Old habits die hard

So... I'm slowly sinking back to my old way of thinking.

Today, while I was at work, I was sat down having a break and I caught sight of myself in the window. I felt physically sick. I always feel sick when I see myself. I've been eating weirdly since christmas, but I've been eating.

I think I should cut right back, just eat to keep breathing, at least until the opertune moment as Captain Jack Sparrow would say.

I need to start getting more exercise. Mum said we'd start doing badminton again some time soon. I love badminton.

So, does anyone remember me saying about my best friend Hope, who I am in love with, and how we were experimenting to see if she was bi and we could be girlfriends?
Well we discussed it last night, and she said she was definitely straight and that she loved me but as a friend.

Obviously I'm sad, but I'm not heartbroken. So long as she's in my life someway or another, then I'm happy.

Ok, I've updated on relationship, and I've updated on eating, what else is there to update on?

Um...I'm failing miserably at college. It's so fucking boring. I hate it.

I think that after Uni would be the opertune moment to kick off. I'm holding it in as best as I can right now, but I know I'm gonna snap again, and if I can just hold out until I'm done with the shite excuse for education, then I won't have to spend years learning what I should have been learning when I snapped, if that makes sense. It makes sense to me.

Of course, alot of what I say makes no sense to anyone else but perfect sense to me.

I've decided I'm just gonna give up on religion. I know there's something more up there somewhere, but whatever it is, it'll just have to accept the fact that I'm a fucked up psycho mistake.

I should never have been born at all, I'm an evil masochist.

The psychotic martyr who's end justifies the means, and the genius rotting inside shrivels each time I know I'm failing. I know it's arrogant but I don't give a shit anymore. I know I ain't smart enough to call myself a genius but everyone has the potential to be one, hence why mine's rotting.

THe most agonising thing about not being a genius, is that I know that if I was, I'd still be crazy and cos I'm not, I'm crazy, I know I'm not trying hard enough.

There's a fine line between genius and madness, according to Bill Bailey and it makes me wonder, which side of the line am I?

Apparently, crazy people see themselves as geniuses because they can't handle the fact that they're actually pathetic nobodies who are just generally unimportant.

I don't really know what else to write.

I guess I may very well be writing more posts. I've been off of writing on here for a while because stupidly I thought I was actually normal.

Now I realise that I'm just not meant for this world, I'll never be normal. I never was, am not, never will be.

Simple as.

And the time will come where I have to go. And I'm looking forward to it. It'll be the finest point in my life.

When people realise that I really meant what I said.