do any of it.
I just know that mum has to keep thinking I'm better cos she's got enough to worry about. She's been through enough already.
But how can I decide what to do without letting on that I'm still screwed up and unsure?
I could just try again. But what would that do to mum? I don't like the idea of leaving her behind. But even if I went to Uni, tried to make something of myself...I'd be leaving her behind.
Why is everything so complicated?
I know that 's such a cliched question...but it's true, nothing's simple anymore.
Nothings been simple for a long time.
Come to think of it, nothing was ever simple, but you don't always see it as a child.
And maybe I'm just a child for wishing I could go back to not knowing.
But anything I choose...I'm alone. Mum can't hold me hand forever.
Maybe that's what I really want.
That hand to hold when I'm scared.
But it doesn't work that way, does it?
I'd give anything to be special, to be something so great and kind and generous and helpful that people would say "wow, she must be an angel"
But I'm not good enough to be an angel.
Besides...me wanting that clearly shows I'm just a selfish cow.
After all, daddy said nobody does something selflessly...completely for someone else without thought of personal gain.
I'm not good enough to just help other people. I'm only thinking of myself. SELFISH.
Maybe I really am EVIL.
But I don't wanna be. I want to be a good person, a selfless person.
There must be a way for me to help...to make the world a better place...After all, everyone has a purpose right? What greater purpose is there than that?
Then again, I don't know for sure what my purpose is. Maybe the reason why I keep failing is because that's not my purpose...Maybe I'm not good enough for that task. MAybe if I try...I'd get in the way of whoever's really supposed to do it. Maybe I'd just make things worse.
I couldn't bear it if I did.
After all, Hitler started out with good intentions and look what happened there!!! The majority of people think he's completely evil.
I don't think that's true, I think he just went mad.
What if I end up going mad? What if I am already?
People seem to avoid me...maybe that's why. Do you know if you're mad?
God, what am I supposed to do? How do I know if I'm doing the right thing?
Why is it so hard?
Well, you didn't expect it to be EASY did you?
Just think about that bit in Pocahontas. Grandmother Willow puts her vine in the water and the ripples spread.
"Look how they grow, but someone has to start them."
But I can't do it, can I?
People who do stuff like that are people with great hearts and minds like Mother Theresa.
HOw could I possibly be like that?
I quit everythng, I have a foul temper, I'm selfish, I have an ugly soul as well as an ugly body, I'm huge and I'm about as useful as trying to delicately carve clay with a brick.
Oh yeah, and the minor little detail that there's the STRONG possibility that I'm an EVIL DEMON CHILD WHO DESTROYS EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES!!!
I was fucking up before I was even born, what the fuck can I do? Besides...no one listens to me.
~-~
I've cheered up a bit so I'm in an alright mood right now.
I managed to keep a happy face for mummy. Nanna Chris bought me a gorgeous T-rex teddy that I've dubbed Rexy, as an early b-day pressie.
I'm still so unsure what to do.
Surely I would be an even worse person if I didn't at least try to make a differnce to the world.
I wish I could make it from the safety of my room but I know it won't be that easy.
The problem is that every time I make up my mind that I've got to try and help the world, all these doubts and fears rise to the surface.
They start screaming through my head and make me even more miserable.
But even if it isn't my purpose in life, surely it's my duty and responsibility as both a pagan and a human being.
Much as it upsets me, I am a part of the human race and that means I have a responsibility to practice what I preach, no matter how difficult or frustrating it may be.
Though I know this new-found determintation and conviction won't last long (it never does), I know that I've got to at least try.
If I don't, a hypocrite is the nicest thing I'd be!
"I don't know what I can do,
Still I know I've got to try
Eagle help my feet to fly
Mountain help my heart be great"
- Pocahontas.
If I can make it as a director and actress and writer, if I can get even a small amount of fame and fortune, I could show the rest of the world what can be done with it.
Uncle Spot told me once that money changes you no matter what your intentions may be.
What if I get corrupted by that power like so many others?
I can't let that happen. I won't.
But people listen to those with celebrity status and wealth.
But if I got to that point and started to show people that things have to change, would they just laugh at me?
Kick the ladder of fame out from under me?
So many things could go wrong. But then again, maybe I should think more like Mestraal from 'Angel' by Cliff McNish.
He told Freya that you can't just choose the easy road just cos another one might get painful.
I feel like someone up there is trying to tell me something that seems like it should be obvious but I'm still not getting it.
That I should grit my teeth and try and do all I can for the world?
Or is that pompous and arrogant of me to think that I could undertake such an important task?
Still, mum says it's not my job, that I can't help everyone.
Maybe that's exactly what I need to try and do. Maybe if people see a single person trying to help many, it'll spur them to help too.
But how can anyone ever look up to you?
You'll probably fall flat on your face as always.
You know, I think the voice in my head that tells me to quit and give up is just saying that cos it's a coward!
Maybe the girl cringing in the corner of my mind ain't me. Maybe it's actually the voice telling me to stop trying. Maybe she's just scared of failing.
It hurts so much to fail.
But that's what giving up is, isn't it? It's just another way of failing.
Every time I fall into my little black hole, it gets deeper and faster to fall.
It's like a knife geting closer to the center of my heart.
And each time it's harder to stop.
What am I supposed to do against a force more powerful than me? How am I supposed to battle my demons and the worlds?
I don't know, but if I don't try, I'm gonna die.
I know that as clearly as I know this pen has black ink!
It just seems like I think so much differently from everyone else.
So that was from my black book. I know, a little rambly huh? I do have a habit of babbling my way through my troubles lol.
So anyway, to reiterate. I have this new found sense of determination and conviction that if I'm staying in the world, I'm going to do every damn thing I can to help it.
I'm going to open a savings account and put money in there every pay day. Then, when I'm older and have saved up loads, I'm gonna build a great organisation to help every single person, creature and flora on this planet. To help the planet itself. I mean after all, the Earth is our ultimate mother.
It just seems polite that we give something back to her, that's all.
While I was typing out this post, I realised something. I figured out exactly why I started this blog. I remembered something my mum said. I wrote this book called World through the eyes of the weirdo kid. And I haven't been able to get it published, seems they only want to publish famous people's ideas. So anyway, I was read it to my mum and she said, why don't you start a blog? And I said, okay, I will. Maybe then people will start paying attention. (And in reference to a comment a few posts back, no not attention to me!) Attention to the dire straights this planet is in.
I mean, look around. We're treating this planet appaulingly. We just take take take, and we're giving almost nothing back. As my mother repeatedly tells me, there are some people trying to help, organistations like WWF, Born Free Foundation, RSPCC, Oxfam etc.
But my point is that it's a minority. People still don't care. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make people care!
I just don't know how. But we've got to do something. Theoretically this world should last way past the extinction of the human race. But thanks to our self-centred ways, when the human race does come to an end, we'll be taking the world with us.
Well...not if I can help it!!!
I want this blog to someday reach millions, to show people why they must act.
And as for my eating? Well, I have been eating. In fact I don't want to think about how much I ate at my sisters engagement party, which I managed to get to. I find that it's actually easier for me not to over eat when I'm not constantly worrying about what I eat. I hope that makes sense.
But I hope that my followers won't dismiss me just because I'm eating normally again. I don't think they will though. I was never Pro-ana in the first place. And no, I'm not going to go post on all your blogs that you should eat properly or that you're sick. Most of you know that you're not well, and I know it's not something you can just stop. I just hope that one day in the not too distant future you see that even if you have a bit of meat on your bones, you're still beautiful.
You know, this might sound cheesy, but Beauty is my favourite word in the whole wide world. You know why? Because no matter where you are, or who you're with, whether you hate someone or love someone. If you look hard enough, you can see beauty in everything.
And that seems a good place to leave it for today.
Hope anyone reading this has stuff to think about and if not, well, I'm not going to stop trying.
Stay strong everybody.
xXx
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Apology etc
Okay, I'd just like to say something to the 9 followers of this blog and anyone else who might occasionally glance at it.
I'd like to apologise for my ranting and raving and generally pessimistic attitude on here. I do have a tendancy to see the bad side.
I'm in a...shall we say 'placid' mood right now. I had another good night at work and here's something I completely forgot to say in my previous post.
Last night when I got home my mum showed me an email she'd recieved. It was for me. I read it through and my heart skipped a beat. It was from Antony Micallef. I don't know if anyone here has heard of him but he's like...my top favourite artist. My mum happens to work with his dad. So anyways, this email...it says he's flattered that I like his work so much and that he'd like to see some of MY paintings if I didn't mind and that if I wanted he'd get the gallery to send me his book!!!!
To say I'm stoked is like the biggest understatement.
So yeah, I'm in a good mood.
I know it can be a bit of a chore to read my posts when I'm bitching about the state of things, and I'm sorry for that, but like I've said before, I need to get it out of me because if I don't, I tend to explode and take it out on people around me, especially my mum and I can't stand hurting her. I would literally be dead without her and though that doesn't particularly scare me as sometimes I wish I was dead (and no that's not some sore attempt for attention or sympathy vote, I feel no shame or anything remotely wrong with admitting that sometimes I'd rather die than stay here), I love my mother very much. I have only two very extremely close friends that I could tell anything to and she's one of them. She sits in on my therapy sessions and everything, and I know I'd be completely lost without her.
She's an angel. My other angel is my best friend Hope, who is also who I want to date, I believe I've mentioned her before. I beleive in angels, don't know how the rest of you feel about them, but I beleive in them, and I truly believe Hope and my mum are angels. They must be to be able to put up with me. They guide me, they care for me.
So yeah, I keep getting sidetracked, I just wanted to apologise. I'm not gonna lie, there will probably be many more ranty pessimistic posts in the future, but I'd just like to say right now that I don't post them to upset anyone. Anything I write on here is just what's in my head at the time.
So yeah...just wanted to say that.
Hope all's going well for everyone.
xXx
I'd like to apologise for my ranting and raving and generally pessimistic attitude on here. I do have a tendancy to see the bad side.
I'm in a...shall we say 'placid' mood right now. I had another good night at work and here's something I completely forgot to say in my previous post.
Last night when I got home my mum showed me an email she'd recieved. It was for me. I read it through and my heart skipped a beat. It was from Antony Micallef. I don't know if anyone here has heard of him but he's like...my top favourite artist. My mum happens to work with his dad. So anyways, this email...it says he's flattered that I like his work so much and that he'd like to see some of MY paintings if I didn't mind and that if I wanted he'd get the gallery to send me his book!!!!
To say I'm stoked is like the biggest understatement.
So yeah, I'm in a good mood.
I know it can be a bit of a chore to read my posts when I'm bitching about the state of things, and I'm sorry for that, but like I've said before, I need to get it out of me because if I don't, I tend to explode and take it out on people around me, especially my mum and I can't stand hurting her. I would literally be dead without her and though that doesn't particularly scare me as sometimes I wish I was dead (and no that's not some sore attempt for attention or sympathy vote, I feel no shame or anything remotely wrong with admitting that sometimes I'd rather die than stay here), I love my mother very much. I have only two very extremely close friends that I could tell anything to and she's one of them. She sits in on my therapy sessions and everything, and I know I'd be completely lost without her.
She's an angel. My other angel is my best friend Hope, who is also who I want to date, I believe I've mentioned her before. I beleive in angels, don't know how the rest of you feel about them, but I beleive in them, and I truly believe Hope and my mum are angels. They must be to be able to put up with me. They guide me, they care for me.
So yeah, I keep getting sidetracked, I just wanted to apologise. I'm not gonna lie, there will probably be many more ranty pessimistic posts in the future, but I'd just like to say right now that I don't post them to upset anyone. Anything I write on here is just what's in my head at the time.
So yeah...just wanted to say that.
Hope all's going well for everyone.
xXx
first day
So, had my first day at work yesterday. It went well. I think I can manage it okay.
God, I've eaten like a horse today because I've been home. I don't have any lessons on a tuesday see, so I stayed home to catch up on some of my college work...and I watched a bit of tv, and I ate.
Dunno why I find it so difficult.
Loads of people manage it. Is it really so much to ask for to be thin? I guess for someone like me, it is.
So I'll just try harder. The only reason people don't achieve their goals is if they don't try hard enough. With the exception of flying. I don't think anyone, no matter how hard they try, can fly...unless they get on a plane.
So I'll try harder. I'll try so hard, even if it kills me. Let me get one thing straight. I don't wanna be annorexic. I don't want everyone to be all 'oh you're so thin'. I just want to be able to look in a mirror or try on clothes without crying.
And if not eating is how I get it done, fine.
It's not even the thinness as such. It's just...Either I turn myself into someone not me...or I waste away. Maybe if I wasn't ME...I could just make things better, and be better. What I wouldn't give to just forget certain things, to go back to being an innocent little kid, with no knowledge of fucking mind screw ups and how stupid and cruel and ignorant the human race can be.
And if I can't I'm going to find somewhere where I can be by myself, where there's no one to throw things at me, no one to stab me in the back, no war, no starving, nothing.
Failing all that, well...there are certain ways of escaping the things that haunt you.
My mum told me there are angels among us, helping us, guiding us.
Well there's the opposite to. Can't have one without the other. And I think I'm one. I'm the fucking demon child who's cursed to burn here until I pay for what I've done, what humanites done. I'm that single grain of rice that's tipping the scale, the little bit too much evil that's corrupting the entire energy of this planet.
So I either change, or leave.
Which I accomplish in the end, I haven't got a fucking clue.
Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
God, I've eaten like a horse today because I've been home. I don't have any lessons on a tuesday see, so I stayed home to catch up on some of my college work...and I watched a bit of tv, and I ate.
Dunno why I find it so difficult.
Loads of people manage it. Is it really so much to ask for to be thin? I guess for someone like me, it is.
So I'll just try harder. The only reason people don't achieve their goals is if they don't try hard enough. With the exception of flying. I don't think anyone, no matter how hard they try, can fly...unless they get on a plane.
So I'll try harder. I'll try so hard, even if it kills me. Let me get one thing straight. I don't wanna be annorexic. I don't want everyone to be all 'oh you're so thin'. I just want to be able to look in a mirror or try on clothes without crying.
And if not eating is how I get it done, fine.
It's not even the thinness as such. It's just...Either I turn myself into someone not me...or I waste away. Maybe if I wasn't ME...I could just make things better, and be better. What I wouldn't give to just forget certain things, to go back to being an innocent little kid, with no knowledge of fucking mind screw ups and how stupid and cruel and ignorant the human race can be.
And if I can't I'm going to find somewhere where I can be by myself, where there's no one to throw things at me, no one to stab me in the back, no war, no starving, nothing.
Failing all that, well...there are certain ways of escaping the things that haunt you.
My mum told me there are angels among us, helping us, guiding us.
Well there's the opposite to. Can't have one without the other. And I think I'm one. I'm the fucking demon child who's cursed to burn here until I pay for what I've done, what humanites done. I'm that single grain of rice that's tipping the scale, the little bit too much evil that's corrupting the entire energy of this planet.
So I either change, or leave.
Which I accomplish in the end, I haven't got a fucking clue.
Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Monday, 2 November 2009
I crave what?
This is a reply to anonymous.
I'm sorry darling, what did you say I crave? ATTENTION?
You couldn't be more wrong. Stop assuming you know me just because you read this stupid blog. And I wasn't freaking out. It was a passing comment.
My freaking out on this blog has absolutely nothing to do with whether people respond or not. I couldn't care less.
The reason I have this blog is for me, not anyone else.
I don't want attention, hence why I'm saying this stuff on a website. Because no one I know knows of this website, and no one reading this has any idea who I am. If I wanted attention, I would be yelling at my mum about what I rant about on here.
It's to get it out of my head so I don't explode that's all.
You don't know me, you don't know anything about me, and before you pass comment on me, maybe you should make sure you have your 'facts' straight.
You said you read my blog before. Well if you had actually READ my blog, you would have understood that me saying I feel so small or I have no readers etc is because I want to HELP people, not get more attention for myself!
And here's the reply to Casse Massacre - My religion is Pagan, I do believe I said that in a previous post. Paganism is a nature based religion in which we treasure mother earth as something more that just a thing that we can claim and slap a price on.
Now that answering back is done, I shall write about my day. This is for ME. If you don't wanna read it, don't. I don't give a shit. At the end of the day, if you're reading this, it's because you've clicked on it. So if you don't like what I say, that's your fucking problem. I couldn't care less if people read this or not because if I had my way I would go where there are NO fucking people!
So anyway. My day. Been thinking most of the day about food. I don't mind so much because I realised something. If I keep food squarely in my head, I'm less likely to eat it.
It's funny though, even though I'm doing it to lose weight, that seems to be growing less and less important. Now it's kind of a challenge. Not so much how much weight have I lost, but how long can I go without food.
My LAMDA lesson sucked because my teacher turned round and said that both plays I had chosen I shouldn't do. So now I have to find two different ones and I'm running out of time.
I haven't been sleeping lately so I'm really tired, which isn't good as I start my new job tonight.
And after work I go straight to band so hopefully I will at least get some sleep tonight.
Anyways I'm off to do...whatever I'm about to do.
Dunno when I'll post next. Depends how things go. We'll see.
I : We get it, off you go.
ME : I know, I'm just making sure I've said everything I wanted to say.
MYSELF : I think you've pretty much exhausted the conversation.
ME : Wouldn't want anyone thinking I hadn't made an effort to appear conveniently attention - craving.
I : One wonders...if you wanted attention so much, and as 'Anonymous' said your attempts for attention have failed, why you still keep this blog? Surely if you wanted attention that much you would go off somewhere else to seek it since it's obviously failing here.
ME : Well, there you go. Because it's not for attention. I have an attention seeking sister, I know what someone who wants attention is like. You wanna talk attention, go see my sister and leave me alone to rant in my free time on a free website with the supposed freedom of speech that I'm supposed to enjoy. If anonymous is reading this, I hope they GET IT now, and if they wish to further post on my blog, they should at least have the decency to make sure they KNOW me and KNOW what they're talking about.
MYSELF : I'm sure they do, no one is so dim-witted not to notice your big 'fuck you' underline you've got going in this conversation. Try not to be so bitchy in future. Now you're TRULY killed any possibility of extending this conversation and you should go get ready for work. Just remember what your mum always says, if someone's being an arsehole to you, just ignore them.
ME : Okay. I'm gonna go now.
I'm sorry darling, what did you say I crave? ATTENTION?
You couldn't be more wrong. Stop assuming you know me just because you read this stupid blog. And I wasn't freaking out. It was a passing comment.
My freaking out on this blog has absolutely nothing to do with whether people respond or not. I couldn't care less.
The reason I have this blog is for me, not anyone else.
I don't want attention, hence why I'm saying this stuff on a website. Because no one I know knows of this website, and no one reading this has any idea who I am. If I wanted attention, I would be yelling at my mum about what I rant about on here.
It's to get it out of my head so I don't explode that's all.
You don't know me, you don't know anything about me, and before you pass comment on me, maybe you should make sure you have your 'facts' straight.
You said you read my blog before. Well if you had actually READ my blog, you would have understood that me saying I feel so small or I have no readers etc is because I want to HELP people, not get more attention for myself!
And here's the reply to Casse Massacre - My religion is Pagan, I do believe I said that in a previous post. Paganism is a nature based religion in which we treasure mother earth as something more that just a thing that we can claim and slap a price on.
Now that answering back is done, I shall write about my day. This is for ME. If you don't wanna read it, don't. I don't give a shit. At the end of the day, if you're reading this, it's because you've clicked on it. So if you don't like what I say, that's your fucking problem. I couldn't care less if people read this or not because if I had my way I would go where there are NO fucking people!
So anyway. My day. Been thinking most of the day about food. I don't mind so much because I realised something. If I keep food squarely in my head, I'm less likely to eat it.
It's funny though, even though I'm doing it to lose weight, that seems to be growing less and less important. Now it's kind of a challenge. Not so much how much weight have I lost, but how long can I go without food.
My LAMDA lesson sucked because my teacher turned round and said that both plays I had chosen I shouldn't do. So now I have to find two different ones and I'm running out of time.
I haven't been sleeping lately so I'm really tired, which isn't good as I start my new job tonight.
And after work I go straight to band so hopefully I will at least get some sleep tonight.
Anyways I'm off to do...whatever I'm about to do.
Dunno when I'll post next. Depends how things go. We'll see.
I : We get it, off you go.
ME : I know, I'm just making sure I've said everything I wanted to say.
MYSELF : I think you've pretty much exhausted the conversation.
ME : Wouldn't want anyone thinking I hadn't made an effort to appear conveniently attention - craving.
I : One wonders...if you wanted attention so much, and as 'Anonymous' said your attempts for attention have failed, why you still keep this blog? Surely if you wanted attention that much you would go off somewhere else to seek it since it's obviously failing here.
ME : Well, there you go. Because it's not for attention. I have an attention seeking sister, I know what someone who wants attention is like. You wanna talk attention, go see my sister and leave me alone to rant in my free time on a free website with the supposed freedom of speech that I'm supposed to enjoy. If anonymous is reading this, I hope they GET IT now, and if they wish to further post on my blog, they should at least have the decency to make sure they KNOW me and KNOW what they're talking about.
MYSELF : I'm sure they do, no one is so dim-witted not to notice your big 'fuck you' underline you've got going in this conversation. Try not to be so bitchy in future. Now you're TRULY killed any possibility of extending this conversation and you should go get ready for work. Just remember what your mum always says, if someone's being an arsehole to you, just ignore them.
ME : Okay. I'm gonna go now.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
oh dear
I don't seem to be doing too well on the whole getting along with people thing.
It's not that I don't want to, you understand, it's just, I have a habbit of speaking my mind. I'm very oppinionated, not to the point where I don't listen to other people's views cos I'm fine with people having their own views and standing up for what they believe in and all that, it's just that...well, like I said, I speak my mind.
The problem that people don't seem to understand is that I'm not trying to be bitchy or contradict them or anything I'm just trying to help.
I wish I knew a better way to do it.
It's a big part of my religion, my morals and...me, to try to help people if I can. But every time I try to help I always make things worse.
Maybe I really am just an evil bitch.
Surely if I was a good person, I'd know how to make things better.
But I don't, I'm just fumbling around fucking everything up.
I had a theory that if I was happy with myself, I might be able to help more. So that's another reason to lose weight, if I didn't have enough reasons already.
If I was thinner, and had more confidence, I might be better equipped emotionally and spiritually and physically to help more.
But who am I kidding. No one listens to me. Why should they? I'm a complete fucking retard.
I'm so lost. I wonder if I'll ever find my path.
I feel so small and worthless.
What do I do?
Everbody thought she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her.
xx
It's not that I don't want to, you understand, it's just, I have a habbit of speaking my mind. I'm very oppinionated, not to the point where I don't listen to other people's views cos I'm fine with people having their own views and standing up for what they believe in and all that, it's just that...well, like I said, I speak my mind.
The problem that people don't seem to understand is that I'm not trying to be bitchy or contradict them or anything I'm just trying to help.
I wish I knew a better way to do it.
It's a big part of my religion, my morals and...me, to try to help people if I can. But every time I try to help I always make things worse.
Maybe I really am just an evil bitch.
Surely if I was a good person, I'd know how to make things better.
But I don't, I'm just fumbling around fucking everything up.
I had a theory that if I was happy with myself, I might be able to help more. So that's another reason to lose weight, if I didn't have enough reasons already.
If I was thinner, and had more confidence, I might be better equipped emotionally and spiritually and physically to help more.
But who am I kidding. No one listens to me. Why should they? I'm a complete fucking retard.
I'm so lost. I wonder if I'll ever find my path.
I feel so small and worthless.
What do I do?
Everbody thought she was a winner
No one knew the secret kept within her.
xx
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Isn't it amazing...
... How many people are so wrapped up in their own lives that just missing one thing that they love makes them hate life.
I'm probably going to make alot of enemies through this post, if anyone actually bothers reading it. But I need to get this frustration out of me before I explode. If you do read it, at least read it all the way through before slagging me off.
It is not aimed at anyone specific, and I don't deliberately want to piss anyone off, think what you will of me, but I'm not like that.
I understand that it's very easy to get sucked into something going on in your life, and that that is all you can think about, it's on your mind all the time, eating away at you.
But for once I wish people would think about someone other than themselves!
So you missed that party. Now you hate life? Life is so ufair to you.
You really thought it would be easy?
I can't go to my sisters ENGAGEMENT party because I have to work.
But you know what? I'm not mad. I don't hate my life. Life is not a bitch.
I doubt anyone will understand my intentions of writing this post. You'll think that I'm just ripping the shit out of you who get upset over these things.
I'm not. I've been in the same position. And different circumstances, several times I've thought that life must hate me.
But I was wrong.
Life doesn't hate anyone. Life is an amazing thing and there are people out there who don't have even one of the benifits we do.
At least you HAVE parties. You HAVE education. You HAVE a house. You fucking have the internet for christs sake.
You're not starving unless it's deliberate. At least you have the choice to eat. I'm not saying this to piss off all you pro-ana girls because I'm also choosing not to eat and that is MY choice alone.
But it is making me so angry that you don't see how much you truly have to be thankful for.
Now I've seen enough to know that when you have a disorder, be it an eating disorder or not, it's very hard to care about anything but your imediate issues. Beleive me, I know that.
But don't blind yourself to what the world still has to offer.
There are wonderful things. Beautiful things in the world. Yes, there are horrible, disgusting things too.
But what do you thinks going to happen to us as a race if people don't wake up and stop being so self centred and ignorant?! And no, I wasn't calling pro-ana's self-centered and ignorant, I meant the people behind these horrible and disgusting things, like war and murder and rape and the fact that every 17 seconds a child dies due to lack of clean water.
At least we HAVE clean water. Did any of you ever stop to consider that???
Did you ever stop to consider the face that you HAVE parents??? You might hate them, but you have them.
(And if there's anyone on here who has sadly lost their parents, I apologise.)
Did you ever stop to consider that you HAVE homes, you HAVE clothes on your back, in fact you have quite a few clothes???
Do you ever stop to consider anything other than how apparently shit things are for you?!
And now people are going to do the whole, what would you know, you're just a fat privelaged kid.
I'm not. I mean, yes I'm fat, but I'm not just some privelaged kid and despite how this post must sound, I don't think I'm high and mighty. Not in the least.
There's been some tough moments in my life. Everyone has their own issues. I have mine.
But it could be so much worse.
People say there's always a reason behind people being the way they are. That there's a reason for their 'issues'.
One of the biggest things that gets in my head and tries to tear me apart is the way the world is, and that my friends is the absolute truth. I'm not just saying that. I see what's going on out there and my blood starts to boil. My chest gets all tight, my heart pounds, my head spins and I just feel so angry and upset.
Every. single. day.
Sure there are things closer to home, IN my home, in me, that chew at me too. Memories of an unfortunate childhood. I'll tell you something, it is not the nicest experience to come downstairs with your sister screaming and covered in blood because she's slit her wrists. It's not nice to have her threaten you with a knife just so she can try and kill herself again.
It's not nice to watch your mother crying because the accounts have screwed up and she's being threatened with eviction, no money, no food.
It's not nice to have a screaming match with your parents because you've gotten bullied so much you're point blank refusing to go to school. They call you freak, they call you a tramp. Say you're worthless, a fat cunt. They spit on you and kick you and throw things at you.
All my life I've been an outcast. I've never fit it with anyone. Even the group I hang out with at college are aqcuaintences. I have about...three people I consider my friends. And one of them is my own mother.
Yes, I've self harmed. Yes, I've tried to kill myself a couple of times. Yes, I've bitched about everything and everyone and hated life completely.
Sometimes I still do. Sometimes it gets to the point where I just wanna scream at everyone because I cannot understand how people can be so fucking cruel!
I'm so mad right now my stomach's twisting into knots!
How can people be so fucking stupid? Does no one see that we have to stop all this ignorant fucking bitching and actually HELP EACH OTHER!
That is the only way our so called civilisation is going to survive.
And I do mean so called. I don't think we're civilised at all. Not in the sense that the word civilised it used today. I think we're still a very fucking barbaric race.
Evolution is spiritual and humans have less spirit then a dead fucking twig!
I hate having no fucking way of actually doing something about this shit!
End of rant. You can go ahead and slag me off now if it makes you feel better.
I'm probably going to make alot of enemies through this post, if anyone actually bothers reading it. But I need to get this frustration out of me before I explode. If you do read it, at least read it all the way through before slagging me off.
It is not aimed at anyone specific, and I don't deliberately want to piss anyone off, think what you will of me, but I'm not like that.
I understand that it's very easy to get sucked into something going on in your life, and that that is all you can think about, it's on your mind all the time, eating away at you.
But for once I wish people would think about someone other than themselves!
So you missed that party. Now you hate life? Life is so ufair to you.
You really thought it would be easy?
I can't go to my sisters ENGAGEMENT party because I have to work.
But you know what? I'm not mad. I don't hate my life. Life is not a bitch.
I doubt anyone will understand my intentions of writing this post. You'll think that I'm just ripping the shit out of you who get upset over these things.
I'm not. I've been in the same position. And different circumstances, several times I've thought that life must hate me.
But I was wrong.
Life doesn't hate anyone. Life is an amazing thing and there are people out there who don't have even one of the benifits we do.
At least you HAVE parties. You HAVE education. You HAVE a house. You fucking have the internet for christs sake.
You're not starving unless it's deliberate. At least you have the choice to eat. I'm not saying this to piss off all you pro-ana girls because I'm also choosing not to eat and that is MY choice alone.
But it is making me so angry that you don't see how much you truly have to be thankful for.
Now I've seen enough to know that when you have a disorder, be it an eating disorder or not, it's very hard to care about anything but your imediate issues. Beleive me, I know that.
But don't blind yourself to what the world still has to offer.
There are wonderful things. Beautiful things in the world. Yes, there are horrible, disgusting things too.
But what do you thinks going to happen to us as a race if people don't wake up and stop being so self centred and ignorant?! And no, I wasn't calling pro-ana's self-centered and ignorant, I meant the people behind these horrible and disgusting things, like war and murder and rape and the fact that every 17 seconds a child dies due to lack of clean water.
At least we HAVE clean water. Did any of you ever stop to consider that???
Did you ever stop to consider the face that you HAVE parents??? You might hate them, but you have them.
(And if there's anyone on here who has sadly lost their parents, I apologise.)
Did you ever stop to consider that you HAVE homes, you HAVE clothes on your back, in fact you have quite a few clothes???
Do you ever stop to consider anything other than how apparently shit things are for you?!
And now people are going to do the whole, what would you know, you're just a fat privelaged kid.
I'm not. I mean, yes I'm fat, but I'm not just some privelaged kid and despite how this post must sound, I don't think I'm high and mighty. Not in the least.
There's been some tough moments in my life. Everyone has their own issues. I have mine.
But it could be so much worse.
People say there's always a reason behind people being the way they are. That there's a reason for their 'issues'.
One of the biggest things that gets in my head and tries to tear me apart is the way the world is, and that my friends is the absolute truth. I'm not just saying that. I see what's going on out there and my blood starts to boil. My chest gets all tight, my heart pounds, my head spins and I just feel so angry and upset.
Every. single. day.
Sure there are things closer to home, IN my home, in me, that chew at me too. Memories of an unfortunate childhood. I'll tell you something, it is not the nicest experience to come downstairs with your sister screaming and covered in blood because she's slit her wrists. It's not nice to have her threaten you with a knife just so she can try and kill herself again.
It's not nice to watch your mother crying because the accounts have screwed up and she's being threatened with eviction, no money, no food.
It's not nice to have a screaming match with your parents because you've gotten bullied so much you're point blank refusing to go to school. They call you freak, they call you a tramp. Say you're worthless, a fat cunt. They spit on you and kick you and throw things at you.
All my life I've been an outcast. I've never fit it with anyone. Even the group I hang out with at college are aqcuaintences. I have about...three people I consider my friends. And one of them is my own mother.
Yes, I've self harmed. Yes, I've tried to kill myself a couple of times. Yes, I've bitched about everything and everyone and hated life completely.
Sometimes I still do. Sometimes it gets to the point where I just wanna scream at everyone because I cannot understand how people can be so fucking cruel!
I'm so mad right now my stomach's twisting into knots!
How can people be so fucking stupid? Does no one see that we have to stop all this ignorant fucking bitching and actually HELP EACH OTHER!
That is the only way our so called civilisation is going to survive.
And I do mean so called. I don't think we're civilised at all. Not in the sense that the word civilised it used today. I think we're still a very fucking barbaric race.
Evolution is spiritual and humans have less spirit then a dead fucking twig!
I hate having no fucking way of actually doing something about this shit!
End of rant. You can go ahead and slag me off now if it makes you feel better.
Monday, 26 October 2009
no readers
I have no readers. I don't know why I have this blog. I've never been particalularly attractive in a social way. No matter what blog I go on, no one seems to want to read what I have to say.
And I'll tell you what, for someone who wants to help make the world a better place, that truly sucks.
Is it because everyone elsese problems are way worse than mine? You all have people telling you to eat and people round here don't really notice if I eat or not.
Is it cos when you cut yourself you cut deeper than I do?
Or is it because no matter where I go or who I talk to, I will always be the disgusting, deformed outcast. The socially inept reject. The hideous hunchback of notre damn without the happy ending.
Is it because you've all been fighting to be thin for months or years...and I come along and whine for a couple of weeks about being fat but I've never pulled off anything remotely impressive in the world of ana.
Is it cos, since I'm not technically pro-ana, then my yearnings of being thin can't possibly be as bad as yours.
Or is it because my whining isn't a scratch as interesting as everyone elses.
This isn't really aimed at anyone specific and I'm not deliberately trying to piss people off, though I have a knack for doing it anyway.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and the only way I can stop myself from eating is by writing because I'm so pathetically weak - willed.
That's the end of my rant if anyone cares.
I'm getting coffee.
xx
And I'll tell you what, for someone who wants to help make the world a better place, that truly sucks.
Is it because everyone elsese problems are way worse than mine? You all have people telling you to eat and people round here don't really notice if I eat or not.
Is it cos when you cut yourself you cut deeper than I do?
Or is it because no matter where I go or who I talk to, I will always be the disgusting, deformed outcast. The socially inept reject. The hideous hunchback of notre damn without the happy ending.
Is it because you've all been fighting to be thin for months or years...and I come along and whine for a couple of weeks about being fat but I've never pulled off anything remotely impressive in the world of ana.
Is it cos, since I'm not technically pro-ana, then my yearnings of being thin can't possibly be as bad as yours.
Or is it because my whining isn't a scratch as interesting as everyone elses.
This isn't really aimed at anyone specific and I'm not deliberately trying to piss people off, though I have a knack for doing it anyway.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and the only way I can stop myself from eating is by writing because I'm so pathetically weak - willed.
That's the end of my rant if anyone cares.
I'm getting coffee.
xx
Sunday, 25 October 2009
oh what a world what a world
There's a girl dancing in her underwear on my tv and I can see her ribs. It has to be considered beautiful, or she wouldn't have been hired to do it, so now I know they're lying when they say I'm fine the way I am.
And no, I'm not watching porn, I'm watching xXx. I like Vin Diesel, I'm writing a film at the moment where the main character is for him to play.
I have to lose the weight. I want nothing more than to act and make films. Films are my life. They always have been.
I have never known what I wanted to do with myself, because I didn't think there was anything worth doing that I could do.
People say oh I've always wanted to be a so and so. Not me. I'm almost 18 and I've only just figured out what I want to do. It's not because film hasn't been a huge part of my life since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, because it has.
It's just, there's so many things I can be now so I couldn't make up my mind. I mean, I've always wanted to act and be in films and make films because I love it, but there's also other things I love.
What I love most about the chance to act, is that you can pretend to be any other career so you never really have to make your mind up.
But the main point I'm trying to make here, is that now I've decided that I want to act, I really have to get my weight under control. No one's gonna want me to play any main roles if I literally roll!
I start work the week next week, Not this half term week, the next one.
I can feel my ribs and my collarbones but only if I push hard. I wanna be able to see them like you could see them on the stripper in xanders room in triple x when he stays with anarchy 99 boss Yogi.
People want that in a woman. Not necessarily stick thin, but slender, fragile looking but still able to kick arse, that's the kind of woman people want in lead roles now, and that's the kind of woman I have to turn myself into.
It's just so hard.
xXx
And no, I'm not watching porn, I'm watching xXx. I like Vin Diesel, I'm writing a film at the moment where the main character is for him to play.
I have to lose the weight. I want nothing more than to act and make films. Films are my life. They always have been.
I have never known what I wanted to do with myself, because I didn't think there was anything worth doing that I could do.
People say oh I've always wanted to be a so and so. Not me. I'm almost 18 and I've only just figured out what I want to do. It's not because film hasn't been a huge part of my life since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, because it has.
It's just, there's so many things I can be now so I couldn't make up my mind. I mean, I've always wanted to act and be in films and make films because I love it, but there's also other things I love.
What I love most about the chance to act, is that you can pretend to be any other career so you never really have to make your mind up.
But the main point I'm trying to make here, is that now I've decided that I want to act, I really have to get my weight under control. No one's gonna want me to play any main roles if I literally roll!
I start work the week next week, Not this half term week, the next one.
I can feel my ribs and my collarbones but only if I push hard. I wanna be able to see them like you could see them on the stripper in xanders room in triple x when he stays with anarchy 99 boss Yogi.
People want that in a woman. Not necessarily stick thin, but slender, fragile looking but still able to kick arse, that's the kind of woman people want in lead roles now, and that's the kind of woman I have to turn myself into.
It's just so hard.
xXx
Saturday, 24 October 2009
hunger
Hunger calls to me night and day
A hunger that isn't hunger
It tells me to eat and it'll be okay
Just like when I was younger
It whispers in my ear
and tells me that I'm weak
and says 'but it's okay, my dear'
puts a hand against my cheek
It tells me 'Just eat this here'
and I'll go back to being sweet
And just like years before
I can eat what I want to eat
Hunger is like a roaming beast
ready to devour
it gets harder and harder to resist
with every passing hour
It's like a darkness trying to swallow me
Just like it tells me to swallow the rice
and even though I know it's wrong
It sounds like it's just trying to be nice
I look in the mirror and shake in disgust
What's this thing that I've turned into?
When did my skin stretch so far?
What the hell am I to do?
So now I feel a wave of guilt
every time I break and eat
and I wish that I could change myself
with one single strong drum beat
the only thing that stops the madness
makes people stop and stare
the scars across my ragged skin
turn cold in winter air
and yet there's light in the darkest pit
a girl that holds me tight
a blanket of her love round me
keeps me going through the night
.................................................................
Anyho...random poem for you there.
xXx
A hunger that isn't hunger
It tells me to eat and it'll be okay
Just like when I was younger
It whispers in my ear
and tells me that I'm weak
and says 'but it's okay, my dear'
puts a hand against my cheek
It tells me 'Just eat this here'
and I'll go back to being sweet
And just like years before
I can eat what I want to eat
Hunger is like a roaming beast
ready to devour
it gets harder and harder to resist
with every passing hour
It's like a darkness trying to swallow me
Just like it tells me to swallow the rice
and even though I know it's wrong
It sounds like it's just trying to be nice
I look in the mirror and shake in disgust
What's this thing that I've turned into?
When did my skin stretch so far?
What the hell am I to do?
So now I feel a wave of guilt
every time I break and eat
and I wish that I could change myself
with one single strong drum beat
the only thing that stops the madness
makes people stop and stare
the scars across my ragged skin
turn cold in winter air
and yet there's light in the darkest pit
a girl that holds me tight
a blanket of her love round me
keeps me going through the night
.................................................................
Anyho...random poem for you there.
xXx
Thoughts from a deranged dreamer #3
... Or at least I think it's #3. I really can't recall.
So...I've lost no weight. At all. I'm a big fat failure. And it's half term so I've got an even bigger epic fail! You all must know how hard it is when you're stuck in the bloody house!
And I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm trying to commit to my religion, but it's hard when all day I have shit going on inside my head that makes the worst horror movie look like the care bears cousin!
When I'm in a good mood, I believe that there must be some reason for me to be here. Let's put this in perspective for you. I've overdosed twice. Both times with my mums Tremadol. Tremadol is a step down from morphine. 500mg is enough to put a person into a coma and then death.
That's in 10 capsules. I took 30 each time, so by the laws of nature, I should be dead.
Both times, my mum got this feeling that she can't explain. The first time she had stopped checking her tablets, but for some reason she felt the need to. She noticed some were missing so she searched for them and that led to her discovering that I took them.
The second time, she saw the docs bag on her table and usually she leaves them until it's time for her to take them upstairs, but that one time she felt the need to check.
Both times something made her check, and both times I came out clear of any complications.
In my faith, that would suggest that the Lord and Lady, for some reason, are watching out for me and want me around.
The only problem is...I can't figure out WHY?
Oh...I don't know if I actually explained this, but for those who don't know, my faith is...well I'm a Pagan Hedgewitch.
That's a nature religion...you know, magic, trees, 'perfect love and perfect trust', do as you will but harm none.
I've been one since I can remember. My mum's one too, I learned from her and from books. Now don't get me wrong, I love my religion, I believe in it and it's a major part of my life...
But you know, even pagan's have 'crisis of faith' moments.
I can't understand why the world is the way it is. I have this theory, well actually not to sound bigheaded but I have loads of theories...but anyway, I have this theory that the human race are the way it is because we are the care takers of the planet.
Or at least...we're supposed to be.
Think about it, there has been no race like ours, that we know of.
There must be a reason for us to be this way, and I believe that unlike alot of humans seem to think, it's not because we're superior. We're not better than any other species. In fact, we're worse than most.
I believe it's so that we can maintain the planet, look after mother earth the way she looked after everything for millions of years.
Whether people look at her this way or not, the earth IS our mother. She gave us our lives. And how are we repaying her? We're killing her! We're killing her gifts, we're destroying her rivers and her forests, we're slaughtering her children, be it animal or man.
The human race is the biggest Epic Fail in the history of failure!
You know how in the early 1900's there was the great depression. Well, we ARE the great depression. We are mother earth's great depression and we're destroying everything.
The problem with man is that he's greedy, he's arrogant and he's selfish. That's only three words...I can think of a list that would take fucking ages to type!
Man thinks he's superior, he thinks he's better, he's stuffed up with his own importance.
He throws a tantrum if he cannot have his way.
He thinks he owns this planet and everything on it.
When will people learn that they cannot take their wealth and possessions with them when they die? When will they learn that we are children on this world and that at the moment we are being very, very disobedient?
The planet is screaming at us and we're not listening. I sometimes think that we've spent so long not listening, that it's now impossible for us to hear.
It's sighing on the wind, it's crying in the rain, it's roaring with the bears and it's dying with the forests...the forests that we're cutting down and destroying for shit we don't need!
Take a page from the native american indians books!!!
Every spirit throughout the planet is connected. We're destroying the planet, our self-destruction is chained to that. Kill the planet and we kill ourselves.
How can humanity be so fucking blind?!
If you spend long enough focusing on it, you will feel the energy that connects every single living thing.
This is sometimes referred to as 'Gaia' - The spirit of the earth.
But there's so much polution, so much industry, so much hate and plastic and death...that the spirit is dying...everything on this planet dying with it!
Just...think about it.
xXx
So...I've lost no weight. At all. I'm a big fat failure. And it's half term so I've got an even bigger epic fail! You all must know how hard it is when you're stuck in the bloody house!
And I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm trying to commit to my religion, but it's hard when all day I have shit going on inside my head that makes the worst horror movie look like the care bears cousin!
When I'm in a good mood, I believe that there must be some reason for me to be here. Let's put this in perspective for you. I've overdosed twice. Both times with my mums Tremadol. Tremadol is a step down from morphine. 500mg is enough to put a person into a coma and then death.
That's in 10 capsules. I took 30 each time, so by the laws of nature, I should be dead.
Both times, my mum got this feeling that she can't explain. The first time she had stopped checking her tablets, but for some reason she felt the need to. She noticed some were missing so she searched for them and that led to her discovering that I took them.
The second time, she saw the docs bag on her table and usually she leaves them until it's time for her to take them upstairs, but that one time she felt the need to check.
Both times something made her check, and both times I came out clear of any complications.
In my faith, that would suggest that the Lord and Lady, for some reason, are watching out for me and want me around.
The only problem is...I can't figure out WHY?
Oh...I don't know if I actually explained this, but for those who don't know, my faith is...well I'm a Pagan Hedgewitch.
That's a nature religion...you know, magic, trees, 'perfect love and perfect trust', do as you will but harm none.
I've been one since I can remember. My mum's one too, I learned from her and from books. Now don't get me wrong, I love my religion, I believe in it and it's a major part of my life...
But you know, even pagan's have 'crisis of faith' moments.
I can't understand why the world is the way it is. I have this theory, well actually not to sound bigheaded but I have loads of theories...but anyway, I have this theory that the human race are the way it is because we are the care takers of the planet.
Or at least...we're supposed to be.
Think about it, there has been no race like ours, that we know of.
There must be a reason for us to be this way, and I believe that unlike alot of humans seem to think, it's not because we're superior. We're not better than any other species. In fact, we're worse than most.
I believe it's so that we can maintain the planet, look after mother earth the way she looked after everything for millions of years.
Whether people look at her this way or not, the earth IS our mother. She gave us our lives. And how are we repaying her? We're killing her! We're killing her gifts, we're destroying her rivers and her forests, we're slaughtering her children, be it animal or man.
The human race is the biggest Epic Fail in the history of failure!
You know how in the early 1900's there was the great depression. Well, we ARE the great depression. We are mother earth's great depression and we're destroying everything.
The problem with man is that he's greedy, he's arrogant and he's selfish. That's only three words...I can think of a list that would take fucking ages to type!
Man thinks he's superior, he thinks he's better, he's stuffed up with his own importance.
He throws a tantrum if he cannot have his way.
He thinks he owns this planet and everything on it.
When will people learn that they cannot take their wealth and possessions with them when they die? When will they learn that we are children on this world and that at the moment we are being very, very disobedient?
The planet is screaming at us and we're not listening. I sometimes think that we've spent so long not listening, that it's now impossible for us to hear.
It's sighing on the wind, it's crying in the rain, it's roaring with the bears and it's dying with the forests...the forests that we're cutting down and destroying for shit we don't need!
Take a page from the native american indians books!!!
Every spirit throughout the planet is connected. We're destroying the planet, our self-destruction is chained to that. Kill the planet and we kill ourselves.
How can humanity be so fucking blind?!
If you spend long enough focusing on it, you will feel the energy that connects every single living thing.
This is sometimes referred to as 'Gaia' - The spirit of the earth.
But there's so much polution, so much industry, so much hate and plastic and death...that the spirit is dying...everything on this planet dying with it!
Just...think about it.
xXx
Friday, 23 October 2009
The title-less ones
So today is friday, and it's not actually that freaky but I couldn't think of a decent title of the post...and now I just have so I'm going to change the title but can't be arsed to delete this sentence.
So...the dance show went spendidly, nothing fucked up so that's good.
My mum gave me this whole big pep talk before I went to get my costume on, not about the dance, we'd already talked about that. No, this was about the world in general. I said something about how the world was full of arseholes and how bad outweighed the good and how if there were so many good people then why was so many bad things happening...and she said the only reason the world seems so bad is that's just how I look at it.
No, dear mother. You're wrong.
You say that because you have had it drilled into your head to accept the world how it is.
"Turn a blind eye, Evita, turn a blind eye."
People just accept it. I hate that. There's a war in afghanistan. Accept it. Some girl was murdered the other day. Accept it. There are arseholes killing animals for no reason except the sick pleasure they get out of it. Accept it.
Accept it, accept it, ACCEPT IT!
No. I can't, I won't!
It's not changing because people are just accepting it. Sure, there are certain things that I will accept. I accept that there are always going to be arseholes in the world. I accept that people have different opinions and music tastes and dress styles to me. I accept that people are bigger or smaller than me. And I don't resent any of them for these things.
I can accept them and I think that people should be more accepting of things like this.
But the more serious things, like crime and animal slaughter and war and sick bastards lavishing in riches while others starve.
Those are things that I will NEVER accept. But no one gives a shit enough to change it. And even the few people who do care...they're a minority. Because everyone else, though not necessarily bad people, just accept it.
Why do I seem to be the only one feeling terribly, horribly guilty about this.
No one else seems to have a wave of guilt when they have a plateful of food (not that I've been eating so many platefuls of food lately), knowing that somewhere there are hundreds of people starving, or when they buy a new coat knowing that there are people out there without clothes freezing their arses off.
And what do people tell me? Accept it!
Bollocks to it. If you can all have some bubble of mediocre contentment fine. But I don't. And I don't want one. It's not right.
See that alone is a reason for not eating. Not just to be thin but in response to the desire to let someone else who's never known a full meal have it instead.
The human race pisses me off so much. Humans think they've come so far in their evolution. Well they haven't. They're still fucking barbaric!
It's like sex. People are so fucking inconsiderate. I have a very strong aversion to anything to do with sex. I can't stand thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it, watching it in films, any of it. And yet the people around me, even my supposed friends who know full damn well I can't stand it, continue to force it into every little thing.
Sex jokes, this person is fucking this person, this film has a completely pointless sex scene in it, this celebrity released this sex tape.
If there was something I knew made someone uncomfortable I would deliberately avoid the subject out of common fucking courtesy. Like my mum, she doesn't like gory things, so if I'm explaining a film to her I'll leave out the gory stuff, of if she asks whether she'd like a film that I've watched and I know it has quite a lot of gore in it I'll say something like "You might like this part of it, but it does have quite a lot of blood and guts so I wouldn't advise watching it."
It like Hope. She knows I can't stand sex and stuff so when we were watching the beginning of Pulp Fiction and she said "I'll warn you and then you can look away of I'll cover your eyes." That is what's called 'consideration'.
People might wanna try it every now and again.
It's like, if I watch something that has psychological undertones, like it has self harm, or someone's a bit doolally, it's very triggering for me, and on of my supposed mates who I won't even get started on cos he's pissing me off so much lately, but he was playing things on youtube and he knows what I get with psychological stuff, and he played this song that has a small video right at the start of this guy who's deformed and he gets strapped to a chair in a mental hospital and forced to have medication and he starts screaming and getting really worked up and I was like, can you turn it off, and he was like, no the song hasn't even started. So I just went outside.
If someone asked me to turn something off, I would. Like I said, common fucking courtesy.
It's like manners. No one has any fucking manners anymore. The amount of people that have fucking walked into me and not apologised. It's not like I'm hard to miss!!!
And what gets me more is the times when you know they've seen you, they don't have any reason for not avoiding shoving into you, but they still fucking do it as if they're fucking royalty!
Bastards. It's not like manners fucking cost anything!!!
Anyway, I'm sorry for that rant. This post started as an update and turned into a full blown rant. Sorry for that.
I'll post later...or tomorrow or something.
Toodles.
xXx
So...the dance show went spendidly, nothing fucked up so that's good.
My mum gave me this whole big pep talk before I went to get my costume on, not about the dance, we'd already talked about that. No, this was about the world in general. I said something about how the world was full of arseholes and how bad outweighed the good and how if there were so many good people then why was so many bad things happening...and she said the only reason the world seems so bad is that's just how I look at it.
No, dear mother. You're wrong.
You say that because you have had it drilled into your head to accept the world how it is.
"Turn a blind eye, Evita, turn a blind eye."
People just accept it. I hate that. There's a war in afghanistan. Accept it. Some girl was murdered the other day. Accept it. There are arseholes killing animals for no reason except the sick pleasure they get out of it. Accept it.
Accept it, accept it, ACCEPT IT!
No. I can't, I won't!
It's not changing because people are just accepting it. Sure, there are certain things that I will accept. I accept that there are always going to be arseholes in the world. I accept that people have different opinions and music tastes and dress styles to me. I accept that people are bigger or smaller than me. And I don't resent any of them for these things.
I can accept them and I think that people should be more accepting of things like this.
But the more serious things, like crime and animal slaughter and war and sick bastards lavishing in riches while others starve.
Those are things that I will NEVER accept. But no one gives a shit enough to change it. And even the few people who do care...they're a minority. Because everyone else, though not necessarily bad people, just accept it.
Why do I seem to be the only one feeling terribly, horribly guilty about this.
No one else seems to have a wave of guilt when they have a plateful of food (not that I've been eating so many platefuls of food lately), knowing that somewhere there are hundreds of people starving, or when they buy a new coat knowing that there are people out there without clothes freezing their arses off.
And what do people tell me? Accept it!
Bollocks to it. If you can all have some bubble of mediocre contentment fine. But I don't. And I don't want one. It's not right.
See that alone is a reason for not eating. Not just to be thin but in response to the desire to let someone else who's never known a full meal have it instead.
The human race pisses me off so much. Humans think they've come so far in their evolution. Well they haven't. They're still fucking barbaric!
It's like sex. People are so fucking inconsiderate. I have a very strong aversion to anything to do with sex. I can't stand thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it, watching it in films, any of it. And yet the people around me, even my supposed friends who know full damn well I can't stand it, continue to force it into every little thing.
Sex jokes, this person is fucking this person, this film has a completely pointless sex scene in it, this celebrity released this sex tape.
If there was something I knew made someone uncomfortable I would deliberately avoid the subject out of common fucking courtesy. Like my mum, she doesn't like gory things, so if I'm explaining a film to her I'll leave out the gory stuff, of if she asks whether she'd like a film that I've watched and I know it has quite a lot of gore in it I'll say something like "You might like this part of it, but it does have quite a lot of blood and guts so I wouldn't advise watching it."
It like Hope. She knows I can't stand sex and stuff so when we were watching the beginning of Pulp Fiction and she said "I'll warn you and then you can look away of I'll cover your eyes." That is what's called 'consideration'.
People might wanna try it every now and again.
It's like, if I watch something that has psychological undertones, like it has self harm, or someone's a bit doolally, it's very triggering for me, and on of my supposed mates who I won't even get started on cos he's pissing me off so much lately, but he was playing things on youtube and he knows what I get with psychological stuff, and he played this song that has a small video right at the start of this guy who's deformed and he gets strapped to a chair in a mental hospital and forced to have medication and he starts screaming and getting really worked up and I was like, can you turn it off, and he was like, no the song hasn't even started. So I just went outside.
If someone asked me to turn something off, I would. Like I said, common fucking courtesy.
It's like manners. No one has any fucking manners anymore. The amount of people that have fucking walked into me and not apologised. It's not like I'm hard to miss!!!
And what gets me more is the times when you know they've seen you, they don't have any reason for not avoiding shoving into you, but they still fucking do it as if they're fucking royalty!
Bastards. It's not like manners fucking cost anything!!!
Anyway, I'm sorry for that rant. This post started as an update and turned into a full blown rant. Sorry for that.
I'll post later...or tomorrow or something.
Toodles.
xXx
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
In pain...
Had a tech rehearsal for the dance show tomorrow night this evening so I'm in pain. My shoulders hurt and I panicked which means I cried so I have a headache now.
Showtime tomorrow and I sooooooo do not wanna do it. Most of the other dancers are so thin wih their collar bones sticking out and their shoulder blades sticking out and I'm thinking, I wish I was that thin...but I suppose it's awesome thinspiration.
My mums coming to see it and she said even if I fall flat on my face she'll sill be proud of me. That's good, and she's sweet for it, but I just don't wanna fuck up.
Oh well, there you go, that's what you get when you do dance gcse.
Anyways, I'll post afterwards to tell you how it went.
In other news...haven't eaten so that's going good.
Blargh...
See you later.
xXx
Showtime tomorrow and I sooooooo do not wanna do it. Most of the other dancers are so thin wih their collar bones sticking out and their shoulder blades sticking out and I'm thinking, I wish I was that thin...but I suppose it's awesome thinspiration.
My mums coming to see it and she said even if I fall flat on my face she'll sill be proud of me. That's good, and she's sweet for it, but I just don't wanna fuck up.
Oh well, there you go, that's what you get when you do dance gcse.
Anyways, I'll post afterwards to tell you how it went.
In other news...haven't eaten so that's going good.
Blargh...
See you later.
xXx
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
fantastic new job????
Okay, you know that phrase nothing's supposed to be perfect?
Well, my perfect new job - I found out that the girl who used to bully the shit out of me at school for most of my life could very well be who I have to work with. Joy.
So my fantastic new job is not so fantastic. Still, it's a job, and I need the money, besides, it takes up a couple of hours in the evenings. That's a couple of hours that I WON'T be eating! More's the better.
Urgh. She better not start with me. I won't let her ruin this like she and so many others ruined my school life. It's just not fair. Can't I ever get away from the arseholes who seem to want to do everything in their power to screw me over!
God, I wish I could disappear. It'd be so much easier if I could just fade away. Waste away. I wanna waste away ... to beautiful nothingness.
xx
Well, my perfect new job - I found out that the girl who used to bully the shit out of me at school for most of my life could very well be who I have to work with. Joy.
So my fantastic new job is not so fantastic. Still, it's a job, and I need the money, besides, it takes up a couple of hours in the evenings. That's a couple of hours that I WON'T be eating! More's the better.
Urgh. She better not start with me. I won't let her ruin this like she and so many others ruined my school life. It's just not fair. Can't I ever get away from the arseholes who seem to want to do everything in their power to screw me over!
God, I wish I could disappear. It'd be so much easier if I could just fade away. Waste away. I wanna waste away ... to beautiful nothingness.
xx
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