Regrets and shame

People say that you should regret things. Jim root, one of the guitarists from Slipknot, he said that regrets just lead to more mental problems and that you'll always make mistakes.

But how are you supposed to live with it?

I could die from shame right now if it was possible. All the things I could have done differently.

The biggest one happened a few years ago. Depression and mental instability runs in my family. My eldest sister was severely depressed and kept trying to kill herself so my mum locked all the medicine in a box and kept the key on her wallet. So my sister waited until my mum was in the bath and my dad was out with my second eldest sister, so there was only me and the third daughter in her way.

So she got a kitchen knife, the really big ones they use on cooking shows to slice onions really fast...anyway she got that and came in the living room and pointed it at us and told us to open the box.

My other sister, she was like no, wave the knife all you want, I ain't doin it.
But me, I was pathetic. I was terrified. Though I didn't cry, I did open the box. She grabbed a bottle of medicine and legged it out the house so us two legged it up to tell mum, who phoned the police.

I'm not even sure if my sister would have actually hurt us. She was pretty unstable at the time and she did some seriously stupid things.

Either way, I was a coward. She took the medicine and the police caught her and took her to hospital.

If she had died, it would have been on my head! I was so fucking pathetic. If I could do it over, I would tell her to screw herself. But at the time I hadn't reached the point where I don't particularly give a shit what happens to me. I didn't really feel like getting stabbed by my own sister. Like I said, I have no idea if she'd have actually done it but at the time I didn't know.

Stupid cow. What's a little stab wound for the life of your sister? As it happens she didn't die, but that's not the point. The point is that if she had died, it would be my fault.

I'm so ashamed of that.

How am I supposed to just forget it? I can't and I won't.

....

On the lighter side of life, I finally got an answer from Hope about our relationship. Might not have been the one I wanted, but it was a good one none the less.

She said she's definitely straight, but that our friendship was more importantto her anyway,and that we could still go on 'dates' and cuddle and stuff, but she wouldn't go further, which is fine cos neither would I, and the 'further' bit is the only thing that would really make us that kind of girlfriends.

I'm just happy to have her in my life, in whatever way. So long as she's happy, it's all good.

...

On the food side of things...gah! All the weight I lost the last time I got serious, I've put back on. So I am now once again 151 ish lbs. Which is disgusting I know. At least, it's disgusting in my case. You know, some people look good with a bit of meat to them, but they're all toned up and everything. Me, I'm just...grotesque.

I can't believe I actually convinced myself that I was fine how I am. I'm not, I'm hideous.

When I get paid next, I'm going to get some cigarettes, some alcohol (probably captain morgans), some diet coke and some diet pills.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to order 'Sharing the Secret' from Amazon and possibly the book 'Wasted' too.

If I can afford it...gotta get a new phone and I'm going out with Hope.

That's it for now.