smash goes the china

Before I explain the title's meaning, let me just say that I wrote it the way I did because I just thought of Ice Age 3, and I absolutely LOVE Buck, he's so wacky, and I just thought of the bit where Rudy stands on him and you're like oh no, and then he springs out from under Rudy's foot saying "POP Goes the weasel!" Lol.

Anyway, this post is called smas goes the china because that's what I just did. I don't know why.

I just picked up a plate, and I was holding it and I started thinking about things and then I just smashed it on the floor...harder than I actually meant to. I was just trying to break it, but I didn't just break it, I smashed it well and truly. Into little pieces.

I read mother's Diary entry for today. I know that's REALLY REALLY bad, but she doesn't tell me things so I had to make sure she was okay after the things I said to her yesterday, which she referred to in her diary as 'abusive'. Yeah, well and truly abusive.

You know what gets me the most? She wasn't mad at me. She said that it hurt her but she knew I had to get these things out and it worries her because she knows how many suicide attempts she miraculously survived and she wonders, what if I'm not so lucky?

I can't believe it. She's more worried about me killing myself than about all the horrible things I said to her.

God I'm such a fucking slag.

She's the only one apart from Hope who's not acting like my suicide attempts were just a phase that I'm growing out of. I was serious, I still am and I'll keep trying.

They say that if you want something enough and you try hard enough, eventually you'll get it.

So people may as well just stay out of my way.

Speaking of Hope, she's taking the whole self harm thing very calmly. She understands that I have to do it. She said she wished I could be happy without it, but that she understands.

I love her, she's so great to me.

Oh, and as far as eating goes, I'm a fucking pig, I've been binging quite a lot lately. I'm still not like eating enough to count as a full days worth of a 'normal' person's diet, but still eating too much.

I've just gotta find things to do instead of eating that's all. I think it'll be better when I leave work because that's what's fucking me up. I keep doing really well and then I go to work and the chef's made something that looks totally delicious so that I can't say no anymore. But I'm quitting in before the summer holidays anyway so...

I can't do a full time college course, come home and then go to work. I'm tired enough as it is and that's way too much social interaction for my liking.

I'm applying to EMA so that I still have a little bit of income. Mum's not too happy with the plan because she's trying to get her craft business up and running so she doesn't want me crawling to her for money.

EMA should be enough though, so long as I can afford cigarettes and the occasional dvd, it's all good. I'll just save as much of my wages now as I can so that should keep my going for quite a while.

So yeah.

Laters xXx