She's not the mesaih, She's a very naughty girl!

I know it's supposed to be he, I have actually seen it.

I customised it because I've been a very naughty girl. Not only did I do something last night that I'm not supposed to do anymore because I'm all better, but I stole some of my dad's Jack Daniel's. I know alcohol has calories but...

It's just til I get paid, then I can buy my own alcohol. It's not that I'm an alkie or anything, it's just that...well, it's about that rush you get from doing something you know you're not supposed to do. Same rush that made me steal when I was little. I don't steal anymore. I know that's stupid to say since I just stole my dads drink but...he isn't really drinking it.

Besides..if you want to self-destruct, alcohol has to be in there somewhere. Luckily for me, it takes A LOT of alcohol to make me even tipsy let alone drunk. I say that's a luckily because I don't want to drown my sorrows in booze, I want to enhance them. I want to enhance everything so that until I can finally cop it, I actually FEEL like there's something left inside me.

Like...I'm alive for a little while. When I feel pain or fear, it's actually something I feel, and it gets me high...which means I want it.

Yeah, I admit it, I'm a masochist, I like pain, okay, big fucking deal!

Maybe it's because it makes my heart beat so fast...it really pounds, you know? Maybe that's why last time I went to cop it, and I ended up throwing up, a part of me actually enjoyed it.

The part I didn't enjoy was that I happened to be throwing up in the middle of town and everyone kept staring at me. Like I could help it.

But...it made me feel better. I got a rush out of that. But...I haven't been able to make myself throw up since. I have a stupidly strong stomach!

I don't know if anyone else feels the way I do. I'm writing a film at the moment, called "The Masochists", and it's about this group calling themselves The Masochists and they meet up to hurt themselves. It was founded by Kane, who just wants to make sure that they can get their love of pain out in a safe environment. Cos he watches out for everyone.

I don't think I'll ever get that produced though so I might write it as a book instead. I know it sounds like a mind fuck and to be totally honest, it might well be...but it's making me feel a tonne better.

I'm just kind of rambling now, sorry.

That's my update for today.