The guilt monster

I can't say it's exactly what I feel because of what I wrote to Mother, but...It's not so much I feel guilty cos right now I don't feel anything but...I know that if I were my usual self, it's what I'd be feeling.

I don't even know why I did it. I mean, I was just writing to say I wanted to quit band because it wasn't my thing and then I just sort of...lost it completely.

It's not that I wanted to hurt her...I mean in a way I did. I was just so mad at her and I don't even know why. I'm mad at everyone and everything at the moment and she's the easiest person to take it out on I guess.

I'm so horrible to her.

Mother's been there all through everything...I said such terrible things to her. That she should have kept her legs shut or none of this would be happening...that she enjoyed being a victim as much of the rest of us.

I don't deserve a mother like her. I'm so cruel to her. It's not that I mean to be it's just that...I don't even know why I said those things.

But at the same time...there are plenty of things I have against her that just piss me off. Memories mostly...times that she's made me feel so fucking neglected and alone...like the rest of the family.

Maybe it's late payback.

I don't know. I have no fucking clue why I did that. But I did. And that's it. I can't go back and I don't even think I would.

It's hard to explain and I guess I could try saying that I'm not the one at fault here, that it was mother.

But I'd be lying.

There's no excuse for me. I'm just her bitch mistake. I was right though...she should kept her legs shut. Then I wouldn't be here and none of this bullshit would be happening.

And I was a mistake...I wasn't planned and I wasn't supposed to be a girl. Father always wanted a son.

Instead he got me. The pathetic waste of space that I am.

fuck it